In what is proving to be a week dedicated to both fashion and fast food, one of our new contributors, John (Foster, as now we have more than 1 John in our midst) of Sad Crocodile takes aim at a seemingly easy target. And it fights back
I often masquerade as a strong man. The truth however, is balled up in a smelly crumpled mess on the passenger side of my car. I feel wretched but I cannot pinpoint the source of the sourness that pervades my being. Is it the odor of spicy dead flesh wafting from the bag beside me or is it the sadness in the eyes that stare back in the rearview mirror? Despite the opinions of many around me, I elect to penalize the dead flesh.
It wouldn’t be entirely honest to say that my route home is designed to avoid the neon callout of the blazing sign in the distance trumpeting the pleasures of dead animals at discount prices. It WOULD be honest however to admit that nearly every time I drive by said sign, I find myself idling in the drive-thru line. Like a high maintenance pale blonde/red head at the end of the bar showing the last signs of summer via the freckles on her shoulder; Checkers places a siren call to draw me to it’s shore.
The very fact that we have a Checkers in Montgomery County has always served to disappoint me. We, as a county, took great pride in not having a “ghetto” burger establishment and fought vigorously to prevent the franchise from taking over a dead piece of parking lot on Shady Grove Road for years. That an Eastern Motors and their catchy jingle followed suit next door did little to convince us we had been wrong. In the end, they did not even “build” the restaurant. Checkers actually picked up an existing, operational unit and physically moved the hull and it’s fryers and grills overnight to this spot. Suddenly we were in Greenbelt.
Avoiding the shiny red and chrome burger peddler was pretty easy for well over a year. Sitting pondering life’s mysteries at a traffic light I found a little note from the heavens calling out to me. Checkers has banana milkshakes! I actually have a policy of not drinking calories, which I only break for alcohol (and milkshakes) so I figured the time for a little investigation might be in order.
This particular location has the friendliest staff of all time for fast food and they often seem to be having a party inside, offering knuckle bumps with your change. The spicy chicken tenders taste both of chicken and heat, which is more than I can say about the tenders in half the family restaurants in town. The Big Buford is “big” and well… “Buford” as advertised. The main appeal for me has become something more basic though: the economy of the place.
It is through that avenue that I find myself hustling home to let the dogs out and placate the rumbling in my belly in the shortest amount of time possible on the way. As I peer onward and see the Two Big Cheesers for five smackers I know my immediate destiny has been decided.
Now who needs one Big Cheesy… much less two? The answer truly is no one.
But for five dollars who can refuse? Admittedly, not I. The order lady is jovial, as she doesn’t bat an eye at my order of four patties smothered in six heaping glops of cheese. Maybe that should have been my first clue…
The burgers arrive warm and ready for action.
Checkers is more or less drive-thru only. The usual burger manages to seep out some ketchup or mustard as I try in vain to fold the foil in a way as to capture the juices while still eating every morsel in record time. This has resulted in such a pile of dry cleaning bills as to negate any savings brought on by the two-for-one sales. The Big Cheesy is a beast unto itself. Keeping the cheese from your clothing necessitates capturing as much as is possible in your beard or on your cheeks. Actually keeping it contained to the burger or the foil is entirely out of the question.
Checkers meat is far from the cream of the fast food crop. Wendy’s has the juiciest and most meat-like while McDonald’s has a nostalgic feel and taste. Usually the most prevalent taste here is the pepper (“hand-seasoned” as they call it) generously applied to dash the frozen carcass flavor. In this instance, it could be a Jimmy Choo sandal in there for all I care. There are three different kinds of cheese smothered all about (applied via ladle – not slice mind you) to carry the day. Unfortunately the promise of such a presentation remains unfulfilled. The cheeses get along about as well as neighboring Central American countries at a soccer tournament. The offender in this case is my main man pepper jack. It overwhelms everything it covers and it covers EVERYTHING – including me! Apparently the burger has pickles, red onions, ketchup and mustard on it but I couldn’t confirm that it contained anything other than the nastiest pepper jack cheese known to man.
I want to give the burger an honest appraisal, so I finish the entire thing in a few sloppy, stomach-churning gulps. The after taste is staggering. I try to wash it down with my room temperature Coke Zero but that only serves to circulate the cheese to areas of my mouth I didn’t know existed (and are pissed about being uncovered.) Soon I am suffering burning tightness in my belly and throat that seems like it will never pass. Then… much like a buzzed 16 year-old getting ready for his second Icehouse Light, I reach over and begin eating the other burger. I hate myself. I hate this burger.
God loves a cheerful giver.
I used to live 100 feet from the Checkers in Manassas. Sad, but true. Lucky for me, that marriage is long gone. But, I digress. I have found the best way to eat a Checkers meal is thus: Eat the burger(s) first. The peppery taste is divine, when served with bacon on top. Follow up with the fries. The spicies on the fries help cut that which the burger left. Lastly, don't go for a coke or other cola made with syrup. It's just like using water to get rid of a curry taste. There isn't a proper neutralizer for the acid. I would go with either a bananna or chocolate milkshake. Expensive, sure, but well worth it to wash the taste of the meal until the next time you venture there. Which will be much too often.
burgers or no burgers, Checkers makes the best fries ever.
quote me on that.
I've never had a Checkers. Not because I'm a MoCo elite who thinks that a burger chain will sully their lily-white Neiman-Marcus image by infecting with a ghetto burger chain, but because, hell, I don't know.
I don't really have anything to comment on the article itself. The MoCo elitism, with which I am quite familiar, just smacked me in the mouth first thing this morning so I did what I'm paid to do: Comment.
I never understood why or how MoCo got their elite status. It's just a bunch of minority-hating people that live in a shitty neighborhood. There were some decent grafitti artists from Bethesda, though, that I hung out with in the late 90's.
Michael - next time we are on H St, i'll get you a bag of checkers. It's right around the corner.
Back in Ohio, Checkers was known as Rally's - same color scheme, same kick-ass fries. But the fries are NOTHING comapred to Chic-Fil-A. Sweet Jesus, I need some right now.
As a burger fan, that is an image worth worshipping. But dare I say, the real thing never looks like that. Sadness.
First off - a banana shake cures everything (even elitism.) I was focused on the prize per se with the burger but no one can deny the tasty fries. On the MoCo elitism - it has been hard earned as the county is incredibly diverse culturally and economically and has worked for decades to hold on to both while gaining power and influence. I don't want to drag this away from burger talk but just travel a little and get some life experience and you will be amazed at what has been built here. I love sending my daughter to school where she is the only blonde with blue eyes in her class and they speak five languages amongst 25 kids and nobody's parents have the same job.
They fought putting a Checkers in PG forever too because of the same conotations. Do a little homework.
Speaking as someone who has lived (in both slums and nicer areas) in DC, Atlanta, Egypt, Puerto Rico, etc, what am I to be amazed at again? Other than the "power and influence", of course.
If you could just clarify a point, perhaps I could make my argument more pointed. What is "ghetto" about Checkers? Are you using it to describe the workers, clients, corporation, location, architecture, food, etc? Do you consider McDonalds or Wendys to be ghetto?
McDonalds fries and applepie. straight crack.
I sooo miss the old McDonald's apple pie back when they were deep-fried as opposed to baked. Too many lawsuits from burnt customers ruined it for the rest of us.
To clarify - there is nothing inherently "ghetto" about Checkers/Rallys as a franchise. They have traditionally made their footprint in an area through impoverished, crime-ridden neighborhoods in the inner urban ring before deciding to establish in the surrounding suburbs as a business plan. Basically the opposite of Whole Foods who you have to beg to come into the city at every turn. It works for them. Non-sit down establishments attract a transient customer base and are considered of limited appeal to developers in upper income areas. Do you know how bitter I am seeing all those TV ads for Sonic yet I can't get to one!!!! Same issue.
I am basically taking literary license and describing their business model and reputation with urban planners in simplistic terms. Don't get me wrong - I like Checkers. I am the kind of person who seeks out soul food greasy spoons on Kenilworth Avenue. Living next to one can be a different story.
McDonalds, by the way is a real estate company who happens to sell back burgers to their renters who in turn sell it to you. Worth reading up on!
Shit - I have written more in my comments than my original post - haha.
"McDonalds, by the way is a real estate company who happens to sell back burgers to their renters who in turn sell it to you. Worth reading up on!"
Someone has read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" it seems.
Your latest explanation seems to differ from when you stated that MoCo took great pride in fighting to keep Checkers from a lot on Shady Grove Road. Now you're stating that they develop inner urban rings before expanding to outer. If there is nothing "ghetto" about Checkers, then why would MoCo fight against having one unless the perception is it is a "inner city" franchise that would tarnish the perception MoCo wants to present in order to woo more upper income residents?
Make sense?
By the way (I know I know) I have not been to Egypt but I have been around the world and have been directly to Atlanta and Puerto Rico - ALL of those areas have one tenth of the cultural diversity we have here. They also have very segmented neighborhoods based on economics. I'm not saying it has worked perfectly but MoCo has tried harder than anywhere else (particularly in the 70s) to integrate soci-economic groups together.
Elitism is not a word I would have brought into the conversation, nor did I anticipate being an advocate for the area based on writing a burger review. However, I won't hide my love for living in a place where the hot chick on the metro with me really is from Sweden and my neighbors are a Honduran and Indian couple with Koreans on the other side and one of my favorite conversations of the last week was a friend blurted out when challenged with rough upbringings that she was born in eastern european country where they didn't even have diapers when she was a kid (true story - just dirty rags washed again and again.)
The true joy is that we can all come together and bite into a Big Cheeser and wish we had ordered the shake with that (no matter what "color" shake you like...
I am telling a story here but let me simplify in saying that having a Checkers (or Eastern Motors) within three miles of my house does not help my property values. If that smacks of elitism than so be it. To draw the line - I would be fine with a shelter for battered women in the same location (which would also negatively effect my property values) and putting the nearest Checkers in Laurel and I think that reflects the general opinion of the politicized portion of the county. It is not limousine liberalism as I would still put the shelter right by my home but there is a line where the benefit to others (cheap fast food as tasty as it might be) is outweighed by the negative effects.
I haven't read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad," and I am not sure what that is meant to imply. My Dad is an economics professor who has spent the bulk of his life helping immigrants become successful in their businesses despite little in the way of resources and the neglect of the banking system. My Step Dad did not graduate college and ran a blue collar business that created opportunites for other people lacking in formal education to have economic opportunities.
What they both instilled in me was a passion to read and gain knowledge. My own vocation would not apply to any of this conversation (even the burgers) directly.
McDonalds is a unique and brilliant business model. It is worth looking into how a franchise operates in comparison to say a Subway. Virtually two different businesses all together.
"Rich Dad, Poor Dad" touches on the McDonald's as property owner instead of McDonald's as hamburger seller is all I meant.
One of the things that has always struck me and bothered me about living in DC is this term:
"property values"
I never heard it until I came here. I guess that's because in the vast majority of the country you buy a house to live in it rather than buying it as an investment to sell later and buy another one.
Or it could be because I grew up in a three room house in the NGA mountains that was heated with a wood stove and had no A/C.
But it still irks me and I guess I can't wrap my head around the concept.
I do know that if I owned a house and some neighbor complained because I had a few motorcycles or old British cars in various states of repair in the driveway, or because I chose not to have the same mailbox as everyone else and someone complained about their "property value" I'd have to smack them in the mouth.
I will try to read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" but the cover design alone may make it extremely difficult for me.
People are not really meant to live on top of one another yet we do and we adapt to make it work. If you can't adapt or simply don't want to then you move to somewhere that suits your needs. I don't live in a subdivision specifically so I can paint my front door blue one day - which I did. Oh lord did it feel good.
Property, like any other investment, is based on someone wanting and valuing what you have. This is a super long conversation but needless to say my house has paid me (in cold hard cash) better than my job has the past three years. That is coming to an end so I had better get back to work.
Michael - come to our show at R+R on Sunday and we will chat some more - free t-shirt in it for ya!
At that checkers if you go through the right side drive through the guy who takes your order is a big black guy who kind of looks like e-40 and gives you a fist pound and screams YEAHH like little jon. no matter if you ask for one or not. hes the most ballin guy in moco.
The fist bump might be the best part of that drive through and it isn't exclusive to that fine gentleman. There is a young hispanic kid prone to the bump as well. That place has a great vibe for fast food (or any kind of food for that matter.)