Fight Night, DC's premiere charity event is tonight. We're rerunning our epic recap of it from last year, because it was epic and because we can.
all words: Jeff Jetton
all photos: Garai Rice and Sam Goldstein
Writing for a snarky blog and attending an event like Fight Night is probably similar to being in the press corps for the White House as a Mother Jones reporter during George W. Bush's eight years. You have to be careful not to take the easy shots and you need to err on the side of subtlety, lest you be relegated to the loony bin (albeit on the other end of the spectrum from the cuckoos you're writing about). For instance, it would be egregious of me to say that I'd rather be tied down, shirtless, to a park bench and have my nipples covered in sesame oil and bird seed with 700 hungry pigeons let loose to peck away than to be stuck at Fight Night for any longer than I was already there. I can't say these things, it doesn't help my case any.
I can't focus on the fact that the main attraction of a charity event to raise money to stop the abuse of women is a bunch of dudes beating the shit out of each other while people cheer them on. Since I realize that it's just PRETEND violence, it would be silly of me to bring it up in this format. Just silly.
I knew exactly the type of no-holds-barred Gala that this was going to be prior to stepping foot in the ballroom. No cheap shots were necessary. I knew from the beginning that Michael Saylor would be there, as would every other Gordon Gekko in his forties, fifties, sixties, etc., in the metro region who doesn't have a wife (or doesn't have a wife ANYMORE, or DOES have a wife and just doesn't give a fuck) and spends his weekend out on the town chasing tail at places like L2 (and whatever other horrible haunts dudes with millions upon millions of dollars and the makeup-addled women they attract hang out).
Shit, I already started down the warpath.
Okay, let's try this again. Fight Night is the one Thursday a year when all of the nice, rich, old dudes that you never hear about in the Washinton City Paper, yet you always hear about in Washington Life Magazine, descend upon D.C. like some sort of Pied Piper led them here. But these aren't rats, friends. And the only river that these cats are drowning in is one of ladies' perfume and cigar smoke. And that sweet, sweet piper music? It isn't Frankie Gammyfoot; it's Joan Jett and some sort of new, reverse-aging Blackhearts.
It's the one night a year where you'll find defense contractors of all color and creed in one place, cooling their heels together after a long day of robbing the American tax payer. We are sorry you missed it if you weren't there, but there's no fretting, you have a whole year to start saving up the 500 clams that it costs to get in (assuming they don't raise the price for tickets next year).
Seriously, though, I could go on and on about how Fight Night is just an excuse for old dudes in tuxedos to get laid while their wives are at some other event most likely bidding on laser lipo packages for themselves and 10 friends.
But we'll just get a bunch of hate mail from angry readers who a) are so young and good looking that the thought of laser lipo packages is disgusting and frivolous or b) are pissed off that they didn't know this event existed and want to find out how they can get in on the action next year. I imagine that after the economy turns around this year, kids will be scooping up Fight Night tickets faster than you can say 'Blue Horseshoe loves Anacott Steel'.
Really, we wish Fight Night was the type of spot where you'd hear Monday morning rumours about how the Mayor took two Redskins' cheerleaders up to his penthouse suite for a threeway that could be heard from the elevator banks down the hallway, even above the humming of the ice machine! But that's just plain ludicrous. Fight Night isn't like it used to be in the good ole Marion Barry days. Hell, we can't even confirm that the Mayor made it to the event.
Hold on a second, though. Let's just take a step back and analyze the whole 'bidding on laser lipo packages' thingy. 'Really', you ask? Trust me, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This comes straight from the Washington Post's kind-of, sort-of intrepid reporters at 'Reliable Source' regarding the other event going on over at the Ritz Carlton (for the ladies):
From 6:30 on, open bars kept the cocktail reception humming. Carol Joynt, Lisa Collis, Pamela Sorensen, event co-founders Cheryl Masri and Jill Sorensen and event chair Gina Adams, FedEx's top lobbyist, mingled; rumored "Real Housewives" Mary Amons and Lynda Erkelitian were there, as was Paul Wharton, a local style-setter linked to the in-production series. Meanwhile, Marlene Cooke perused the silent-auction spread (an assortment of laser lipo packages, baby clothes and Yves Saint Laurent sunglasses, among other things).
The real spending started after dinner, live-auction style. First on the block: A real live shih tzu mix puppy. Sleeping, in a basket. Until a shirtless guy picked it up and held it aloft. Boom: $3,250.
It was rapid fire after that. Eyebrow-shaping party for 30 at Erwin Gomez's Georgetown salon: $7,000. Private tango lessons with Robert Duvall: $3,000. Catered dinner for 10 at the D.C. Firehouse: $6,000.
And here are the firefighters, on stage in yellow "I Rescue Knockouts" tees, hoping to up the bidding. How about the very shirts off their backs? $500 a piece. Not many takers. "They sweated on them!" the auctioneer offers. A few more hands shoot up. A few more shirts come off.
Livestock auctions have come along way since the stockyard days of Chicago. As my little brother would say: "motherfuckers be auctioning off puppies!"
I feel sorry for that shih tzu puppy. And for Robert Duvall. Not everyone wins at Fight Night.
Okay, fuck it. Time to be honest. If I was old and rich and my wife were at some horrible charity Gala with all of her old, rich friends bidding on stupid shit like a SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLAR EYEBROW SHAPING PARTY FOR THIRTY, you know where I would want to be? Probably exactly where all those dudes were: smoking cigars (DC smoking ban be damned), watching boxing, hitting on 'models', eating steak and drinking whiskey.
A lot of whiskey. So much whiskey that I would need to take a cab (or limo) home. And hopefully enough whiskey that I would pass out in a drunken slumber before the sound of my wife telling me about how she just dropped three grand on a god-damn tango lesson with Robert Duvall registered in my cerebral cortex as an actual event that took place earlier in the evening. Seriously, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
We can't blame these guys for doing what they're doing. They don't really want to be there. Their wives are driving them into this sort of insanity with all of this uppercrust nonsensery. For christ's sake, they hate the fact that they are there. They hated themselves from the moment they walked in that dirty, dirty door. In fact, I'm willing to bet five hundred bucks that if you took fifty of the dudes who attended Fight Night and asked them six months ago if they wanted to go see Joan Jett in concert, all fifty would give you a range of answers from 'no thanks' to 'why in God's name would I want to see Joan Jett?'. I am quite confident that none of them would want to bid on a hideous, shark-shaped motorcycle, too. Let alone bid that lame-ass, piece of shit up to $110,000, even if it is for charity.
Note to guy who paid $110,000 for the motorcycle: get it repainted.
You are talking about dudes who scraped and clawed and gnashed their way to the top. That pile of money which they sleep on at night didn't just embezzle itself. So it's got to be painful for them to know that they're pissing their hard-earned cash away on a bunch of shitty memorabilia and overstock items that they wouldn't have purchased on their own accord and that they're only buying now to show up their fellow cronies in some sort of a weird, modern-day, chest-beating ritual. You've got to show 'em you're still boss, even in an economic downturn. Never reveal vulnerability, Buddy Fox.
Alas, this event was for charity. And these folks are a charitable bunch. You have to be charitable to buy a picture of Alexander Ovechkin that's this bad. He's not even playing, he's squirting himself with water on the bench. Even if it is autographed, it's still shitty. This may be the worst face that Ovy has ever been caught on camera making. In fact, it's almost as bad as the face that the guy who just bought it is making. Art occasionally imitates life. Or vice versa. I feel like that's the face of bidder's remorse.
Rumour has it that Reed Landry, of Late Night Shots fame, bid that autographed Mario Lopez poster up to 1200 bucks. I have it from a reliable source that Reed got in a bidding war over said poster but had to drop out when it got to be out of the LNS' coffers price range. To be fair, though, it didn't come with a frame.
Let's stop all the hating for a minute to point out some of the bright spots of the evening. Fight Night isn't just about infidelity. It's also about the clothes, people. The award for hottest couple of the evening went to Harold & Maude Potter. We caught them in the throes of passion on the stairwell and interrupted their makeout session long enough to snap some candid pics.
Every detail of their outfits was well thought-out. From his tie matching her jacket to her shirt matching his suit, they screamed haute couture. We're hoping they have lots of fashionable children.
And what's fashionable for men this year? Aside from black being the new black, apparently not smiling for photos is so hot this year. Teeth are so 2008. Guys, hide those pearly whites. Anger (or apathy) is flying off the runways of Milan, remember that you heard it here first.
Even Sugar Ray Leonard's jumping on the frumpy bandwagon. We hear he had that frown custom-made by Louis Vuitton! We love the picture below because not only are the two main subjects not smiling, the dude in the background is also pissed off ALONG with the pictures of old dudes on the wall. We couldn't fit any more unhappiness into this photo without using photoshop. Grrr!
And what about the ladies? Ball gowns, ball gowns, ball gowns. Or cheerleader outfits. Wha? We'll keep this article classy and focus on the ball gowns rather than the cheerleader outfits.
Maybe just a couple:
Okay, I've spent enough time writing this article. If you didn't get the Harold & Maude Potter joke, please scroll back up and read it again, btw. Gold. It's time to let the pictures do the talking.
P.S. Nothing screams "I just paid $500 a pop for a ticket to Fight Night" like bottle-shaped, aluminum cans of Bud and Bud Light. I'm just sayin'. I really hope somebody at the Fight Night planning committee reads this and contacts our good friends at Flying Dog Ale. If there's one thing the uber-rich, high-society folks of Washington DC love it's a fine, locally-crafted, independent brew. Well, that and tango lessons with Robert Duvall.
now for some actual fight photo by Sam:
Previously in I Heart DC:
- 2/14: 101 Reasons To Love DC-Part 2
- 2/13: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
- 2/13: 101 Reasons To Love DC-Part 1
- 2/10: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/9: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/8: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/8: Perfect Date Outfits + Outings
- 2/7: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/6: DC News You Can Maybe Use:
- 2/2: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
God loves a cheerful giver.
All I can say is: Are you fucking kidding me? (and "great writing"! . . . but mostly, are you fucking kidding me?)
Must comment more! My favorite lines:
“motherfuckers be auctioning off puppies!”
"Hell, we can’t even confirm that the Mayor made it to the event."
"uppercrust nonsensery"
"That pile of money which they sleep on at night didn’t just embezzle itself. "
"Harold & Maude Potter"
(PS - those are the most cheap-ass ball gowns I have ever seen, yo)
Holy crap these ppl ESPECIALLY the girls are nasty.
Maria, that is true, cheap-ass ball gowns galore.
wow. dc is lookin pretty glam! great article and photoz!
"teeth are so 2008" just made me spit a little green tea on my keyboard, and I'm not even mad about it.
Wow. If I'm wrong about the whole atheism thing, that's totally where I'm going to be spending eternity. *shudder*
Wow. Jeff reasserts his central role as one of the finest observers of and best writers about DC and the absurdity of our lives here.
"I can’t focus on the fact that the main attraction of a charity event to raise money to stop the abuse of women is a bunch of dudes beating the shit out of each other while people cheer them on." Well said, Jeff.
Though, to be fair, I had to copy and paste out the words into Notepad because the photos were making me retch on my keyboard.
I understand that you are most likely just pandering to your audience, but come on. It was a great event that raised a significant amount of money. If my attendance makes me a d-bag in your eyes, so be it. But let's not know the organization.
This reinforces how much I hate Adrian Fenty.
"You have to be charitable to buy a picture of Alexander Ovechkin that’s this bad. He’s not even playing, he’s squirting himself with water on the bench." - Not to mention the God awful Penguins jersey in the background.
Side note: I actually recognize the guy that bought the picture - one of my first hockey coaches. Pretty classy guy sans the face of a man who just got stick checked to the balls.
I never said it wasn't a great event. I had a good time.
Jeff - do you have your own blog?
This post is fantastic, minus all the pictures of girls in would-be ugly prom dresses.
"I never said it wasn’t a great event. I had a good time."
It seems like you made it at the expense of me and my friends; that's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry, Shameful, if that's how you feel. But who cares what I or anyone else thinks? If you had a good time and money was raised for charity and no hookers ended up drowned or strangled, that's all that matters.
omg!! this is amazing!! how many hours did you spend on it?
Yet you never call me to say "PK get dressed and come through, we're ridin'"
If by my own blog you mean a day job then yes, I have my own blog.
All i have to say that it was a great event , it might not be your scene but all those people came togther to have a little fun and raise some money. i think even if you don't approve of the way they choose to raise money you can't knock them for doing good . I felt lucky to get some of those shots of boxings legends . The mayor was very nice and most of the people were really excited that byt was at the event . So i praise them for doing good, and thank you to all the beautifal women in the gowns becuase you guys looked great , and those are my two cents .
- Garai Rice
Sounds like they went all out on the beer. Nice comment bout the Ovie pic. Gatorade-bench shot? Gimme a break! They would've gotten s'more cash if it was a decent picture.
LOVE THIS
also, I'm glad to see that homecoming dresses from a TJ Maxx fire sale make the cut for evening wear these days.
You know you ruffled feathers when your photographer gives you shit. I'm not knocking anyone for 'doing good'. Charity is absolutely noble. And if anyone really cares what I think, they shouldn't. I was just making some lighthearted observations. It's what I do.
since i'm feeling snarky today...
it's good to see everyone is being as fake and trivial as always. ugh, to these mildly ethnic skanks. especially to the flat chested asian tranny in the cheap red dress and the unflattering bob.
this is a goddamn riot. my favorite part: 'models'
who let the tattooed girl in?
God Jeff you are such a stalion..!!
see what they do? Rise people, rise.
good lord, the spectacles on Harold are utter grotesque.
Only two models have good looks, in my view, more or less.
Nice article, I have never been so proud of myself than when I declined ever putting myself in that herd of overmakeuped cattle whore call again. GOD DC is really a tragically unattractive city thank GOD there are cynical assholes like us to bring everyone back to reality. You're Welcome!
The only girl even remotely hot is the one in the blue dress sitting on that shitty goddamned motorcycle (seriously that thing is a disgrace to two wheeled motorbiking).
But I've seen her somewhere before.
the blue dress is ok, i suppose, except the machine she's on is quite lame-ass indeed.
this is me:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/41169001@N03/3960218913/in/set-72157622344285515/
i'll post more in a couple minutes
the Sugar Ray rant was hilarious. kudos on the writing.
This is by far one of the best articles I have read in a long time! Unfortunately in so many ways sad but true...However the event did raise a lot of money for a good cause which is wonderful...But come on ladies AND gentlemen can we please bring some class to the event next year?
hahah. i have a few guesses about who "barf..." may be. not slick, nor classy.
the dress is also orange, and vintage.
i was curious about who that might be. name names!!!
And to add her head looks like it went through the birthing canal all wrong.
finding a dress in the trash does not make it "vintage" and lets not talk about classy when you're getting paid to parade around for withered up old guys.
@ I agree with Barf: true that
@ Jeff: of course you want names drama queen
Jeff get your facts straight! You have the events mixed up... Fight Night at the Washington Hilton raises money for children's charities such as: http://www.fightnightdc.org/recipients-fight_night.asp. The event at the Ritz Carlton is Knock Out Abuse which does not showcase any boxing!
"I can’t focus on the fact that the main attraction of a charity event to raise money to stop the abuse of women is a bunch of dudes beating the shit out of each other while people cheer them on. " Is for children's charities not abuse of women!!
Sorry, Annoyed, although they are sister events. You don't have much of a leg to stand on here.
BEST ARTICLE IVE READ ON BYT!
if these are the dad's of DC -- it proves that douche bag is indeed genetic.
more of this please!
Nice photos & writing. Thank you for the Harold & Maude Potter joke. But what makes you think the lipo'd, shaped, and botoxed wives aren't out spending their hard-embezzled cash on stretch-and-shellack treatments to help them forget that their douchebag trophy husbands are out banging slutty, apparel-challenged sluts?
Please tell me you guys sent someone to both events tonight and we can expect equally as good coverage tomorrow
Bravo Jeff for an awesome article. Bravo BYT for running it.
164624 @2010: i think we may be banned from it 4 life
You no talent ass-clown. Do you know anything about which you write? Fight Night has nothing to do with abused women and actually has no official connection to the "sister event" Knock-out Abuse. The relationship between Fight Night and Knock-out only exists because the founder of Knock-out was married at the time to the founder of Fight Night. Fight Night was created 6 years before and showcases boxing because its creation was based on funding the Alexandria Boxing Club, where both my father and I fought and keeps many local kinds from getting involved in "destructive" activities. Fail to mention amidst all your hating that this event has raised over $300 Million for DC children. Yeah, its kind of a male chauvinist event, but there is nothing else like it that can compete with it and why it is one of the most sought after tickets and best event/party in town. 21 years is testament to that. Also, that bike sold for $65 k, not $110.
Lastly, the picture with the older lady and young man whom you refer to as Harold and Maude Potter and that "[You] caught them in the throes of passion on the stairwell and interrupted their makeout session long enough to snap some candid pics. Hope they have many fashionable children," that's my grandmother and my cousin, her grandson.
Are you trying to be unique? You're not the only one in Fight Night's 21 years to write negatively on the event, but curious why you do so if you had such a good time?
Get it right! The grown men are beating each other for our youth! Each and every left hook and uppercut that smashes into another face is for a child!
The point is "Get it right." This article is full of factual inaccuracies and some disrespectful, inappropriate, and completely made up comments about specific individuals who attended the event. Namely my family.
Also, Martin, the fighters fight because they are professional fighters and that's the path they have chosen in their life, not because of children's charities. They do it to advance in their craft. In fact, one of the fights this year showcased a young 17 year old ameture from Alexandria Boxing Club, the same club that is funded by the Fight for Children organization, who is ranked #2 in the country and is a possible member of the US Olympic team. Also, because of the programs funded by this event, that inner city kid is about to graduate from H.S. and go to college, a rarity for many kids in his circumstance.
Jeff, I apologize for the lack of respect in my opening comment of my previous post; however, you show a complete lack of respect and professionalism in you article for overlooking what the event does for the kids in this city, for writing an article filled with made up facts, and for your comments surrounding the supposed inappropriate relationship between my grandmother and her grandson. Respect begets respect.
Best quote I've ever heard:
Lastly, the picture with the older lady and young man whom you refer to as Harold and Maude Potter and that "[You] caught them in the throes of passion on the stairwell and interrupted their makeout session long enough to snap some candid pics. Hope they have many fashionable children," that's my grandmother and my cousin, her grandson.
Mr. Robert III,
I don't even know how to respond to your several rambling comments. Let me attempt, though. Many times I find that people who have nothing to hide refrain from responding to ridiculous accusations. Could it be that your feeble attempts to deny any sort of relationship between your grandmother and your cousin are masking some deep cover-up? I am not one to judge. Perhaps you should just either a) take a fucking joke or b) fess up to the inappropriate actions that are taking place in these pictures. The public now has a right to know the nature of the relationship between the boy and his "grandmother".
And further, by my math, you raised $300 million fucking dollars and sent one crummy inner-city kid to boxing class? AND you're taking credit for him going to college? Isn't it a stretch to say that he is graduating from H.S. and off to college because of your boxing class? Talk to me once he's graduated college and won a gold medal at the 2012 olympics. Then I MIGHT say that your 300 mill was well spent. Oh wait, I still think you could have gotten better bang for your buck. I will give you credit by saying that the 300,000,000 dollars were better off going to a charity than the prostitutes and coke that it might have been dropped on, but that's about all you're going to get from me. Especially when you come barging onto the website with your coke-fueled rants about how "its kind of a male chauvinist event, but there is nothing else like it that can compete with it and why it is one of the most sought after tickets and best event/party in town". Your words, not mine.
Do yourself a favor and write what you want to say on a word document and then take a fifteen minute break before cutting and pasting. THEN reflect if this is how you really want to represent yourself on the internet (forever) before pressing the send button.
P.S. Can I get Maude's number?
The comment section for this article should be closed so that Jeff's last missive isn't lost between future, lesser comments. Perfect.
I do believe that's Smokin Joe Frazier in those pictures!!!