Brightest Young Things

   

BYT has a love affair with the fair that goes back almost as long as the site has been in existence (get it? 'love afFAIR!'). Way back in 2006 we posted some horrible photos from the Montgomery County Agricultural Fair.  Then, in 2007, we were thrown out of the MoCo Fair for trying to sneak in and banned for a year.*

In 2008, we planned a triumphant return to MoCo with our own Demolition Derby entrant designed by street artist Kelly Towles, only to be dashed by fate in the 11th hour. 

We've got persistence, though, kiddies, and a faulty starter motor couldn't hold us back.  We shipped that car, purchased for $400 from 4 nuns (the title was actually registered to Little Church of the Sacred Heart), down to Richmond for the State Fair of Virginia and ran it down there.

 

All the while we've been sending our correspondents out to various fairs and festivals to capture an American tradition.  2009 is no different.  Except this year we're determined to get you in on the fair action.

We've put together a handy guide to the summer fair-going experience that we hope you'll use to liven up your summer.  And if you're interested in competing in a demolition derby, we've got the expertise to help you with that as well.

You'll notice our rating system after each fair description, from 1 to 5 corndogs, with 5 corndogs being the ultimate fairgoing adventure and 1 corndog being the equivalent of shoveling horseshit in the stalls rather than sitting in the Queen's box at the Royal Ascot (horse race).

 5 Corndogs **Outstanding Fair.  Don't miss this.  In fact, go several times.  At least once with your friends and at least once with a date.  The wide variety of fair food will be delicious, the rides will be plentiful, and they will most likely have pig racing.

 4 Corndogs **Pretty damn good fair.  While they might not have cheesecurds or a Gravitron at a 4 Corndog fair, they will have all the staples.  Four-horned goats, deep-fried Snickers bars, and a demolition derby, maybe even a mechanical bull.  Or at least some combination of at least two of those previous items.

 3 Corndogs ** Fairly fair fair.  Not great, not bad.  You know when people say 'any port in a storm'?  They're talking about this kind of fair.  If you've got a hankerin' for some fried food and a livestock auction, this fair will do.  Not recommended for a date.  She/he won't be impressed.  They probably won't even have a sledgehammer/bell thing for you to impress her/him with.  Carnies most likely will not rob you at this fair**, but still, don't play the carny games, it's always a waste of money (unless you cheat).

 2 Corndogs **I mean, there might be a 'twodogger' pretty close to your house.  Maybe you live in Fairfax, we don't know.  There might also be a shitty Chinese takeout restaurant on your block, but does that mean you're going to eat there?  Probably not.  Somebody probably is, or they wouldn't be in business, but let's just hope it's not you.  Unless you're really, really drunk, right?  And at that point food is food.  And a fair is a fair.  Just stay away from the Gravitron.

 1 Corndog  **Weak, pathetic, horrible fair.  Run away from a one corndogger.  Your children will be abducted, the lemonade will be made from concentrate, and the lines will be long for the shitty-ass rides that they have (if they even have rides).  Carnies will steal your wallet and subscribe to porn websites with your credit cards.  Beware.  We warned you.

 P.S.  Click on the Name of the Fair to go to the corresponding fair's website.

Loudoun County Fair   7/26/09 - 8/01-09

Rating:

Admission:

Daily: Purchased at gate - $10.00 per adult; $5 per child ages 6-12; ages 6 and under are free.

Weekly Passes: Purchased at gate - $25.00 per adult; $10 per child ages 6-12; ages 6 and under are free.
Purchased online prior to 7/23 - $20.00 per adult; $8 per child ages 6-12.

Highlights:

Ball of Steel Motorcycle Stunt Show on July 28th @ 8pm

Demolition Derby on July 27th @ 8pm

By the way, this is the best Demolition Derby video EVER!                   

 

PG County Fair   9/10/09 - 9/13/09

Rating:

Admission Prices:
$6.00 Adults
$5.00 Children ages 6-17
Ages 5 & under free

Highlights:

None, skip this fair.  I mean, I love PG County as much as the next thrift-store shopper, but this fair is a slow boat to boringtown.  Just take our advice and do not go.

 

Montgomery County Fair   8/14/09 - 8/22/09

Rating:

Admission Prices
$8 per person (ages 8 and up), $3 per child (ages 2-7) and children under 2 are free.

Highlights

Demolition Derby on Friday and Saturday, August 21st and 22nd @ 7:30 PM  Yes, Virginia, they have a freakin' sweet Demolition Derby here.  It's a big one, too. 

The Fuzed (just watch the youtube video, these kids pretty much kill it) on August 17th @ 3pm

 

Fairfax County Fair   8/1/09 & 8/2/09

Rating:

 

Admission:
Admission is free, parking is $5

Highlights:                                                                                                                                 

None, skip this piece-of-shit fair.  Their website is terrible and they are only open for two days.  Epic fail. 

 

 

State Fair of Virginia   9/24/09 - 10/4/09

Rating:

 

Admission:

After 5 p.m. Monday - Friday..................Only $8!
Any weekday Monday - Friday..............................$11
Saturday or Sunday...........................................$13

Highlights:

Demolition Derby

Plain White T's (of 'Hey There Delilah' fame) on October 1st (Free with PA)

 

Maryland State Fair    8/28/09 - 9/7/09

Rating:

Admission:

 Adults are $8; Seniors are $6; Children are $3

Highlights:

Masters of the Chainsaw @ various times, check listings

BOYZ II MEN on Friday, August 28th at 7:30 PM  (Free with paid admission)

 

Prince William County Fair   9/14/09 - 9/22/09

Rating:

Admission:

Adults 7-59 are 5 bucks

Children and old people are 4 bucks

Highlights:

Trashy, but fun.  No other fair has either Mixed Martial Arts OR Pro Wrestling, let alone both

Operation Octagon: Mixed Martial Arts@ 7pm on Saturday, August 15th

Kyda Pro Wrestling @ 7pm on Friday, August 21st

 

Howard County Fair   unknown dates

Rating:

I hate to say this, but ZERO corndogs

Admission:

unknown

Highlights:

This goddamn fair doesn't even have a working website.  Ultimate fail.

[caption id="attachment_27353" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="Beware of Carnies"][/caption]

*Remember, kids, the fair is all fun and games until you try to sneak in like a bunch of thirty-year-old assholes and get caught by the Montgomery County Sherriff's Department Gang Squad who put you and your friends in handcuffs and ban you from the Montgomery County Fairgrounds for one calendar year, causing you to miss such epic events as the Sugarloaf Craft Festival and the 31st Annual Railroad Show.  Pay your admission.  And be on your best behaviour.  Big brother is seriously watching you.

   

**Carny non-robbery not guaranteed

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)