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all photos: Garai Rice
all words: Jeff Jetton

Welcome to the second edition of Warren Brown’s LoveBYTes column for brightestyoungthings.  Warren’s monthly column has been a little bit less than monthly because, well, he’s really damn busy.  He has like six or seven stores, he’s filming commercials, writing new books and pretty much just being awesome, which is like a full-time job in and of itself.  Warren’s back at BYT, though, and he’s aiming to make this more of a regular column. (if you want to read the previous edition: click here-ed)

This month we asked Warren to give us some tips on how to impress a date by making him/her a home-cooked meal and maybe share a story or two about dating.

For a guy who spends all day making cakes, dude knows a hell of a lot about seafood.  Warren’s pretty much an expert on what, where and how to buy when it comes to fish.  When I suggested he make something for his second column, he suggested seafood.  I said we could get everything at Whole Foods and he countered that we might as well make our way down to the Southwest Seafood Market.

We wandered around for a while on a search for some fresh trout, but couldn’t find exactly what we were looking for, so we just went on a hunt for free samples.

Jimmy’s Grill was sampling a selection of cakes out in front of their shop.  Warren walked by once and gave them the stare down.  Suddenly everything got quiet.  You could hear a pin drop.  It was like something out of an old Western.  Cue the music from the Good, The Bad and the Ugly.  He didn’t say it, but you could tell by the look on Warren’s face that he was thinking: “this here town aint big enough for the both of us.”

We circled back around and Warren went in for the kill.  Bystanders stood and watched.  Tasting rival cakes with Mr. Cakelove.  What more could one ask for?

We kind of thought he was going to start overturning tables like Jesus in the synagogue.  Instead he just loaded up on samples like an eight year old at Trader Joe’s.  There were five different cakes and Warren tried them all.

The man knows his cakes.  He was grading the cakes based on all sorts of criteria.  Fluffiness, sweetness, etc.  Needless to say, Cakelove is in no danger of succumbing to Jimmy’s anytime soon.

I’m sure he would have stayed down at the cake shack all day had we not dragged him away to check out the crab bushels.  Live crabs.  Awaiting their deaths.

We bought some fish and took it into the fishmonger to get it ‘prepared’ or ‘cleaned’ or whatever you want to call it.  There were no cameras allowed inside the cleaning station.  Here’s why:

These guys are amazing at what they do.  Literally they grab your fish, slice it once from head to tail across the belly and with a singular motion they yank the entire head and skeleton out of the fish.  Trust me, fish have nightmares about these dudes.  Next, they have what looks like an electric lint-roller with a cheese grater where the sticky paper should be, which they use to de-scale the fish.  Scales fly everywhere and it sounds like a dentist’s drill.  It’s gross, but effective:

We left the market with a fish de-scaled and our appetites sizably reduced by cake samples and a heavy dose of fish-prep reality.

In true BYT fashion, we didn’t really have a kitchen to cook in until the morning of the shoot.  Several people had offered to let us use theirs, but for various reasons those plans fell through.  Luckily someone suggested we give Noah Raizman a call.  Noah happened to be at home watching Rocky movies and invited us over to what Warren described as the best kitchen in DC.

I’ll let Warren take it from here, he’s going to show you how to make a quick meal that should quite impress your date.  Assuming she’s not allergic to seafood.  Unless you also know CPR and have an Epi Pen in your freezer.  Then you’re marriage material.  Take it away, Warren:

Warren Brown’s pan-broiled trout with sautéed vegetables

I love the idea of stuffed anything but whole fish are a little tough to stuff and serve elegantly. So I opted to do an open faced stuffing version of trout with vegetables. The key is the dice, the chop and the slice.  Make things small enough so they’ll cook at about the same or similar rates. Even though the zuke are chopped larger than the onions are diced, they’re just about all water so they cook quickly.

Trout  – with the head on
Zuke - 2 medium size
Yellow Onion – 1 medium size
Shrooms – Crimini, about half pound
Garlic - (if desired) couple of cloves, minced
Extra Virgin Olive Oil - as needed, use to taste and to prevent burning.
Kosher Salt - to taste or as directed

Heat large skillet over medium flame.
Add olive oil, sprinkle in kosher or sea salt.
Add diced onion, cubed zuke, thinly sliced shrooms (any kind) to skillet. Turn on fan!
Watch heat and don’t scorch anything, toss as needed but try not to disturb. Lower heat if necessary. Remove veggies to side bowl or plate when halfway cooked, only about 3-4 minutes.
Add oil (1-2 tablespoons) to the pan and sprinkle with more salt. Place fish skin side down.

Cook over medium heat until the edges of the fish turn white, then toss in a bit of white wine (¼ to ½ cup) and watch it simmer for a sec. Next scoop veggies onto the fish and place the uncovered pan in a 375°F preheated oven. Broil for about 7 minutes and remove from the oven. The eyeballs will look like a gross horror movie, that’s a good hint it’s cooked thoroughly.

Accompanying Pasta
I like to cook pasta in a small amount of water—because it’s faster, saves energy and water, and the concentrated flavors from the starch, salt and olive oil actually penetrate the pasta.

Cappellini nests: bring 6 to 8 cups of cold water to a boil over high heat. Add salt and olive oil to taste. I didn?t measure, but probably 1 tablespoon of salt and 2 to 3 tablespoons of oil. Drop the nests into the water and gently stir the water to submerge each nest. Scoop nests out of the water after 4 minutes with a slotted spoon and rest over a colander to drain. Place on a plate and add a little butter or a squirt of olive oil.

BYT: How did you meet your wife?

Warren: The deal was, she came into Cake Love right before Thanksgiving in, I think it was 2005.  She was looking for samples and we didn’t have any out.

BYT:  Free samples?

Warren:  Yeah, free samples, and she just kind of came in, looked around and headed on out.  And I was like can I help you is there anything I can get for you, and she didn’t say a word at all.  Just walked out.  So she leaves and a couple of weeks later I went into LoveCafe and someone was sitting right next to one of my colleagues who was in there having coffee, surfing the internet, stuff like that.  And I was talking to my colleague and then I just realized there was someone sitting there that I’d never seen before and I look at her and she looks at me and we just stare.  For the same amount of time.  Not like, you know, no frowning or anything, we just stare at each other.   So we both stared and stared and then looked away right at the same time.  So then I was totally interested in who she was and what she was about and I made it my business to sit down and talk about whatever.  And we just hit it off.  Started texting.

BYT: Texting?

Warren:  That was when I first started texting.  You know how it is you can flirt over text vs flirt over email a lot easier?  That’s how it was, we started flirting.

BYT: Where was your first date?

Warren:  It was Chi Cha lounge.  She came into Love Cafe and I wanted to show her a bit of the neighborhood.  We went over there, and I was supposed to be working, but I bailed and we went over to Chi Cha lounge and had a couple of beers and talked.

No sooner had Warren regaled us with the story of love at first sight (or at least extended stare at first sight), than we heard a knock at the door.  Warren’s wife had decided to join us for lunch.  And since she was there, we figured we’d get her side of the story.

BYT: How’d you guys meet?

Pam Brown: At the cafe.

BYT: What happened?

PB: (Looks at Warren) Do you want to tell the story?

Warren:  I already did.

PB: Oh you already did?  And you’re just confirming facts? (laughs)  It’s like that game show!  Oh I think his story’s probably exactly the same.

BYT: Oh come on, tell us.

PB: Okay, I had just moved to DC, November of 2005, to Logan Circle a few blocks from here.  I was unemployed at the time and I needed to find a place where I could use the WiFi.  Someone had told me about U Street, said go check out U Street, and I was looking for a Yoga studio.  I was walking along U Street between 15th and 16th.  The first time I saw the bakery I was walking along and poked my head in, thinking it would be a cute little bakery.  Of course I walk in and its a hole in the wall with, like, industrial refrigerators and, you know, totally not a woman’s asthetic.  You know what I mean?  Clearly, not what I was expecting.  So I open the door and I look around and I’m like, clearly there’s nothing for me here and I turn around and I’m walking out the door and as I’m turning around…

BYT:  YOU WERE LOOKING FOR FREE SAMPLES!

PB: (Laughs)  I was!  And as I’m doing a 360, he was standing like right here and I didn’t even see him.  He was like ‘oh, can I help you?’ and I was like ‘nope, thanks’.

Warren:  You did not say a word.

PB:  Yes I did, I said ‘nope, nope’.  So anyways that’s the first time I met him, I just walked right out.  I went to the cafe across the street.  I think he might have said ‘oh, the cafe’s across the street.  That’s what you want.’  I go there and it so happens there’s a stack of City Papers sitting out by the counter and I saw his face on the cover of the City Paper and I’m like wait a minute this is the dude that I just ran into.  So I pick up the paper and I read it and the first thing that struck me was that it said he was a Brown Alum.  Well, I went to Brown so that kind of stuck with me.  So then maybe like two weeks later, I was still unemployed (laughs), still looking for a job, stuck in my apartment, so I went to the cafe because I knew there was free WiFi, and at some point in the afternoon he came in and was talking business with his colleague and so I hear this voice and at some point I look up and he looks down.  Our eyes locked.  And it was really one of those things where we just stared at each other.  There was no smiling, there was no winking, nothing.  There was just, staring.  And I remember thinking, you know, we’ve been staring at each other for a really, really long time.  And then we both looked away at the same time.  (Looks at Warren)  Yeah, and then you sat down because I guess you figured that we, uh, needed to chat.

Warren:  I did (grins).

PB:  And then he said something like ‘hi, I’m Warren Brown’ and I said ‘I know you’re on the cover of last week’s City Paper’.

Warren:  That is not it at all, that is NOT how it happened.

BYT:  You said something like ‘you might know me from the cover of the City Paper, I’m Warren Brown’

Warren:  No, I was being very helpful.  I was, like, let me know what you need, can I get you anything?

PB:  He was very suave.  We chatted and I mentioned that I went to Brown and he said ‘oh are you tapping the Brown network in DC because I can set you up with the email network, what’s your email? (laughs)

And now it’s time for a quick commercial break from our sponsors.  Okay, not really, this is Warren’s new commercial spot for American Express Open.  Check it out:

There you have it, fancy meal in under an hour and apparently some great tips on how to meet your perfect match (just stare really hard, no smiling, no flirting, just staring).

See you next month, where hopefully Warren will be bringing us his guide to food at your local County Fair.

In the mean time, check out the last LoveBYTes:

http://www.brightestyoungthings.com/food/lovebytes-with-warren-brown-of-cakelove/

http://www.openforum.com/idea-hub/topics/lifestyle/article/cardmember-profile-cakelove-american-express-open

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• Discussing Hot Topics: Not Your Average Slayer Interview (12)
• Dakota Fine and the Raiders of the Abandoned Insane Asylum (67)
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