Brightest Young Things

Hello everyone - I'm parked on my couch, glass of bourbon in hand, ready for another "supersized" Top Chef. Expect the quality of my one-liners to decline from "witty" to "barely comprehensible." Though witty might be a charitable start.

After last weeks supersized episode, and the teasers for next weeks supersized holiday special (with all the rejects from past seasons! how exciting!), I'm beginning to wonder if, like American waistlines, supersize is the new regular size for Top Chef. (That is a topical zinger, folks. It could be a long night.)

One benefit to having these 75 minute episodes is that you have a lot of time to throw out early episode red herrings. Ariane, Eugene, the "Euro duo" and Hosea all get show-opening segments, obviously setting themselves up for elimination. I'm betting on Eugene, who has that wonderful combination of cluelessness and barely concealed rage that always seems to really get the judges going.

The producers seem to have found the best reaction shot to emphasize the "drama" of any quickfire twist:

2. Play BA-bum sound effect.
3. Cut to Radhika's eyes bugging out and her jaw dropping.

The best part about this is that Radhika continuously has the look on her face of a deer standing on the highway, watching a semi truck barrel down on it. She'll look shocked for ANYTHING.

In this season of Big Guest Stars, this week's is Martha Stewart. While I like having someone who knows what TV is about - Martha managed to avoid the problems of less-experienced TV chefs, who stood, stony-faced as they tasted food - she really couldn't help but inject her Martha-ness into the whole proceedings. She had to slip in a couple of "good life" anecdotes: picking Chanterelles in the summer in California! Diving for scallops during a Maine winter! I half expected her to hand Ariane her prize, turn to the camera, and say, "It's a good thing."

BTW - Ariane. Don't call it a comeback, people! Obviously, the theme of this week's Quickfire - "cook a one-pot holiday meal" - is right up her, "simple food made simply" ouvre. And clearly, her competitors don't respect her for it (At one point, Jaime sniffs, "She just makes seasonal American.") But hey, three wins in the past five challenges don't lie. I can't remember ever watching this show, and having such dominant player early, who no one believes can take home the top prize.

So Martha puts up with these people for about one hour, then makes a break for the exits. On cue, the introduce the next gimmicky bullshit challenge: cater a holiday party, drawing on inspiration from the song "The 12 Days of Christmas." Fabio (who I don't care if he's crapping on plates, they CAN'T send him home) immediately recognizes how unfair this challenge this is: some people have six geese a-laying, some people have ten lords a-leaping. That's tough.

This ep continues the faux-seasonality started in the "Thanksgiving" episode - but this time, the chefs actually cater a "holiday" party. Now, I don't know when they shot this show, but I'm assuming early September; some other reviewers figured out that the Foo Fighters show was filmed in midsummer, so we're definitely waaay outside the "season of giving," as the hosts put it.

I'm not even going to touch the Big Twist this week, which was that somebody left the fridges open, ruining both Radhika's duck breast (eyes were at maximum bugging-out-ness) and Hosea's pork tenderloin. Thankfully, the Christmas spirit penetrated the kitchen (I've heard its always strongest a couple months before the holiday) and everyone pitched in to help them fix their dishes. In fact, they both made the top four, along with Jeff - who continued to do way too much with his plate, only this time it worked - and Stefan. The judges talk about everyone's food, and nobody really has anything nice to say. I know that using "meh" is overplayed, but what we had here is a situation that "meh" was born to describe. Hosea takes it home. Exciting stuff.

Funnily enough, the seeds of an Ariane backlash are laid at the elimination, as Tom notes that while deviled eggs are tasty, he just can't let someone win Top Chef on deviled eggs.

Perennial bottom-dwellers Melissa and Eugene end up at the bottom, along with perennial bridesmaid Jaime (who got to see what the flip side to always being thisclose to winning really is). The real focus of judges table this week, however, wasn't the discussion of any one chef's food, but a general trashing of the talent level of the entire season. Reading Michelle Bernstein's post-ep Q and A really puts things in perspective - that perspective being generally sucky. I think it's been pretty clear all that this group has not been putting out the best food we've ever seen.

Amazingly, Tom had a come-to-Jesus with the whole group - calling out Ariane once again, and Leah, who had the temerity to stand up for the group. The little meeting culminated in the announcement that no one is going home this. Tom cited a an overabundance of "holiday spirit," but really, I just don't think they could tell the good stuff from the bad.

One ray of light - it looks like they are giving the chefs the "cook the best meal of your life" challenge that they usually save for the finale, in a desperate attempt to separate the wheat from the chaff this season. Though, from the way they tease the show, that might not be anyone's saving grace.

Remember kiddies, its "Top Chef" not "Top Scallop."