Brightest Young Things

Finally on Top Chef, an episode that does almost everything right—from interesting guest judges, inventive challenges, and real elimination drama. Even the chefs managed to pull five competent meals out of their asses this week. Shocking.

There was a moment there, however, when I thought Stefan was history. This season has been the "respect your protein" season, and overcooking something seems to be the quickest way into Tom's doghouse. But, thankfully, the show decided to reward merit—and not kick off the two most talented chefs in the two episodes leading up to the finale. Of course, this gave Stefan plenty of extra time for arrogance and condescension, like when he managed to pat Hosea's cheek in the Stew Room about fifteen times. So of course, he isn't even likeable, but what would the finale have been without him? Leah pouting and twirling her hair in her fingers? Crisis averted.

The show itself started out with molecular gastronomist Wylie Dufresne showing up and asking the chefs to cook him some eggs. They hyped this up saying that "cooking an egg properly is a test of a real chef," but since Wylie is such a scientist, nobody actually just cooked an egg; everyone went crazy with egg-white panna cottas and reverse-spherified mango "yolks." I guess the chefs forgot that this season has been about "respect" and "simple cooking," as Wylie rejects the various complicated creations to go with Carla's relatively simple green eggs and ham. It looked disgusting to me, but I don't own a restaurant, so what do I know?

For the elimination challenge, the producers bring out the big guns: Jacques Pepin, Lydia Bastianich, Marcus Samuelsson and Susan Ungaro, culinary giants all. The challenge was to cook them their "last meals" which seemed a little cutesy-poo bullshit to me, but I guess it helped to heap even more pressure on the already harried chefs. A couple of shots of Hosea's head caught a river of sweat pouring into his food, Howie-style. I hope you balanced out all that extra salt!

The chefs draw knives to see who gets which judge, and the pairings come off almost too perfect: Carla with fellow weirdo Jacques, who wants squab and fresh peas ("We're two peas in a pod!" she crows), Stefan and fellow Scandinavian Marcus, who wants salmon, potatoes and spinach ("There's no way I can screw this up," Stefan says, almost putting in the ultimate self-jinx), Hosea and seafood aficionado Susan, who wants shrimp scampi and tomatoes Provencal and Leah and Wylie. (Yeah, there's no real cosmic connection between the two of them—maybe they both have bad hair?)

So this time the chefs stick to largely simple preparations; only Hosea really tries to put his own spin on things, for which he is immediately shot down. This was where the Stefan related nail-biting started, though. Only his overcooked salmon and Leah's thinned-out Hollandaise receive unanimous criticism from the judges. While they always say that each meal is a completely blank slate, there's no way that Stefan's consistent excellence, and Leah's consistent Leah-ness didn't factor into the decision. Stefan stays, and Leah goes.

On the good side of things, Fabio takes the top spot with beautifully roasted chicken and potatoes, and an "airplane salad" which is forgiven because he mangled his hand in the kitchen and cooked with a cast on. Note to producers: in a food related show, it's always a good choice to show us a picture of a finger pointing in the opposite direction of all the rest on that hand. Appetizing.

The other big winner is Carla, who escapes a slightly overcooked squab breast with superb peas. I've been pumping up Carla for a couple weeks now in this space, and it looks like all my affection has finally paid off. Way to get to New Orleans, you crazy, frizzy-haired giant. Aaand we learned that she used to be a model before she became a chef! Feel free to stop talking about being a "dark horse" or a "tortoise," however.

For anyone who thought that Leah didn't deserve to go home, watch this. I can't believe that there are any Leah partisans out there, but the video at that link is just Leah's grating qualities compressed into five minutes of pure aggravation; it's like a lump of coal becoming a beautiful, annoying diamond.

This episode really belonged to Fabio, however. Not only did he survive injury, but he also laid out the single best run of quotes all season. In his honor, I'm leaving you all with another edition of "Fabio says the darndest things":

• After breaking his finger, and being asked if wants to go to the hospital: ''Hospital? I'll chop it off and sear it on the flat-top so it doesn't bleed anymore, and tomorrow, I will deal with nine finger.''
• "I got so many kick in my ass that sometime when I'm in the bathroom I still poop shoe out of my ass."
• After winning a magnum of wine: "It's gonna be gone in a couple of hour." In the same vein: "Let's drink to HELL."
• And finally, the single best sentence that has ever been uttered on Top Chef: "It's Top Chef, not Top Pussy." I couldn't agree more.

Well, the next episode takes us to New Orleans, where evidently Emeril Lagasse will be "BAM"-ing our contestants into submission. Will anyone take Fabio's advice and cook boldly? And was it just me, or did Carla dig up a flatiron and tame the mane?