Brightest Young Things

After a long hiatus, we're back in Top Chef/BYT HQ, awaiting what the near constant Bravo TV ads have described as a "game changing" episode. I've already been put on notice by my editrix—she expects nothing less than a full-blown tearfest. They certainly seem to be setting this episode up for some emotion, as Toby Young, baby bear to Tom's papa bear in the baldness department, seems ready to really crack the whip.

But first the show opens with a completely bullshit Quickfire. The conceit is: make a dessert that is sweet without using sugar. Of course, they don't take the honey out of the kitchen, or the agave nectar, or the molasses, or the chocolate (you see where this is going) so its not like you couldn't find any way to make anything sweet. The final indignity of the whole concept is that the challenge is a "Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire," and we have to look at that atrocity of a soda throughout the whole scene, and some people even incorporate it into their dishes. Never mind the fact that it's "decadent" taste comes from carcinogens, or that David Letterman called it "liquid manure."

One benefit: guest Chef Jean-Christophe Novelli is French, and so we got a nice little accent-off between him and Fabio, with Fabio blaming his loss on the recent Italian victory over the French in the World Cup. Rhadika wins for her Challah bread pudding, receiving a crucial immunity—as you might have heard in the ads, Toby's serving up a DOUBLE ELIMINATION this week.

In this week's elimination, the chefs have the opportunity to cook anything they like; they're also split into two groups and given the chance to judge their food in a blind taste test. One would have thought that would have led to significantly more cattiness than was actually shown—of course, Stefan and Jaime, the bitchiest of the candidates, tried to bring it, but most of the comments seemed pretty nice.

But back to the kitchen, where Jaime fires up another one of her endless scallop preparations. "This is Top Chef, not Top Scallop!"-Fabio.

And can Jeff just take a breath and not cook eight different dishes at once? The man just has cooking ADD, and he has yet to realize that it doesn't generally score well with the judges. Though he clearly has skill, as his avocado sorbet earned raves from Toby (one of the few dishes that did).

BTW—Toby is desperately trying to catchphrase himself into America's heart. Between "bland leading the bland," "tastes like cat food," and his long, convoluted analogies to British character actors and Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, the flop sweat was rapidly beading on his bald brow.

At Judge's Table, however, things really seem to work themselves out right; the people who should have gone home went home, which doesn't always happen on this show. Usually you have one person who is constantly showing up in eliminations and clearly doesn't have the chops—cough Lisa cough—who nonetheless lasts about five episodes longer than they deserve.

This elimination, however, clearly cut the bottom two: "wildly inventive" Eugene, who could quite overcome the fact that all of his food was disgusting and cooked badly (see his "swimming" overcooked fried snapper and hot radish pasta, mmmm!), and timid Melissa, who was always waiting for the best chance to showcase her creativity, which may or may not have existed.

With that, the two on the bottom now seem to be Jeff and Carla, who both know how to cook, and also both know how to get in their own way. So it really comes down to who's going to sabotage themselves first, then stare blankly (or googly-eyed, in Carla's case) while the judges eviscerate them for something every viewer saw coming a mile away.

Oh, and Jaime won for her scallop presentation (fifth attempt). I guess if you always make the same dish, and then whine constantly about how close you are to winning, the judges will eventually notice!

As for the expressed wish for a little crying, Melissa looked like she was going to crack, but held it together, leaving Richard as still the only true crier of this season. I am awaiting Carla's last interview though, where I think its possible that she could peck the cameraman to death.

So what did everyone think? And don't forget to come back next week, where we can watch Toby have sex with a wild boar! I couldn't be more excited.