Brightest Young Things

In honor of Emeril's appearance on Top Chef, I thought I would really kick this blog up a notch, and report live from Good Stuff Eatery, DC's one connection top Top Chef style reality cookery. BAM! (Unfortunately, Spike is in LA, doing something or other, so my brush with C-list chef celebrity will have to wait.) I just finished a "Vegetarians are People Too 'Shroom Burger" - breaking a general rule that I avoid food with cutsie-poo bullshit names, though it was tasty. A toasted marshmallow shake awaits. Let's get started!

I could see it being a lot of fun to watch Top Chef at Good Stuff on a regular basis; the sensation of a cheering crowd gives the cooking scenes a little bit of a sporting event feel. Of course, on a night where Carla suffers an incredibly disappointing, but still somewhat predictable, collapse, it can be tough. Let's just say there were a lot more sighs and gasps than cheers tonight. And by the end of the night I was so full of frozen custard and Old Bay-flavored mayo that I was struggling to muster any enthusiasm at all.

This episode really proved a microcosm of the season as a whole, I thought (with one big, bald, non-European exception): good food, but nothing particularly special, gimmicky "challenges," and manufactured-seeming interpersonal drama. Of course, if this really had reflected the overall season, Stefan would have won; instead we have Top Chef Hosea: the Fish Guy who Can't Cook Fish.

On to the episode itself: the first thing I notice is the final meal seems have shrunk in size; wasn't it always previously five courses, not three?

As always, the final three get a little help in the kitchen. Traditionally, they've brought back old contestants to help out, but since they already used that twist last week, this time they've brought back runners-up from the previous seasons: Casey from Season 3, Marcel from Season 1 and Richard from Season 4. Interestingly, even though the chefs have their choice of sous', things seem to work out pretty much exactly as they would if the producers had chosen the pairings: Carla with Casey, Hosea - Richard and Marcel - Stefan. I think Marcel - Stefan is clearly the most talented pairing, but also the most likely to explode, supernova style. Shockingly, even though all they did on their respective seasons was fight with their co-chefs, they seem to get along pretty well with each other.

Day of the final challenge, we find out why they limited the menu to three courses; each chef will have to create an appetizer using one of three traditional New Orleans meats: redfish, blue crab and alligator. Meats are chosen by Hosea after the chefs draw straws (actually, eat  traditional New Orleans King Cake, but whatever). Immediately Hosea is smiling ear to ear as he sticks Stefan with the alligator; much swearing, middle-finger raising, etc. ensues. Even Tom notices - "You really liked sticking it to Stefan," he says at judge's table.

But on to the meal itself, starting with pride of the Mid-Atlantic, Carla. We've always known that had trouble asserting herself in groups, but to get rolled by Casey? In what is likely the single most important meal of her life? And the most excruciating part was that everyone could see it coming; it was like a scene in a bad movie where the boat motor stalls, and the fishermen are pulled inexorably towards a giant waterfall. When everyone watching on teevee, from Spike's mom to the 14 year old kid playing Nintendo next to me are screaming, "Don't make a souffle, Carla," maybe that was a bad idea. Predictably, the souffle bubbles and can't be served, and the sous-vide beef is chewy and boring. Sorry Carla! Take comfort in the fact that you'll clearly be the fan favorite this season; even as you were producing a clearly inferior meal, 60% of people willing to text into Bravo during the show wanted you as Top Chef.

And so it came down to the two people who had been fueding all season - not that the "fued" in any way gave us a worthwhile storyline. As I mentioned above, I don't really understand Hosea: he works at a fish restaurant, and he talks about fish all the time, and yet, he's never at his strongest making fish dishes. Even in the finale, his appetizer, made with redfish, and his first course, a trio of sashimi, were his weakest dishes, while his strong close with venison is what likely won him the title.

Big cheer here when Hosea won the title, which I don't really understand. So you would rather have a cook who showed no range and spent his entire season whining about his competitors over someone who was a bit of a dickhead? Whatever. (And if we're really getting into it, isn't cheating on your girlfriend on national TV pretty shitty as well?) Of course, if you really want to wallow in Stefan's dickishness, watch his exit interview. While I'm sure that there are plenty of "Stefan's a nice guy" clips on the cutting room floor, but the guy is a dick. Though as always, there are other factors: wait for the end of the video, when they are trying to create the hottest possible woman out of the various parts of the contestants, and he suggests Jeff's "looks and hair." That's douchebaggery I can get behind.

Final thoughts: this was not my favorite season, to say the least. I think that the last two seasons have really struggled to balance charismatic personalities and good cooks. Last season, the contestants were all a little bland (not you, Spike! Don't poison my milkshake!), and this season, they really overcompensated - too much wackiness, too many gimmicks, too little actual interesting cooking. When I watch Top Chef, I don't think to myself, "This needs to be more like Tool Academy." Leave the crazy reality show stuff to the Real Housewives of Wherever.

So that's it - I'm sure BYT will find something for me to do, but there will be no more reality cooking discussion from me for eight months...unless something really crazy happens at the reunion show. Though it's gonna have to be "Leah and Hosea make out on air" level crazy. But a couple of questions to ponder in the long wait for next season:

• Where will they hold the next season of Top Chef? Austin? Portland? Overseas?
• What food cooking gimmick will Top Chef introduce to Middle America next year?
• Will Hosea ever run his own kitchen?
• Has anyone ever made a successful souffle, on Top Chef, at home, anywhere?