a rerun, but this list will forever be fun
So, this happened to my inbox: a mass email thread about relationships gone wrong (guided by hindsight) created by girls you know, perhaps girls you have even known in the biblical sense. The following 100 points are dedicated to helping female readers know when to bail the hell out of a developing fling or relationship.
So sympathize, try to identify, assign blame, feel outed, feel outraged, add on, add out,
go nuts!
This is basically 100 blind items. BYT went all Cosmo/Gossip-Girl on this one.
You know you should "run bitch, run!" when your he...
1. is prone to quick loss of temper
2. still wears clothing, jewelry, basically anything bought or previously owned by an ex.
3. flirts with your friends
4. takes you to meet his parents on the second date
5. has more than 1000 facebook friends
6. excessively uses emoticons
7. has both his phone number and address on facebook
8. excessively uses exclamation points
9. is in a band, a dj or a photographer
10. has only female friends
11. he admits to getting a happy ending at a massage parlor his DAD took him to.
12. comments on every cute girls' photos
13. doesn't wear underwear
14. has dated one or more of your friends
15. consistently makes comments about how attractive you and your friends are.
16. communicates solely via text or facebook message
17. has NO female friends
18. has more/better clothes/shoes/hair products than you do
19. takes longer than you do to get dressed/do his hair
20. constantly says women are "psycho" or "crazy"
21. always talks about his ex
22. NEVER talks about his ex
23. tells you that you shouldn't get close to him, he'll only hurt you, etc. BARF.
24. tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you" on the first date.
25. references "the woman you could be/could become" or generally treats you like a 4H project.
26. is overly intense trying to be friends with your friends
27. wants nothing to do with your friends.
28. has hooked up with not just one of your friends, but every semi attractive girl you know
29. lies about things that don't really matter….basically any and everything
30. buys clothing in multiples
31. both his male and female friends warn you about them...LISTEN!!
32. ONLY photographs naked women in his studio and claims it's all for art.
33. owns/wears mandals
34. has biceps roughly the same size or smaller than yours (there are ahem, practical reasons why a guy needs upped body strength)
35. refers to his current girlfriend he's cheating on as "the speedbump"
36. doesn't concede defeat in an argument
38. owns a flat iron
39. makes you shave his hairy back!
30. he's in a BROmance
41. PICKY EATER!
42. he intentionally gets a matching tattoo with one of his friends.
43. he's into tantric sex
44. doesn't know when to shave that beard (I could name names here but that's too easy)
45. insists on taking pictures/video taping you making out/ having sex (WARNINGGG!)
46. can't put ikea furniture together. man up dude
47. he lives in his friend's closet (yes, really - a walk-in closet but still)
48. sleeps on a mat on the floor. (not an air mattress but literally a thin ass mat on the floor)
49. he shouts, "Who's your daddy?" while smacking your ass in bed...over and over and over again.
50. overly concerned about his hands and will only have sex in positions where he won't have to support himself, "because I'm a musician and my hands are my life!!"
51. won't let himself orgasm because he has more artistic talent when he saves his seed.
53. has catholic guilt and denies looking at porn, yet when you snoop on his computer, you find -- what else -- a shitload of porn.
54. belongs to a bondage appreciation group on myspace.
55. uses the elliptical machine at the gym. real men run
56. won't have sex with you because "he likes you too much".
57. he sees a therapist for sexual problems
58. takes his cellphone with him when he goes to the bathroom. (you really could snoop through it while he's asleep if you wanted to.)
59. he spends an ample amount of time with his rugby friends on a weekly basis but yet you've never met any of them.
60. dirty draws. nobody wants to see skid marks on your underwear dude
61. has slept with his band mate.
62. goes hysterical because you don't call him before you go to sleep.
63. has made out with more than 10 dudes and still claims to be straight.
64. has a flesh colored beard
65. he can't keep "it" up…you can't ALWAYS have whiskey dick
66. when you're not feeling like sex, he says "Come on, babe, just the tip"
67. uses the same creepy baby talk voice and nickname with ALL the girls he dates
68. waxes his eyebrows (not just getting rid of a gnarly unibrow, but shaping them in order to compliment his bone structure)
69. flirts with EVERYBODY from the hot bartender to the creepy old drunk at the end of the bar
70. checks himself out in the mirror while having sex (american psycho style)
71. constantly calls you "dude" (wtf is that)
72. makes you feel secondary to the porn he watches during sex..........
73. philosophy/psychology major
74. he's cheap
75. makes you strip down the paint on the fixed gear bike he is building for himself for 3 hours while he drinks with his friends.
76. is always oh so sad and basically begs you to ask what's wrong with him.
77. pisses your bed and then blames the dog
78. he lives with his parents
79. you find an empty condom wrapper on the floor of his bedroom
80. the slight possibility that he is/was DMB fan.
81. asks you what kind of men are usually attracted to you, because of, uh, you know, your body type. (after already asking if you've been in any interracial relationships within the first five minutes of meeting you.)
82. your friend says this: "i thought he was gay but then i saw you making out with him and i was just confused"
83. wears ultra tight pants when he can't really pull it off
84. wants to put a dildo on the bottom of his cello so when he plays the girl can feel the vibrations. (is that even possible?!)
85. lives outside the beltway.
86. when you're eating, he says "I bet that doesn't taste as good as being thin feels."
87. touches you inappropriately in front of his friends
88. cries after (attempted) sex.
89. actually, cries in general unless a friend/relative/pet has died.
90. is not familiar with basic concepts of grammar (your vs you're, its vs it's, etc)
91. continues to use myspace extensively and is not in a band or a dj
92. says "i love you because you are the perfect combination of me and my ex-gf"
93. would not have sex with you but offered to let you "hop on his face" and he'd "munch around"
94. knows the names of all the sex stores in DC.
95. talks extensively about his ex-girlfriend (and first love) as being the "nicest girl" he's ever met
96. hasn't broken up with said ex-girlfriend when you start dating
97. will give you a password to one of his social networking sites in exchange for a blow job (you damn well better make sure this isn't the same password to EVERYTHING ELSE you d-bag)
98. you have to decide between the last time he showered versus how much you want sex
99. has ever EVER actually ripped his shirt off in anger....
100. it sounds awkwardly rehearsed when he tried to talk dirty.
Previously in I Heart DC:
- 2/13: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
- 2/13: 101 Reasons To Love DC-Part 1
- 2/10: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/9: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/8: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/8: Perfect Date Outfits + Outings
- 2/7: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/6: DC News You Can Maybe Use:
- 2/2: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
- 2/1: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
God loves a cheerful giver.
so basically, don't date anyone that contributes or reads this website.
and am i the only chick that doesn't read her boyfriend's/ex's texts, and want his passwords to email/facebook/etc? and i'm not trying to be self-righteous, but i do believe in some privacy for all. though if they are texting or on the phone when i'm around i expect them to tell me who it is/was.
i hate dirty talk. hate it!
These are inherently stupid. Number 1 would discount anyone dating Beethoven, Toscanini, or Frank Lloyd Wright. No. 13 means you can't date me.
Oh nevermind. I got stupider trying to finish it.
Dirty talk is awesome, especially when it's about moms.
for discourse purposes I think it would be rad if men listed their lists.
evening out the playing field etc.
I hope you girls all find your romeo/prince charming/orlando bloom inside the beltway, with very few facebook friends, not using myspace because he ISNT in a band, or spinning records, or using a camera, his hygeine is good, but not better than yours, obviously, he talks about his ex just enough to keep you interested, wears underwear, but always a fresh pair, has guy friends, but not TOO close, I could go on and on, but instead I'll just give up and go back to listening to my Dave Matthews Band tapes.
BTW, the dog DID piss the bed.
Also, seriously ladies, name names. I want to know who wears mandals. Out this dude.
can we all just agree on #6
talking about your cat on our first date.
saying your cat is your best friend.
cat hair on all your clothes.
talking cute in cat voice.
joking about how if it doesn't work out with men you'll just end up with 1000 cats.
hells noooo
#44 =(
#48 means you can't date the Japanese.
not a single one of the items on that list apply to me.
Ahh, The life of a true gentleman.
51. won’t let himself orgasm because he has more artistic talent when he saves his seed.
I want to know who this one is, too. SPILL. (ew, that was an inadvertent pun...)
Also, #90 - girl, i feel you on that. If you text me and IT'S spelled all types of wrong...there goes the ladyboner.
the contributors to this list have dated some weird ass motherfuckers. some of the items on here nearly unbelievable. 50 and 51 are just plain scary.
Who doesn't love DMB secretly?
Or Pearl Jam?
i just had to google what DMB meant.
Likes Pearl Jam. So what?
Hates DMB. I don't even like DM. He has a huuuuuuuuge head.
@ eddie
ahahahaha...#50 and #51 are the same person. looking back it's extremely creepy.
2. still wears clothing, jewelry, basically anything bought or previously owned by an ex.
You mean I have to throw away clothes that an ex bought me? Why?
13. doesn’t wear underwear
Certain pants aren't conducive to underwear
19. takes longer than you do to get dressed/do his hair
story of my life
38. owns a flat iron
guilty
55. uses the elliptical machine at the gym. real men run
Just bought my own. Then again, I never claimed to be a real man.
71. constantly calls you “dude” (wtf is that)
Tool Academy
82. your friend says this: “i thought he was gay but then i saw you making out with him and i was just confused”
story of my life
this one though is probably the most disturbing:
75. makes you strip down the paint on the fixed gear bike he is building for himself for 3 hours while he drinks with his friends.
...and I will use it to sum up my feelings on most of the bad behavior mentioned here and the pic of that guy at the bottom. #75 is your fucking fault you stupid cunt. Look, stop fucking guys that do that. That "pimp" in the picture up there? Those guys on Tool Academy? They get laid. They act like that, and they get laid. Do you want guys to stop acting like that? Stop fucking them. It's that simple. I blame women for every douchebag on the planet. Please. Stop. Fucking. Douchebags. And. Douchebags. Will. Stop. Being. Douchebags.
From the Onion: Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore
Cosmopolitan makes its bread by selling the same issue every month.
I will post a list when I finish this project at work.
As per dirty talk, really depends on the person. Works for some. Works really well for others. Fails for a few. Incites laughter in the rest.
PS Wax, I like cats! So young ladies who have kittehs get bonus points. Extra bonus points for those who send links to stuff from I Can Haz Cheeseburger.
Cale, word. I mean, not to blame the victim, but ladies gotta for reals run-bitch-run when people act like d-bags, and someday, the d-bags may learn.
23. tells you that you shouldn’t get close to him, he’ll only hurt you, etc. BARF.
That one makes me want to kill, not just barf.
Seriously, MAKES you strip down the paint? Grow a spine. You are not a slave.
P.S. What kind of bike was it?
Run Bastard, Run
1. Believes in Jesus/magic
2. Asks for your sign
3. Likes "everything but rap and country"
4. Subscribes to US Weekly
5. Thinks you should wait to eat until she gets her food
what tickles me the most is the fact that if you're a guy (in the BYT regular audience) reading this, at least one of these is written about YOU.
ladies, listen to Cale for once: don't. date. douchebags. especially ones in furry hats.
A few things:
*In response to #9 "Is in a band, a dj or a photographer
Ladies"
Quite possibly one of the dumbest things I've read all morning (and I tend to read right wing newspapers for a laugh).
Confidence and jealousy issues be damned, there is nothing wrong with dating musicians, DJs or photographers. Here's a little secret ladies, if a guy is playing a show or DJing or out taking photos, he's working. It may be fun 80% of the time. When I'm playing a show, my main concerns are with band issues (sound, getting paid, load in/load out).
If there is ever...ever ...EVAAAAAH a time that jealousy should ever dare to creep into your mind it should be:
a) When he's at other bands' shows
b) When he's at parties
c) If he's the sort who LOUDLY reminds girls that he's in a band.
Please note that these only apply to men in relationships. Single fellas, keep it real like Uday, all day.
And as a tribute to Cale, who once again has proven himself to be quite a "G", here are my OTHER Responses:
27. wants nothing to do with your friends.
*If your friends suck, then this is totally legit.
30. buys clothing in multiples
*I guess you're not into fellas who like to stay FLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
17. has NO female friends
*Then y'all go and complain when we have lots of female friends!
42. he intentionally gets a matching tattoo with one of his friends.
*Sperry Boy Brown has a matching tattoo with one of his friends, and he's the man!
93. would not have sex with you but offered to let you “hop on his face” and he’d “munch around”
*Ungrateful....
38. owns a flat iron
*Proof that this list was written by a white woman who has never been around black dudes with long extensions a la Andre 3000 or Snoop back in the day.
39. makes you shave his hairy back!
*Who else is gonna do it? Damn...
78. he lives with his parents and
74. he’s cheap
*Economy's rough, you gold digger.
84. wants to put a dildo on the bottom of his cello so when he plays the girl can feel the vibrations. (is that even possible?!)
*Son, that's Nobel Prize material right there. Are you serious!
75. makes you strip down the paint on the fixed gear bike he is building for himself for 3 hours while he drinks with his friends.
*Hard work builds character
RBR
1. tells you that your friends are more important to you than she is even though you spend more time with her than your friends
2. has ONLY gay guy friends (that's just weird)
3. hardly ever likes to go out
4. talks about herself constantly
5. is uncomfortable being naked
Patrick, let's set the record straight blipster to blipster so we can all enjoy black history month a little bit more.
Snoop "back in the day" and Andre 3000 even Katt Williams for that matter don't use flat iron. That luxurious hair is a by product of relaxer, a hair dryer and a boar bristle brush.
If I played cello and a girl did not want a dildo on the end to ride as I played I'd dump her.
At the bequest of Jeff Jetton, I will publicly declare my comments re #98... FUCK daily showering. both genders. the only thing worse than daily showering is daily hairwashing.
i've never dated a girl long-term if i didn't like her natural scent. and what can i say, the smell of soap just doesn't turn me on.
Wow this list goes on and on...
When I’m playing a show, my main concerns are with band issues (sound, getting paid, load in/load out).
vs.
c) If he’s the sort who LOUDLY reminds girls that he’s in a band.
HMMMM.
just kidding.
HAHAHA at Wax's comment. What does a cat voice even sound like?! How do you "talk cute" in a cat voice?
in the end someone just has to decide what's a dealbreaker for them. i have a much higher tolerance for some items on this list (ie being in a band...especially if i'm in one too), but all that weird sex and ex stuff, hell no.
we've all experienced some of these men, and that just makes it more hilarious to laugh about later.
patrick
@42 we don't name names.
@38 let me up you on your black history facts which seem to be severely lacking.
Madame CJ Walker-
In the early 1900s, Madam C.J. Walker was one of the most well known blacks of the time. America’s first black woman millionaire made her fortune with the invention of hair care products specifically tailored to black women. She had a hand in revolutionizing the way black women styled their hair by combining the use of the hot comb with her hair care products.
Snoop and Andre 3000 both get their butters whipped on the regular with a hot comb. It's sad, but not surprising you don't know the difference between that and extensions.
uh, i shower every morning. that's bad? hmmm... i'm ok with it.
Lauren and Amina,
I don't have any sisters! And I never paid attention when my mom would talk about her hair. So I apologize for my ignorance.
Jeff:
I'm talking about those guys in bands who, at a party or a bar, that'll be the first or second thing to come out of their mouth.
Can we add 'Gives a massage to another girl at the bar on your first date.'
#116 you're saddlebag arms are bigger than my bicepts and thighs
#128 you shower less than gavin holland
#143 you made a webpage dedicated to me
#156 there was a dead mouse in your mattress on the floor
#251 your cat can beat up my dog
I got halfway through the list, and none of the comments, when I felt compelled to add...
When he constantly mentions hating his mother...RED FLAG! Huge, waving, red flag...
i think 50% or more of these could apply to me. im movin to scranton.
I have definitely submitted my cat's picture to icanhazcheesburger.com
I can't wait to have 1000 cats...sh*t
I'm obviously a lady...and my cat's picture is obviously my cell phone's wallpaper...sh*t again
9. is in a band, a dj or a photographer
byt, you ruined by life.
eddie: but perhaps you'd be happier if you took Wednesdays off.
Wow. No wonder so many girls in dc are single.
Love this list. I just want to add a few more things.
101. He mentions children/marriage in the first conversation.
102. He has his name tattooed right above his ass in big Old English: "NATE.'"
103. He calls you from county jail.
104. He has his friends call you from county jail.
105. Upon first introduction, he has to apologize for his friend who just slapped your ass/grabbed your boob/tried to lodge his tongue down your throat/started an argument about something as stupid as jumping rope. By the transitive property, this guy is an undercover asshole.
106. Air drumming while driving, especially, or air drumming, generally. Air guitar is a different story.
107. He thinks "feminist" is a dirty word.
108. He has ladies lingerie strewn across his floor.
109. He tells you where you "should go" instead of properly inviting you because he doesn't want to chance you saying "No." For instance, "You should go to X" instead of "Would you like to join me at X?" Maddening.
110. He doesn't watch any sports. At all. Ever.
So basically the list is an advocate for going lesbian.
Jason - agreed.
110. Is motorcycle racing a sport? I should hope so. It's hella more entertaining than fat guys fighting over a ball.
103. I can say the DC jail is a pretty awesome place to call from, or would be. I've been there twice. I didn't have to call anyone though because both times the cops have wanted to ride my motorcycle so they always ride it to the station for me and I just get on and leave in the morning.
i would ask that there be one exception for air drumming, and that is for air drumming, while driving, to the drum solo in "in the air tonight"
fuck Pearl Jam.
Hey, for the guy's version of this list: ladies, can we kill this notion that you shouldn't wash your hair because it looks more lustrous or whatever? Here's a tip girls: no matter what it looks like in photos, when you don't wash your hair it STINKS! Stop being so vain. Oh also: if your girl has a "signature" photo pose she practiced in the mirror to maximize her foxiness in "candid" photos, DTMFA pronto. That's just the beginning.
@Dave - i would ask that there be a billion exceptions for air drumming
@Becca - read this
It's always "nice," when a guy suggests that you groom yourself better down under, meanwhile you can't see his tree through the forest...so to speak.
I agree with Cale about decreasing the demand for Douchebags. Alas, we all fall victim at some point. Here are mine:
101. He is attempting to become a Mason.
102. When he broke up with his ex-fiance, the police had to be called for domestic abuse.
103. He has an ex-fiance at the age of 23.
104. He has rosary beads and a vial of Holy water next to his bed, but sleeps through Sunday mass every week with you.
jason and becca, aren't you in aspen? wtf, get off your computers and go hit snowmass or buttermilk.. tsk.
Michael,
103. Are you calling collect? Because, if so, DENIED.
110. Motorcycle racing is a sport.
Yeah, I'm putting the beat down on the air drumming ban, too.
Then again I have an entire arsenal of air instruments from guitar, drums, piano/keyboard, harmonica, washboard...
I just want to say I thought this was great. Not sure why people are taking it so personally above. Hmmm... and about #51, well, I've known two guys who felt that way and I don't think they're the same as Mr. Blind Item 51 above. It's not that uncommon.
@Cale: I think Libby already said it on that post.
Cynthia - 103. When one is in jail how is one expected to have change to call? A bit of change can keep your butthole invasion free for a few hours afterall.
cynthia - you can only call collect from jail, fyi.
Michael,
I didn't realize you were locked up. I thought the cops just wanted to ride your bike. I guess it depends on what the charges are... I would probably make exceptions, depending on the circumstances, but I'd really like to think I've learned my lesson. The hard way.
@eddie: i'm currently stuck in the memphis airport, drooling over the ipod vending machine (so many colors!) and following this shitshow on my E71 while i wait for the winds to die down. (did you know memphis moves twice as much cargo as miami? #1 in the world, no shit.)
Also: i love how a) cusses, b) doesn't hold the door open, c) always wears tennis shoes, and d) drinks too much didn't make this list. I think it says more about the women composing it than it does their (kinda awesome, admit it) exes.
Cynthia - and there it is: in love you make exceptions, which means a list like this is absolutely worthless in real life and pretty much worthless on the internet, too, other than to serve as the impetus for discussion about its ridiculousness.
Any girl who would seriously stop seeing a guy for violating one of these "rules" is in need of serious help, granted, of course they are "with" the guy and not just first date crap.
I could probably make any chick love me so hard they'd bring their granny into bed with us if I asked.
Unfortunately for those girls who secretly want to have a menage-a-oldsome with Grans: I'm too damned lazy to try.
49. he shouts, “Who’s your daddy?” while smacking your ass in bed…over and over and over again.
You mean women don't like this?
Oh, there I go using emoticons. I'm undatable.
Oh, wrt air drumming: i don't air drum, i actually tap drum with my fingers. I'm really good, it adds to the music. the fact that it had excellent finger access to the steering column is one of the characteristics that swayed me toward selecting my last car, no kidding.
while I am (mostly) staying out of this I feel there should be something in here about matching tattoos with ex-girlfriends.
@ Jason
I may have dated guys who over half this list applies to but they a) actually hardly ever cussed, b) always held the door open, c) aren't fans of tennis shoes, and d) don't drink that much... go figure.
BYT needs a message board.
Michael: "I want to know what love is/I know you can show me." Agreed. This is just fun to laugh about in retrospect. This is us collectively saying: "You thought you were dumb?"
Jason Bond: When you actually tap an object/body part and make noise, I don't consider that air drumming. That's drumming to me.
This preliminary list was complied from the reliable source of my own inbox:
b1. hates dirty talk
b2. forces you to watch Dirty Dancing.
b3. discusses strategy of making ex jealous
b4. sends back more than one bottle of wine during single meal
b5. knows who HP Lovecraft is
b6. parents are Moonies
b7. texts excessively during dinner
b8. worked on Hillary Clinton campaign
b9. thinks she is psychic
b10. refuses to join facebook
b11. answers direct text message questions with unrelated statements
b12. freaks with randoms after you bring her to a bar
b13. has a bartender
b14. 3 years younger than you--derisively calls you Dad
b15. on first date, asks "Why do you Like me?"
b16. is vegan
b17. is vegetarian
b18. bakes all the time but never eats
b19. tells you flat out that she is batshit crazy trouble
b20. tells you she never cries
b21. goes into great detail about how wonderful her father is
b22. listed as bisexual on match.com
b23. cute hats
b24. drunken groping forgotten about by next encounter, along with your name
b25. 24 yr. old virgin
b26. 30+, only associates with buddies from College/Peace Corps
b27. enjoys putting down other women’s clothes
b28. doesn't lean over and unlock your door after you open hers
b29. doesn't let you open doors for her
b30. doesn't notice if you don't open doors for her ungrateful ass
b31. walks and smokes
b32. whistles
b33. the first time you do it she says “IM ONLY 16” right as you start just to mess with your head
b34. asks you about your ex incessantly, even during sex
b35. hates fat people
b36. always talking about what “real men” do
b37. says “in my life” and isn’t quoting the smiths
b38. autolocks car door when black people walk by
b39. doesn’t like wet hot american summer
b40. doesn’t like cartoons
b41. doesn’t like moshpits
b42. doesn’t like smoking or drinking or fun of any kind
b43. loves Lost
b44. allergic to stuff
b45. not on the pill
b46. MUST SIT OUTSIDE NO NOT HERE ITS TOO COLD
b47. can’t dance
b48. airs thoughts on bearing children during first date
b49. complains that she's last of friends to get married
b50. complains about what losers her exes are
Re:
b39. doesn’t like wet hot american summer
b43. loves Lost
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
@Svetlana
42. He intentionally gets a matching tattoo with one of his friends.
*There's nothing wrong with getting a matching tattoo with a friend/travel buddy, right? right/
i mostly just care about matching tattoos with exes (or inevitably soon-to-be-exes).
other than that-i'm not going to be that nitpicky.
Also re:anonymous men-i don't think you should date anyone who DOESN'T have a bartender.
This list does not mean to single out any guy that does these things as "undateable", I mean seriously dudes, get the sand out of your vaginas. These are just general rules to follow, and rules are made to be broken.
@Jason a)I cuss b)I can open my own door, it's nice when a guys does it, but I can do it myself. c)What is wrong with always wearing tennis shoes if his job allows it? d) All of my girlfriends and I "drink too much" whatever the hell that even mean...
My biggest beef with the list? It's so freakin' negative that it just ends up being counterproductive.
How about a list of "100 Dope Things that Men have done for me." Not only would you be giving RESPECT to all the Bishop Don Magic Juans out there, you'd also give examples for scrubs to follow.
@ anonymous men
please refer to #90
@patrick: that is a SUPERB idea.
@ anonymous men: personally offended by b32, if you're good at it, why can't that be a great way to express happiness?
Oh..and congrats guys..you actually just made a pretty great list of the kinds of women that I wouldnt be friends with...for the most part...
PK: I think that is an excellent idea. If I knew how to bold and underline my last statement, I totally would. I don't think this list should be taken too seriously. We're really making fun of ourselves here...If it's any consolation, I wholly recognize your flyness as do many others.
Pay no attention to the gay 80s guy behind the curtain, these are from more than one bro, bro.
b51. is a stickler about grammar to cover up her lack of a useful education
b52. CRAZY
b53. only dances in a circle of friends.
b54. thinks making eye-contact means you're creepy.
b55. uses the word creepy. Ever.
b56. hates dogs
b57. will only speak in public to dogs
b58. shortly after beginning period, complains about lack of foreplay
b59. drinks lite beer exclusively
b60. hyphenated first name
b61. at black cat every night, has never seen a show there
b62. writes a sex blog
b63. writes any kind of blog
b64. in law school
b65. lives with parents
b66. constantly worries about getting offended
b67. uses "11-15" to describe number of sexual partners
b68. refuses to visit H Street bars
b69. absolutely will not attend sporting event
b70. details ob/gyn visits
b71. studies public policy
b72. won't let you buy her drink
b73. hates getting oral sex
b74. her yoga instructor is very inspirational
b75. calls pho "ethnic food"
b76. voted for nader
b77. begins date by detailing piss fetish
b78. has a kid and/or boyfriend
b79. tells you what therapist thinks of relationship
b80. spits often
b81. spits at all
b82. won't suck dick
b83. won't acknowledge roommate
b84. refers to herself as a professional
b85. thinks putting out on the first date makes her a whore
b86. father is Congressman
b87. drives 500 miles to help melodramatic friend recover from a breakup
b88. doesn’t own a TV
b89. does nothing but watch TV
b90. performs unplanned stinkfinger on you during sex
b91. goes to the drum circle at Meridian Hill.
b92. is a member of a Capoiera group.
b93. majored in Gender Studies or any "Studies" at all.
b94. won’t makes friends with anyone unattractive or unconnected
b95. demands spooning all night
b96. will never sleep over
b97. blogs about you
b98. refuses to blog about you
b99. kisses like a dying fish
b100. Virginia. That is all.
Anonymous Men would like to point out that this covers 99.9999% of all women, proving again that neither us nor you all are any good at making choices. We would also like to point out that we like boobies.
b15. on first date, asks “Why do you Like me?”
b26. 30+, only associates with buddies from College/Peace Corps
b36. always talking about what “real men” do
b45. not on the pill
b47. can’t dance
ha, so fucking true!
@ ANONYMOUS MEN: i want you inside me.
@ Jason: if we go a day without washing out hair is stinks? liks how bad? I'm an every other day person as far as showering and washing my hair, unless i've been working out or outside more than usual.
owns/wears mandals. UGH SO FACTUAL. I hate mandals.
I think the anonymous men list is pretty good, except walks and smokes...this I have never seen/heard/thought of before in my life as a turn off or warning to heed...but then again I'm not a man?
Being better at lists and hesitant to be defined, the AMs have decided to add a couple:
b101. thinks porn is degrading
b102. refuses to give blow job in car
b103. visible panty lines
b103. wears open backed shirts with bra
b104. cannot walk in heels yet insists on wearing them
b105. thinks sex with lights on or doggy style is "kinky" and has no other kinks
b106. Is not spontaneous and must always plan/always has plans.
RE: whistling and smoking/walking, AM suggest that the women do a bit of searching via Google's search engine.
Cale feels left out for not being on the anonymous men mail list.
Dang, AM. Like, pretty much all of those are pretty good. Except for the "Studies" bit. But since I haven't "b67"'ed in years, I think I can cancel that out. Right?
if you have a list of 100 reasons not to date someone, you deserve to be single
Re: 98
any man who disagrees with this statement should try to give himself a bj without washing his balls for a couple days and then see how he feels about not showering everyday.
re: b98. if you demand i blog about you and don't take no for an answer, then be prepared for a blog discussion on how your sexual performance is sub-par.
re: b102- any many who doesn't fear having to stop short in a car while a woman's teeth are in close proximity to his dick is a very brave and stupid man.
-tells you she's bat shit crazy from the beginning
-is "seperated" and hasn't finalized the divorce
-drives a truck
-tells you she wants to do peoples makeup for a living...really shooting for the stars huh?
-has an ugly fat ass mom
-has as the same size or bigger hands than you do
that's all I got for now...
Patrick, you wanted a list of what things guys have done/should do:
1. buy me flowers - just not carnations
2. hold the door open
3. insist on picking up the bill (before the girl has a chance to pick it up)
4. late night walks around empty parks and gardens (always romantic)
5. kisses in the rain - iknowiknow, so cliche, but i'm a sucker for this sort of thing
6. asks for your/my opinion on everything he's wearing/owns
7. looks good in a tie and is willing to wear one often
8. notices the difference between me with and without makup - and doesn't have a preference
9. noticed when i've changed my hair
10. watches and and all romantic drama/comedies
11. has seen me cry and still thinks i'm pretty
12. has heard me cry and can understand what i'm saying
13. is okay with the fact that i know all the words to and have 'little black back pack' by stroke 9 on my ipod
14. likes dancing with me
15. doesn't make me explain why i believe things or feel a certain way - sometimes things just can't be explained
16. calls me to hear my voice
17. leaves me messages if i don't answer the phone
18. asks how my day was enen though his was way worse
19. knows what my favorite drink is and always has it handy
20. buys me flowers (i know that's on here twice, but seriously, just buy me flowers or a flower - gerber daisy, rose, sunflower - it's not hard or very expensive, some girls may not want flowers - i do not understand those girls)
Run Bastard, Run
b101. any girl that makes a list like Amanda
Bravo Anonymous Men! That list is on the money.
"b91. goes to the drum circle at Meridian Hill.
b92. is a member of a Capoiera group."
L-to the motherfuckin'-OL.
I'd like to add to this list because I think its more important than the list of things to stay away from:
21.) Doesn't constantly tell me that "it will get better"
22.) Strokes my hair to help me fall asleep
23.) Is okay with me falling asleep in the middle of movies
24.) Trusts me enough to be okay with my guy friends
25.) Volunteers to help fix things
26.) Doesn't always want to hang out with his friends
27.) Comes up with things for us to do
28.) Puts his hand on my back when we walk through a room
29.) Doesn't care that I'm 2 inches taller in heels-- does not find this emasculating
30.) Takes me to the ballet/theatre/anything "girly" and cultural
31.) Watches SATC with me when I'm sick
32.) Hangs out with me when I'm sick
33.) Doesn't tell me to relax/calm down/ de-stress
34.) Forcefully, tells me I'm am ______________ (anything positive I forget)
35.) Tells me he loves me when it seems like i need to hear it
36.) Calls me/texts me/ writes me cards
37.) Notices when I dress up and comments on it
38.) Surprise anything
39.) Should be a great dresser and know it in a simple understated way.
40. ) Hugs/holds/kisses me all the time
where are the other ladies' lists?
cale - there are guys that do those things, willingly.
comment delay. doh!
41. always responds to my texts
42. calls when they say they will (don't say you're going to call me back and then don't do it)
43. always up front and honest about their feelings
44. happy spending all sunday laying in bed with me.
45. impulsively picks me up while we're walking home
46. loves holding my hand
47. doesn't mind my over the top cuddliness
48. comes up with cute nicknames for me
49. likes my friends
50. listens to me ramble and is actually interested in what I have to say
51. always asks how my day was and genuinely wants to know what's going on in my life.
52. thoughtful...surprising me with a cool t-shirt, or my favorite candy (gummi bears) little things go a long way.
53. loves giving backrubs
54. tells me i'm beautiful
55. doesn't care that i talk through movies
56. will sing with me
57. gets my sense of humor
58. has personal style
59. always remembers to call/text me to make sure I get home ok
60. nice to oscar the best pomeranian ever albeit a bit smelly at times, not very smart, and slightly balding
flowers as a gift are lame. so many times one receives flowers in their lifetime until it loses all signifcance. simply a half ass gesture to win someone over. plus, they die after a few days. being sweet is always encouraged, but there's a big difference b/n being sweet, and being a total fucking milktoast. so, humor a girl. best way to their heart.
Lauren - 55. = FAIL.
amy v. What if the flowers were dandilions, and they were grown on a deceased grandparents' grave and then the dandilion leaves were served in a salad?
Mary - 23.) Is okay with me falling asleep in the middle of movies = FAIL
i agree with most of what mary and lauren said, but i also agree with michael. i hate it when people talk through movies.
and amy, to each their own. this is why you are dating cale and i am not (that's not the only reason, but still). fresh flowers are one of my all time favorite things. they never get old, and i'm okay with the fact that they die, though i can keep a bouquet alive for a good two weeks.
61. supportive of your plans, knows your potential and thinks that you can do better
62. honest alwaysalwaysalways
63. knows when he's fucked up and apologizes
i think it depends on where you are watching the movie. i always fall asleep if i'm watching anything while laying down.
i actually like dandilion greens.
i admit that i am definitely not the girl to take to the movies...i can't help it, i always ask questions. for some reason i feel like the person i'm with magically knows more about the plot than i do.
I feel that Edible Arrangements pretty much killed the bouquet.
We talked it over and decided that your suggestions are fine after 1 year of dating but before that if we tried any of these you'd rightly dump us for being a giant pussy. Until then we're going to continue to play the constant game of Who Gives A Shit that drives you crazy with over-analytic passion.
Here's our list of what women can do to make us happy:
b1. Do no harm
b2. Lots of sex
The End.
Amanda and Cale, sitting in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
would be married but for Amy V.
i like edible arrangements, but i would rather have fresh flowers. you can find better quality chocolate and fruit than what you'd get in an edible arrangement elsewhere.
@lauren - I'm sorry, it's over between us.
Wow! Edible Arrangements...That would be my ideal gift! I don't love cut flowers that much either Amy.
Talking through movies doesnt bother me because i just refuse to respond. Good luck getting anything from me Lauren!
@Amanda - not true, it's very high quality. Your ex must have made his own with half price Giant fruit and tricked you.
i have never had an ex buy me one (they know i prefer real flowers), but we used to have clients send them to us where i used to work. and i thought that they tasted like they were from giant, not great, but not gross either. and they're only good if they are the chocolate covered ones.
i would rather go down to whole foods and buy a carton of strawberries and melt my own chocolate.
64.) doesn't care if i talk about poop
65.) enjoys scotch as much as i do
66.) loves to eat good food
67.) loves to make out
@cale how will i go on...now who will i duet this song with?!
I forgot how totally awesome that song is. Thank you. We can get back together now.
amanda, dead or alive...faux, whatever. flowers...just say no.
I also bet your exes nor currents haven't done anything remotely as beautiful as my bf did: held me tight while showing me the milky way at the grand canyon w/ nothing but the gentle of winds and silence in surroundings.
dee - girls don't poop so how would you know what you're talking about?
can we gently guide this comment thread back to the shit-show that it was before people started talking about flowers and romance? jesus christ.
michael, girls don't poop. but they occasionally change diapers.
-kisses my neck.
-understands if i don't feel like talking.
-puts lotion on my back.
-carries my bags at the farmers market.
-likes my dog. he's a great dog.
-has integrity.
-is kind to people and animals.
-wants to make something of himself.
-has good hygiene.
-understands when i need my space.
i could probably keep going. we all have likes and dislikes. values. interests. pet peeves. but what it comes down to is -chemistry.
when you can't help but want to be next to that person.
it either exists between two people or it doesn't.
if it does...then it's magic.
dee: Let's make babies.
amy, i've had similar experiences, but i've never been to the grand canyon.
i'm not giving up on flowers, people.
68. thinks farting is as funny as i do and rates my burps
@ jeff
shit shows are lame
it's spelled milquetoast you vapid troll
@simone: well-said.
@ mary: love 28. putting his hand on your back as you walk through a room. and when they walk between you and traffic in crosswalks. and when they do both, hand on your back while walking between you and traffic. that's a keeper. until he totally fucks it up, anyway. keepin' it real!
frenchified, you stupid fuck.
There's a difference between the meal and the cartoon character after which the character trait was named you ignorant spinster.
hey L-bot, "spinster"??? are you pulling words out from your cauliflowered asshole?? you clearly DO NOT know me!!! spinster!! hahaa.
i'm gonna go ahead and say lol now even if it's on the chick list...
funny that L-bot picked that one little thing out from several posts ago and is the one calling someone else a troll.
and i'd like to add:
b108. is prone to give the silent treatment instead of actually saying what is bothering her
eddie, have you ever met a woman who would actually tell you what is bothering them vs giving the silent treatment?
P
and BTW, they shouldn't have to tell you. j/k
@eddie: the silent treatment can be a way to, inter alia, sort out thoughts, avoid excessive cursing/displays of mutual disrespect, and not to be mean, but she seriously might not want to talk to you.
i just spoke to the PR rep for anonymous men and have been informed that the last AM post was not authorized by all members. investigation underway...
chad and cynthia, both fine points. and that one should be saved for a longer term relationship gripe, anyway.
i'm not gonna lie, i have done the silent thing before, and i do it for all the reasons that cynthia listed. i usually send an email or write a letter. if i'm mad enough to keep my mouth shut it's usually a pretty big fucking deal.
not since the great byt fashion debate of '08, have i been this entertained.
somehow i find it hard to believe that you are *ever* silent, amanda. OOOHH!!
just kidding. off to work. pesky job...
Cynthia - one more post and you're going to have to flash your boobs. It's in the rules.
P.S. Guys are fine with chicks being silent. In fact if they want to do the silent thing 24/7 except for dirty talk then that's A-ok as well.
I know this law professor, right? Word is...he's on the short list of right-leaning justices for Supreme Court nomination. His name is Viet Dinh. He is from Vietnam. He'll be the first Asian American appointed to the bench.
My point is... this man is brilliant. All it takes is one encounter with him and you realize why America couldn't win Vietnam. It's because the Vietnamese are smarter than us, more intense than us, and they are just a liiiiittle bit crazy.
Long story, short. I'm Vietnam. Game over.
69.) believes that babies signify the end of life as we know it.
Cynthia - I'm Vietnam except with a big penis.
I have given a lot of leeway to a lot of men who qualify as points on the list.....but here are some of my own:
-He CRIES on the phone when you have to postpone your SECOND date because you have a fever.
-He makes you a mix cd.....5 CDs long.....after said second date.
Also, to Patrick, you are digging yourself quite a hole with the whole in a band thing and being into I can haz cheeseburger.
and to ¨The Dude¨, Not being on the pill is a dealbreaker? Really? Do you know how expensive that stuff is you fool? Maybe if you´d like to chip in.
Charmed, Michael. Absolutely charmed.
ginger, it's called health coverage. look into it.
as low as $10 for generic. not like it's norplant or something.
In my book, not being on the pill is a dealbreaker in long term relationships only. And yes birth control pills are expensive. For my past three long-term girlfriends, I've split the cost with them. I always considered that more than a fair deal since most girls usually experience negative side effects.
Dear Ginger,
The pill is $10. Get insurance. Take the damn thing. Dont get pregnant. Have fun sex. Simple.
Sincerely,
Mary
I'm with Ginger on this one.
The pill has been dangerously over-prescribed by doctors. Warning: Guys probably want to STOP reading here.
It's my personal (and humble) opinion that it should be reserved for those who have heavy periods for irregularly long lengths of time and/or suffer from painful cramping. For healthy women, generally, I think it's a bad idea. But in the end, it's a personal choice. Personal, very personal choice. What's best for me isn't best for you. What's best for you isn't best for me...
http://women.webmd.com/features/below-belt-gynecology-secrets-you-need-know
but if you're not on the pill how are you going to enjoy creampies?
dee, really? i love babies, i just don't want my own for a veryveryvery long time.
what about stds? if the guy doesn't have a condom he obviously doesn't want to fuck me that badly.
i agree with cynthia. but i think IUD's should be more widely available, but that's probably a whole other thread.
@Cynthia: putting his hand on your back as you walk through a room. and when they walk between you and traffic in crosswalks. and when they do both, hand on your back while walking between you and traffic. Why is this a good thing...as a woman am I too stupid to figure out how NOT to fall into traffic?
Whatever number we are on for the good things): Cut the bullshit Do nice things only because you feel moved at the time to do so. All that is important is that you make it clear to me that I am the woman you want to be with whether or not you open doors for me, buys me flowers or shield me from cars or do any other "chivalrous" act.
If i know this then you have me.
This is my list...
@In General: You are definitely not too stupid to figure out how not to fall in traffic. I, on the other hand, might be. I'm not saying that at all, though.
Last time this happened, I thought it was pretty awesome. And it's not so much about my falling into traffic. It's more about traffic hitting me or I guess hitting both of us, but mostly him. I think it's kind of sweet.
In General - if a guy doesn't put his hand on your back in crowded rooms, or walk on the outside of the sidewalk then he is a douche. You may not recognize this and therefore end up with a douche who will exhibit his doucheness in other ways and it will be your own fault for not recognizing him as a douche because you felt it insulting he tried to open a door you are completely capable of doing.
Girls - hey. We get it. We know you can open doors, we know you can walk through a room, we realize that you can do a lot of things but guys like doing these things, not to make you feel inferior or helpless but because we like feeling helpful, even with some silly shit.
But fail to reach over and unlock the door after being let into the car and you're going to be opening doors by yourself for a long time - untill you come across that douche who doesn't do these things. Repeat.
I have dated a lot, I mean....a lot......lol
All I'm saying that is in my experience men who are so focused on doing the little things correctly lose sight of how to do the big picture. Maybe one day I can have my Edible Arrangement and eat it too....
Our generation is fukt. Self-absorption to the maximum. Enjoy a lifetime of unhappiness.
This just gave me a brilliant idea. I'm going to invent an elliptical machine that moves! You do your bit, and then your bit gets translated into actual movement down an actual road!
i take loestrin for birth control and that shit is $40 a month with insurance.
just sayin
number 20 is spot on. every guy , rather than admit to any failures in character denies denies denies any wrong doing with this one. That bitch is crazy. yeah right. as britney said: I got your crazy.
Cynthia, never experienced any of yours except 109.
I WILL NEVER BE NICE TO YOU.
props to byt for compiling this.
esp telling tho, ladies are # 23 and #27 because he is basically telling you straight up
@lash: Lucky you. You should have vetted for McCain's campaign. For serious...
Reasons for number
73. philosophy/psychology major?
@eddie- b108 = Right back at you, boys.
You want overanalyzing? Easiest way= stay silent.
Quickest way to drive a woman over the edge.
why? because we equate your silence with violent bitter hatred.
-
@ at you ladies - i love flowers. but...there are other romantice gestures that compare too. the biggest thing is - is he doing something that clearly spells out how much he likes you? because isnt that the point, really? If I sense that you like me, i'm a happy girl.
@sam- ironic hipster super-emo requirement seems to be 73. what can i say? it leads to the guy who can always argue his way out of being wrong no matter how much of an asshole he was. and he knows it.
@Amanda
Gotta love you for saying this.
what about stds? if the guy doesn’t have a condom he obviously doesn’t want to fuck me that badly.
so true.
Libby, you're the best thing here at BYT!! I can't stop laughing at all these!! LOL! Love this post.
Can you explain #9, please? Anyway, my advice would be don't date Brits and French guys that pride themselves on their accents! They are cowards!!
I have too many good ones (these are all from college so you don't know any of the dudes):
- is afraid of his ejaculate and must shower directly after sex
- is afraid of umbrellas (they might poke him in the eye)
- is concerned about his sexual performance and talks about it on the first date.
- always talks about how you are too good for him.
- wrote a screenplay devoted to Natalie Portman while riding on a cross-country train. Talks about it incessantly when you'd rather hear about the episode of Gilmore Girls he claims to be writing for the WB.
- his last girlfriend was 14
- get’s arrested for carrying a concealed weapon (this happened with two different guys which is strange because I usually date gay men)
- meets your mom and then independently starts writing her letters that he won't let you read.
ok, birth control pills are not some innocuous sugar pills, they are hormones powerful enough to derail your entire fertility cycle. I'm all for birth control pills for those who tolerate it well, but that shit ain't harmless and not all ladies respond well to it, aka depression, mood swings, fatigue, 24/7 nausea. So let's not assume that any chick not on bc is baby crazy or lazy.