This week, our recommendation column is written by Marty Royle, man about town and singer for Washington Social Club (and also the only person we know who will walk into a Malcolm X park fountain in a Cardin suit without a flinch).
And it is special:
Marty Royle's What Turns you On?
You know what I love about DC? It’s not the bookstores. It’s not vegan restaurants either. Give up? I’ll give you hint. You need singles and you’re surrounded by hot Europeans. No, not the Legg Mason.
What Marty Royle loves about DC is all these high-end strip-clubs!
When I lived in Albuquerque we used to go the shitty spot downtown.
The one stripper was named Susan, she was 40, relaxed, fun. I’d tip her a fiver on a $10 lap-dance. We were friends.
But DC? No no my friends, here you see Senators and policy wonks
(wonk. Say it. wonk.) watching women who seem like DC is a quick layover between Paris and LA.
These girls are classy.
And I am not.
I’m working class and I drink Yuengling.
These strippers are too good for me, and I know it.
So let me take you around to some of favorite joints in the city. Two
things. First, I’ll be drunk, second, I’ll be high and third, my
girlfriend’s down. Did I say two things? Time to go to the cash
machine!! (for best results, cue “Cash Machine” by Hard-Fi now)
Part I. Heaven: the lunch break
It’s 2pm in the afternoon and I’m a loose goose. I’ve got a long
word for you: Hydrocodone. Look it up and while you do I’ll swish into
Archibald’s on K Street.
Archibald’s is empty, dark, and lined with beautiful women, making it
appear suspiciously like heaven. My girl is with me, so it is actually
heaven. I’m told I look familiar by a platinum blonde who dances to
“Because of You” and I am humbled and happy. This place is perfect. It’s dark and relaxed and as I get through my third beer themind drifts in between and my eyes get used to the darkness and for one brief
moment I’ve escaped completely.
Bartender has a bowtie and the dancers argue about the Red Sox pitching
coach, who they say is shit. I’ve got no opinion on this one.I’m coming to realize that I have no opinion about anything.
Work? I could give a shit.
Politics? They can all fuck off.
Money? Sure, here’s some, take it baby. I don’t even know what this dirty paper is for.
Part II. Let’s go Dancing
Strippers love Nine Inch Nails. I’m from the gothic north so I can
relate.As “Closer” plays in Goodguy’s on Wisconsin and then again one
hour later and across the street at JP’s, the day crowd mixes with the night crowd mixes with the Japanese businessmen mixes with the nervous wives and overly eager husbands mixes with orange juice and vodka and dissolves pleasantly in between the graying matter between my ears. “Closer” mixes into a Pigface song. Pigface? Really? She is beautiful and she’s into Pigface.
My lady mentions that every time she’s done a strip club tour of DC the
sexiest girls are always at the small cramped bar in JP’s.I must
agree.
Part III. The Strangers of Kindness
People will argue that stripping is degrading. Bullshit. We’re all
whores. The only degrading thing about stripping is that you have to
clean your own mirror and pole after dancing. These women are goddesses;they should have small jockey-sized men in tuxedoes dashing out like a Nascar pit-crew in between every song. That’s how my place would/will be.
And Jim Graham can clean the damn poles.
But as we fall into Camelot my eyes take a second to adjust. Not to
the darkness, but to the pure 70’s era swank, well maintained, glittering and alive. The only thing missing from this place is a poker table and a young Joe Pesci. The girls at Camelot primp and pose, like diamonds in satin.
Like girls waiting to be brought home. I reach for my credit card. My
girl has wisely ducktaped it to her inner thigh. I love having my work cut out for me.
catch Marty next: next Wednesday at the Cat
Previously in I Heart DC:
- 5/24: DC NEWS YOU CAN (MAYBE) USE...
- 5/23: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 5/23: BYT Patio and Outdoor Dining Guide - Spring/Summer 2012
- 5/22: DC NEWS YOU CAN (MAYBE) USE...
- 5/21: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 5/21: PHOTOS: Artomatic 2012 Opening
- 5/18: DC NEWS YOU CAN (MAYBE) USE...
- 5/17: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 5/16: D.C. NEWS YOU CAN (MAYBE) USE...
- 5/16: Photos: Dance In The Circle @ Dupont Circle
God loves a cheerful giver.
fun fact: my mother's husband owns Goodguy's
but i don't think he wants me to know that
all the same, i hear the food is amazing and mad cheap
fucking Gingerkids....
Marty, will you take me along on your next tour?
Fuck that, Lily can YOU take me along on a tour?
You should get a family discount.
If this band thing doesn't work out, we're thinking of starting our own guided touring service.
First one will be the BYT Class Trip. Sign up sheet in the lunchroom.
there was this place called "the beehive" on north capital street back in high school where you could get the clap for half off.
i should, i'll look into it
maybe mom can get me on the inside
...wow, that sounds really bad
i want to get around to seeing the place myself
but the website is so lame, it needs a Cale makeover stat
What's the one on GA Ave? The House?
Wait? Your last name is Royle and you didn't hit the Royal Palace? Huh?
I suggested Royal Palace...but then I also said it was really seedy...I might have undersold it a bit. Next time...