Brightest Young Things

all words and photos: Chris Svetlik

There's no denying it - DC loves Obama. When such a man has a birthday, you gotta do it up right. What to get the man who has everything? A giant three-hour celebration with free burgers, fries, and shakes, a big watercolor Obama mural, and what I'm guessing is the largest Obama-themed cake ever built in history, all crammed into a burger joint, that's what.

Yesterday was Obama's 48th birthday, and Z-Burger in Tenleytown threw just such a birthday party to celebrate, to which the birthday boy was personally invited. In the event that the President actually did decide to roll over to Tenleytown to celebrate with the People, I thought it my journalistic duty show up, and show up early.

Incidentally, Z-Burger was also running a promotion in which at 11am when they open, the first 48 people in line would win 48 free burgers and 48 free shakes.

As an unemployed person, I quickly realized this could be a deliciously easy way to avoid grocery costs for like a month. I needed this. I was going to win those burgers and shakes. And maybe see Obama. What follows is a brief account of my experiences that fateful day.

5:30am: Alarm goes off. Confusion, muttering, vague anger. I hit snooze.

5:40am: Same.

5:50am: Wake up. Happy birthday, Obama! Pack some essentials.

6:20am: My partner in free-burger schemes, Max, rolls in tardy. We depart. The drive is full of eager anticipation. Who knows what we will find. Will Obama be there? Will 48 other jobless freeloaders like myself already be there?

6:30am: We arrive. Crisis averted - there's barely anyone here. A small group is seated sleepily in the outdoor patio. A guy who has clearly established himself as the ringleader (he was the first in line and has been sitting there since 1am) announces that Max and I are #17 and #18.

6:40am: Hunger sets in. Walk to McDonalds. Get the number 4 with OJ. Worst call ever. McDonalds breakfast is so bad. We see a businessman buying some classy McD's breakfast for his hooker from the previous night.

7:00am: Walk back to Z-Burger with a new pit of grease in my belly. Start playing the first of two chess games. Inside, the building of the Obama birthday cake commences - tables are set up in a formation that exudes structural integrity. Scores of sheet cakes are brought in. This cake is clearly serious business.

7:40am: Still not many people in line. Is the economy getting better? Do people actually have jobs to be getting ready for on a Tuesday morning? Those of us in line discuss the possibility of an Obama appearance; no one seems to know anything. Bill Clinton apparently ate at Z-Burger last week, so maybe there's hope. I poke my head inside the store to investigate. 'We hope he comes' is all they say. I check out the cake, which is getting bigger and more impressive. There is now a huge fruit island in the middle. An artist is also making major progress on a watercolor Obama mural.

7:50am: Naps.

8:30am: T-minus two and a half hours to opening. Some PR reps show up and tell us to get off the patio and snake our line around the building, apparently to attract attention to drivers-by. Maybe Obama will drive by, see us, and know something is up. We are awarded the official Z-Burger numbers 17 and 18 on cardstock. I'm keeping mine forever.

9:00am: The 48th person finally shows up. We're idiots for waking up so early.

9:05am: Naps, lazing, duding around.

9:45am: It's official. I have won the free burgers and shakes. People from a PR firm have us fill out forms documenting our right to the 48 meal vouchers. So official.

10:00am: Giant purple Jesus van rolls up. We're in good company now.

10:05am: Max makes the mistake of asking to use Z-Burger's bathroom and gets recruited instead for slave decorating labor. I go inside to laugh. The place is getting super decked out in all kinds of Obama decor. I speak with Whitney, the head PR person, asking her what she knows about the Obama situation. At first she said 'we sure hope he comes.' I press her further. Then she gets coy. 'We're really just not allowed to say.' Interesting...

10:30am: The cake is done. The mural is done. The rafters are more or less sated with Obama photos hanging from strings. Final touches: 8 or 10 sexy ladies in matching red shirts show up, apparently paid to stand around looking sexy. This PR firm has obviously pulled out all the stops.

11:00am: It's opening time, but the doors are still shut. Crowd is getting unruly. People want to go inside and eat free burgers. The line is getting insane.

11:05am: A man comes on the intercom. He has us all shout 'happy birthday President Obama' together, then the doors open. Pandemonium is breaking loose. Luckily I'm up front. They have me spin a wheel for prizes and I win 10 shakes! It's really pointless though because everything at the register is free anyway. I get a cheeseburger with everything, fries, and a Bananas Foster shake. Epic. Sit down and eat.

11:35am: We sit back and watch the mayhem. The atmosphere of scary Black Friday-like fervor, plus the fact that I'm only being powered right now by a few hours sleep and two fast-food meals cause me to retreat like a coward. I survey the situation outside. No Secret Service snipers on adjacent roofs. An iPhone search turns up the President's birthday plans: several meetings plus a private luncheon. Sigh. It's looking doubtful and I'm exhausted. I speak with the coy PR lady and she promises to call me if Obama shows. We head out.

1:00pm: From home, visit twitter.com for the first time to search "z-burger obama." No promising results.

2:00pm: Event should officially be over by now, and it doesn't look like Obama showed. Oh well. On the other hand, I now have 48 free burgers and shakes at my disposal, redeemable anytime in the next year. Incidentally, the food is pretty good, especially the shakes.

Byt burger party?

Previously in I Heart DC:

• 2/9: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
• 2/8: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
• 2/8: Perfect Date Outfits + Outings
• 2/7: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
• 2/6: DC News You Can Maybe Use:
• 2/2: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
• 2/1: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
• 1/31: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
• 1/30: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
• 1/30: Capital City Diner: Up All Night