every week, Teddy used to write a peanut butter centric column for us . They were some of the best things we ever ran, and included important topics such as:
- peanut butter and politics: what does peanut butter believe in?
- menu-worthiness of some of the pb&j items around the city
- peanut butter field trips
- peanut butter tips for the holidays and more
Follow this link to read them all but as part of BYT Food Month we're re-running
the most epic of them all: the avocado debate.
This week I hope to introduce everyone to something new, which just might be life-changing: the peanut butter and avocado sandwich.
What the fuck?!?!?!
I can hear you thinking it. I can see that skeptical grimace, that reel-back-in-disgust. I know; it sounds so wrong, but it is so very right. Believe me. This shit fucking works. I’m so confident that I not only intend to convince you through expository prose, but I will also prove, mathematically and beyond any logical doubt, that PB + A is, in fact, a good thing.
The avocado has always been one of my favorite vegetables (or is it a fruit? I think it’s definitely a fruit, but I’ve always thought of it as vegetable and will continue to do so, for old-times’ sake.) Either way, the avocado has a lot going for it: Rich in vitamins B, E, and K; with 60 percent more potassium than a banana, and an excellent source of disease-fighting antioxidants to boot, the avocado is a nutritional all-star.
It’s also extremely versatile. The chameleon of the produce world, an avocado can blend effortlessly into a diverse range of culinary environs. As the basis of guacamole, it provides the cement for the entire Tex-Mex edifice. It also plays a crucial role in sushi and a variety of vegetarian dishes as a meat substitute. In Brazil and several Southeast Asian countries, the avocado is considered a sweet fruit and appears regularly in milk shakes, ice cream, and other desserts.
Even its etymology is noteworthy: “avocado” comes from ahuacatl, the Aztec word for testicle, in reference to its shape.
But the first step towards accepting the peanut butter and avocado duo is to place the avocado in the fruit-dessert genre, as the Brazilians and Vietnamese do. Think of it, if you can, as a suitable substitute for the banana.
(In fact, the avocado is an excellent complement to the banana as well. Do yourself a favor and try a Bananocado sandwich, or a Bananocado smoothie; Bananocado milk shake works too(with a spoonful of PB? Why not?); diced Bananocados in yogurt drizzled with honey; just saying “Bananocado” whenever possible…the pleasures open to you once you accept the banana-avocado combination are endless)
But let’s get back to peanut butter. Now that your mind is hopefully more open to the possibility of the PB ‘n A, let’s engage in the following thought exercise. Everyone knows that two wrongs do not make a right.
We can express that truth symbolically, as follows:
( – ) + ( – ) ¹ ( + )
where the symbol “ – “ denotes “something wrong” and “+” denotes “something right”
Now, applying basic algebraic principles, we multiply each side of the equation by (-1), as follows:
-1 [( – ) + ( – )] ¹ -1 [(+)] Þ ( + ) + ( + ) ¹ ( – )
Translating the symbols back into English, we now have:
“something right” + “something right” cannot equal “something wrong”
-Peanut butter is something right (given)
-Avocado is something right (see above discussion of the avocado)
So, substituting “peanut butter” and “avocado” into the above statement, we arrive at the following:
Peanut butter + Avocado cannot equal “something wrong”
or, alternatively:
Peanut Butter + Avocado Equals Something Right.
Quad eram fuckin-A demonstratum.
Now that I’ve proven mathematically that PB + A is good, here are a few tips to ensure that you have the best possible sandwich-eating experience. Because as any economist knows, even the most air-tight theoretical model can encounter roadblocks when applied in real life.
Avocado QualityThis is a no-brainer and should go without saying really, but don’t even think about trying this with a sub-par avocado. That goes for guacamole, and any of the Bananocado permutations as well. A good avocado can be tough to scrounge up in the winter months; it needs to come from the Southern Hemisphere, preferably Chile, where they grow a shit-load of them. I find Safeway’s to have surprisingly solid produce, avocadoes included, but be willing to pay a little more.
Peanut Butter Choice: I am going to do something I generally try to avoid and unilaterally insist on chunky here, at least for first-timers. Chunky provides a nice textural counterpoint to the smoothness of avocado flesh that is lost with creamy. PB ‘n A w/ creamy is a little like an animal with no skeleton. It all tends to devolve into an amorphous mush that might stick to the top of your mouth.
What Kind of Bread? Sort of a trick question. You’re already doing something a little crazy here, so why not go for broke and mix it up when it comes to putting it all together? I find that this combo works particularly well in a tortilla or on a bagel. If you really want your mind blown, make that a cinnamon raisin bagel.
I stake my reputation on the worthiness of that unlikely sandwich.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Enjoy the rest of BYT FOOD Month and don't forget to get tickets to the DC central kitchen benefit SOUNDBITES THIS SUNDAY
God loves a cheerful giver.
My ex-girlfriend's grandma used to make her avocado cake. No shit. It was good.
1: Avocado is technically a berry.
2: Avocado, while good, doesn't belong anywhere near sushi, ever. Ever.
3: There is a fault in your equation. Chainsaws = good. My penis = good (ask anyone). Chainsaws + my penis = something bad. Danger Will Robinson!.
4: If you love Peanut Butter so much why don't you marry it?
my uncle makes the best peanut butter icing, i'll bet it would be great on that avacado cake.
and i know this is going to sound gross, but a peanut butter/mayonaise/banana sandwich is good too.
Michael,
Regarding your third point: I assume that a not-equal sign, ≠, could replace the super-scripted "1." If that's the case, then the first expression Teddy provided is not an equation. You could do anything to either side and it wouldn't matter.
I almost didn't bring this up because I love the juxtaposition of Latin with an f-bomb.
Micheal: I think you're just viewing the + symbol incorrectly--imagine your penis COMBINED with a chainsaw. Cf Tetsuo the Iron Man (1989). QEMFD.
Thanks Teddy for giving me the logical structure to defeat all those who disagree with my Fries-in-the-shake proselytizing.
This sounds like the absolute fattiest-but-in-a-good-way sandwich you could create.
For the stickiest sandwich imaginable I recommend peanut butter + honey.
For a rice crispy treat tasting sandwich, peanut butter + marshmallow.
I'd also like to state for the record that Sticky Rice's dragon sushi rolls, which are wound with avocado, are magical for us vegetarians. It's not on the menu, but ask and they'll know what's up.
ok, amanda. you just made me feel queezy right before lunch. at no time should mayonaise ever come near bananas or peanut butter. that's fucking gross.
pb+a... i don't know. it doesn't sound as bad as what amanda said, but strange. and squishy.
michael - you're wrong about sushi and avacado.
sorry, eddie, i've told you about my mom.
peanut butter and fluff (marshmellow goo) sandwiches are also delicious. and if you have the time i love "peanut butter buddies" - a vanilla wafer with a layer of peanut butter and then a marshmellow on top (it works better if you cut the marshmellow in half) and then stick them in the oven until the marshmellows are toasted. mmm...
eddie - sushi comes from Japan. Avocado does not. 'nuff said.
Amanda - you're almost correct. Mayo+Banana+bread = goodness. PB +Banana+bread= goodness. Mayo + PB + Bread = the vomit.
jason - is your ex girlfriend's grandma looking to date?
amanda - super fucking gross
teddy - will the near future bring us an expose on the proper construction of a PB&J? or is it plainly clear that you put jelly on one slice, clean the knife on the other piece of bread, peanut butter the other slice, assemble and cut diagonally?
teddy - i'm scared, but i'm going to do try it.
pedro - i cannot believe you just mentioned tetsuo iron man. holy shit. we are meeting this weekend, right? i feel like we are soul mates.
I knew you thought about my penis, Peter.
michael: it wouldn't be just pb&m, it would be pb&m&b. i haven't had one in a long time, but my mom used to pack them for lunch. but you're right, plain pb&b and m&b are both good.
dan, my grandma (product of the depression, probably) always lightly buttered the jelly side. once the jelly side has been taken caren of, then came the peanut butter. and the pb should be vigorously spread so it gets into the upper layers of the bread (which should be ever-so-lightly toasted), and then liquified pb drizzled on top. recommended bread: schmidt's potato wheat.
pedro - is it still tmesis if it's used in a acronym, or is there another word for that?
what about peanut butter and NUTELLA?????? mmm chocolate-hazelnutty goodnesss...when i lived in italy, i had to ration the nutella because it was so amazing and available at every store for 1 euro. they even had these huge gallon sized jars...(tho never bought one.)
michael - whatever. all i care about is that pedro gave me this latest installment into my lexicon: proselytizing
one day maybe i will proselytize you into being an unagi and avocado believer. it's the shit. but not with peanut butter.
Crunchy Peanut Butter + Strawberry Jelly + Banana + Honey = Win!
Rachel: Peanut butter + Nutella is Win! Win!
GENIUS
lightly peanut butter both insides of the bread slices so the jelly doesn't seep into the bread's pores and give you icky soggy bread. good for backpacking/cheap lunches at work.
pb&a = fat + fat sammich. 1 avo + 3 tbs pb is 59g of fat. thats 92% of your daily allowance in one meal. can this thing be fried?
Ok, lot to respond to here. First of all, yes that superscript "1" was supposed to be a "not equal" sign. So yes, I suppose that means the original expression is not technically an equation. Thanks for pointing that out, Professor Buzz Kill (aka Alan). However, that does not mean that you can do anything to either side and it won't matter. Consider the expression: 2 + 3 X= 6 ("X=" being the closest approximation to a not equal to sign I can find right now). If you add 2 to the left side of the expression and add 1 to the right side, you would get 2 + 3 + 2 X= 6 + 1, which is NOT true. So, in order to ensure that the non-equation still works, you need to be consistent and do the same thing to each side of the expression. How this impacts the deliciousness of peanut butter and avocado, I forget.
Moving on: Amanda brought up the possibility of combining peanut butter and mayonnaise, which presents the following culinary paradox: For me, mayonnaise is kind of an anti-peanut butter. Just as I always thought you could pretty much mix PB and anything, put it between bread, and produce a solid sandwich, mayonnaise has always been a universal sandwich-ruiner for me. So where does that leave the PB and mayo? It's like the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object. Or can God microwave a burrito so hot that He himself cannot eat it?
I'm tempted to try it out for the following reason: If peanut butter can pull off the heretofore impossible feat of making me like a sandwich w/ mayo, then it is truly the God of foods.
But if the mayo trumps the PB, and I don't like the sandwich, then my illusion of peanut butter as an all-powerful agent of good in the sandwich world will be shattered, possibly with severe and far-reaching psychological fall-out. So I'm not sure what to do, but thanks for raising an interesting culinary-philosophical question.
Other stuff: the proper construction of a peanut butter sandwich. Tough one. My instinct is to duck the question and say there really is not one "Proper Procedure for a Peanut Butter Sandwich," which is a cop-out, I know, but also what I in fact believe. When it comes down to it, there are just too many variables: what kind of bread are you using? PB and what? etc. However, I agree there are some fundamental ground rules that should be followed, which some people rightfully pointed out. PB on BOTH slices of bread being one crucial one, a diagonal cut being another. I would say we could assemble a list of "best-practices," which would function as general guidelines for assembling a successful peanut butter sandwich, without asserting a single, exclusive "proper" method. Fair?
A lot of great sandwich/other eating ideas came up too. Avocado cake sounds pretty delicious - strikes me as good improvement on avocado bread (also solid), if done correctly. That also gave me the idea to combine recipes for banana bread and avocado bread to create Bananocado Bread - and then coat it with peanut butter icing.
Chachito, I appreciate your concern for the general health of the community, but keep in mind that using an entire avocado would be INSANE. Realistically, you're only gonna need 1/5 - 1/4 of an average-sized berry (thanks Michael) per sandwich.
Finally, as for the suggestion that I marry peanut butter, it sorta depends on your definition of marriage. If you stick to the traditional definition of marriage as the institution by which man and woman join together to live as husband and wife, etc, etc, then clearly that would be impossible. If, on the other hand, you're wiling to consider a more inclusive definition e.g. "a life-long commitment between two loving partners," then I would say I am in fact already married to peanut butter.
Teddy, I hope I don't ruin your "god of foods," that would be tragic.
I think it's gross when mayonnaise is over used, too much can ruin whatever your eating, be it a burger or a pb&m&b sandwich. So when/if you try it, don't use a lot, just a light layer over one piece of bread.
And I like my pb&j sandwiches cut diagonally twice.
logic gets me giddy. well said, sir.
Emboldened by Teddy's mathematical proof, I attempted an experiment:
If (PB + Grannysmith apple) = good
and (Grannysmith apple + Stilton Blue Cheese) = good
then (PB + Grannysmith apple + Stilton BC = ???
It was awful. What happened, was my math to blame?
I remember eating pb/m/b sandwiches as a kid...they were good! Don't knock it 'til you try it.
On the other hand, there's no possible way that such a sandwich can be good for you....
Your language ruined your article. This is the first, and last time to visit this site. I'm a male, 67, no prude, spent a lot of time with rough people, in rough places, but there is no reason for you to ruin a good article with sewer language. It seems that you feel you can't intellectually get your points across, so you need to use filthy language. There is a time and place for everything, and this is not the place for your foul mouth. Amazing. And one more thing, you have a Christian verse at the top right. Please remove it hypocrite, for The Lord says "blessing and cursing cannot come from the same tongue."