Brightest Young Things

This is a lost traditional holiday punch that is my favorite kind of punch: one that tastes innocuous, smells pleasant, and lands you square on your ass in two short cups. Rumor has it that Admiral Dewey was once waylaid by this punch. That's probably not true, but I like it. When was the last time you thought about Admiral Dewey?

Artillery Punch

• 1 quart strong black tea (I prefer Earl Grey, but really any black tea will do. I just like the smell of bergamot)
• 1 quart rye or blended whiskey
• 1 (750 ml) bottle red wine. Stick to something cheap and New World, no more than $10 max.
• 1 pint dark rum
• 1/2 pint brandy
• 2 ounces Bénédictine
• 1 pint fresh orange juice
• 1/2 pint fresh lemon juice
• Twists of lemon peel for each glass

Pour the tea, whiskey, wine, rum, brandy, Bénédictine, orange juice, and lemon juice into a large bowl over a large disk of ice. Stir until blended, and refrigerate for one hour. Serve with lemon peel as garnish. OK, step back here - do you see how much alcohol is in this baby? This could get a small pony drunk. Which is kind of the point. Anyways, this is billed as a holiday classic, and if you're looking for a punch that doesn't use Champagne for New Year's this is a doozy.