Big Pope’n: BYT’s Guide to Living Large during the Papal Visit

April 15, 2008 by John  Send to a Friend

Growing up as a preacher’s son in a small, protestant town (complete with a school system which officially banned both rock & roll and dancing), Catholics seemed as far-removed and mysterious to us as Kevin Bacon’s dance moves in Footloose. That doesn’t make me the best authority at Brightest Young Things to comment on the Pope, but the whole lot of us are probably going to Hell, so its really a wash anyway.

Even if you can’t get into any events with the Pontiff during the Holy Father’s visit, you can still roll like Ratzinger by living it big with the Brightest Young Things Guide to Living Large during the Papal visit:

Wednesday, April 16

10:30am - Pope visits the White House
Public Status: You need to be friends with Dick Cheney to get in
Alternative: Sleep-in

District residents don’t go to the White House. If your parents visiting from Kansas can’t drag your ass down to stand in line for tickets to see the South Lawn, neither can the Pope. Skip this one.

12:00pm - Papal parade through Northwest DC
Public Status: Open to the Public

The Pope travels by Popemobile from the White House west on Pennsylvania Avenue, by the campus of George Washington University and up Rock Creek Parkway to the Vatican Embassy. He totally snubs Georgetown. Sidewalks are open to thousands of cheering fans. Its almost like seeing Barack Obama, but not quite.

1:00pm - Birthday lunch at Vatican Embassy - Special lunch prepared by Cafe Milano
Public Status: You can’t get in.
Alternative: Lunch in “The Pope Room” at Buca di Beppo down the street on Connecticut Avenue.

Bucca di Beppo bills itself as “an authentic Italian restaurant that offers flavorful Italian dining.” Its not. The stuff you find here may be featured in episodes of The Sopranos, but it will never be seen on an actual Italian’s plate. As long as you enter that gaudy enclave of Italian stereotypes with an ironic mindset, you’ll have fun.

Groups on twelve or more can ask to reserve “The Pope Room” which features a round table with a spinning papa in the middle. As a bonus, Bucca di Beppo is mostly filled with out-of-town tourists fronting fanny packs - the same type of pilgrims who will flock to the District to mark the Papal visit.

5:45pm - Vespers in honor of the Madonna at the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception
Public Status: You need to be a Catholic Bishop
Alternative: Prayerfully pre-order Madonna’s “Hard Candy” on iTunes.

One is Like a Virgin, and the other actually is. Google search “Madonna” and the first three pages of links you’ll get back all refer to the Material Girl. The actual Madonna (of which Madonna Louise Ciccone gained her name) only clocks in starting at number 32.

7:30pm - Papal downtime and evening activity at the Vatican Embassy
Public Status: Closed
Alternative: Hairspray at the Warner Theatre

Even if you can’t get into any Papal events, you can still see a man in a dress as Jerry O’Boyle takes his turn as Edna Turnblad in the touring production of Hairspray. Its as colorful and camp as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Tickets start at $38.50.

Thursday, April 17

8:30am - Private Breakfast at the Vatican Embassy
Public Status: If they won’t let DC’s famous “Vatican Hides Pedophiles” protester in (he’s been hanging outside the Vatican Embassy for years), they won’t let you.
Alternative: Eggs Benedict at The Diner

Even if you can’t eat with Benedict, you can still taste the Papal experience with a crisp, English muffin topped with poached eggs and a creamy hollandaise sauce. Most places don’t serve brunch during the weekend, but at The Diner in Adams Morgan you can order breakfast 24 hours a day. The restaurant will serve you Eggs Benedict for $7.95 on Saturday and Sunday, but if you tell them its for the Pope, you might get them to serve you their brunch special during the week. Yogurt-and-Granola Ratzinger not available.

10:00am - Papal Mass at Nationals Park
Public Status: Sold Out
Alternative: Papal Mass transportation

In honor of the Pontiff, Metro is issuing special “Papal Passes” complete with fare discounts and papal iconography. Pope to say a special prayer for broken escalators and elevator outages during the homily. Local residents pray that visitors stand to the right.

5:00pm - Papal visit with representatives of Catholic universities at the Catholic University of America
Public Status: You are not a university president
Alternative: Shopping at Mazza Galleria

This Pope is known for his fondness for Prada pumps and Gucci sunglasses. You can find both in Friendship Heights at the Mazza Galleria. Attendants at Neiman Marcus will dutifully dote over your American Express while classical pianists sooth your shopping experience.

6:30pm - Papal meeting with Leaders of Other Religions at Catholic University of America
Public Status: You need to be a Muslim or a Jew and recognized as one of their leaders (Episcopalians don’t count)
Alternative: Free “Personality Test” at the Founding Church of Scientology

The cult kids at the Founding Church of Scientology at Connecticut and R will happily give you a “personality test” for free. All that is required to measure your thetan level is a willingness to sign over your mortgage and an obsessively odd devotion to Days of Glory. Nicole Kidman not permitted.

Friday, April 18

8:45am - Pope Departs Andrews Airforce Base on private Alitalia flight to New York
Public Status: Open to the press
Alternative: You’re taking the Fung Wa Chinatown bus to Penn Station

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