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words by Jeffrey, pictures by Rachel Eisley and Dakota
modelling by: Brock Boss (of Ra Ra Rasputin, Lode Runner and The Regiment) and Jeff Jetton

We ran this story exactly a year and 3 days a go (remember last decade?). It is 100% still relevant this winter, so we’re rerunning it. DEAL.-ED.

You are busy, BYT reader.  We know this.  You’re busy listening to your leaked copy of that new Animal Collective album LINK.  You’re busy posting an ad on craigslist, trying to rent your group house in Ledroit Park (a short walk from Big Bear café and a metro ride from history!) for the inauguration for $14,000 a week.  You’re busy catching that Swedish vampire movie while it’s still in the theaters (if you subtract all the hype, it really was kind of crappy, but better than Twilight!).  Regardless of what you’re doing, you’re busy.  Yet, don’t you get the feeling that with all of this time that you spend out and about in this city, something is missing?  When was the last time you took time out of that hectic schedule to drop by the sculpture garden?  Friday night Jazz?  That is so summer ‘08.  A new day is dawning, kids and that day is called the National Gallery of Art Sculpture Garden in the wintertime.

Now we realize that you don’t have a full day to spend on the mall like you used to.  But that doesn’t mean that you can’t chip away at it in small increments.  Hell, if Brock and Jeff can do the Sculpture Garden in 15 minutes, then you can do 20 minutes and still have time to hit the café for for a hot buttered rum or some hot cocoa.

Make sure to warm up and stretch beforehand. Ice skating is not for the out of shape and/or morbidly obese. If you opt to hit the rink during prime skating times, be prepared for a wait.  We suggest going during off-peak hours, like when it opens (10 am Mon-Sat, 11 am Sun), or in the evenings (nice place to bring a date: Mon-Thurs, Sun you can skate until 9 pm, Fri-Sat till 11 pm) or if you’re really crafty you can slip the rink manager a fifty to get a private skate session in right after he resurfaces the ice with the Zamboni.  Okay, that never really happened.  Neither Brock nor Jeff would spend fifty dollars on something like that; the rink manager was kind enough to let them spend a few minutes on the ice alone after resurfacing for purposes of this photo essay.

And he took them for a ride on the Zamboni, fulfilling a lifelong dream of both Brock AND Jeff.  Other places charge up to $100 for a Zamboni ride…

Note:  you will want to skate at full speed in a clockwise direction against the grain of the other skaters, weaving in and out of traffic.

Do not do this.  The rink is manned with several ‘rink guards’ that, much like lifeguards at a swimming pool, have the ability to remove you from the ice if you’re acting up.  You will be embarrassed.  Brock was.

After five minutes of skating at full speed and hopefully not knocking down any children, you should be sufficiently warmed up to do a jogging tour of the garden’s myriad sculptures.

Take 5 minutes or so to jog around the sculpture garden and enjoy the sculptures. Maybe 1 minute per sculpture?  Don’t linger.  You’ve got a lot to see. Then check out the funny bunny, otherwise known as the British artist Barry Flanagan’s Thinker on a Rock, (1997) followed by, as Jeff describes it, “the giant pizza cutter” which is correctly known as American artists Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen’s Typewriter Eraser, Scale X, (1999 )and what can only be described as something very vaginal and bird-like by Miro (Gothic Personage, Bird-Flash from 1974).

Side Note: there is a sculpture of a house by American artist Roy Lichtenstein, titled House I from 1996-8.  It is awesome.  You will want to make timely jokes about mortgage-backed securities, the housing crisis and foreclosure listings. You may even be urged to discuss this with fashionable hipsters that happen to be basking in the warm sunlight on a bench nearby.  Feel free to do this, but realize that if you make a creepy face at the girl, she might start slowly edging away from you.

Next check out the concrete block pyramid sculpture by American artist Sol LeWitt titled Four-Sided Pyramid (1999) which looks particularly impressive in the late afternoon light.  You may wonder what it would be like to climb to the top and proclaim that you are king of the sculpture garden.  Do not do this.  It is most certainly not allowed, and we (literally) got the whistle blown at us just for thinking about doing it.  The security guards have whistles at the Sculpture Garden.  Loud whistles.  You will be embarrassed.  We were.

Next, it’s time to hit the East wing of the National Gallery. Don’t bother with the West Wing.  You don’t have time, remember?  Save that for another day.  Besides, the best thing about the West Wing is taking thirty seconds to slide down the handrail on the front steps on your way to the East Wing.

That leaves a good four minutes and thirty seconds to enjoy Multiverse, the incredible LED installation that extends above the people mover between the East and West wings beneath the museum by American artist Leo Villareal who ran 41,000 LED computer-programmed LED nodes along the channels of the 200-foot-long space, in installation since September, 2008.  We suggest riding the ‘mover’ at least three to four times to get the full effect.  It’s like a disco, wrapped inside of a daft punk video, with a chewy center of that computer screen from the Matrix.  Or something.  It’s trippy.  If you have an iPod, put this track on when you get on the people mover…

Here’s a video of Brock and Jeff acting like idiots:

BYT – Sculpture Garden in 15 Minutes (Washington, DC) from Dakota Fine on Vimeo.

Okay, you’re done.  In the time you spent reading this photo essay, you could have actually gone out and seen all this yourself.  Go… (!)

Postscript: there are a variety of glass pyramids (1978) designed by Japanese architect I.M. Pei that hover over the concourse area outside between the West and East buildings.  They are awesome. You will want to peer down into the cafeteria and watch people eat their Gelato and partake of the wonderful food that they have for sale. HOWEVER. Be careful when peering through, or posing near these pyramids, because just like all the art and sculptures at the National Gallery of Art, they are NOT meant to be leaned on or touched.  The security guards just might blow their whistle at you a second and even louder time.

You will be embarrassed.  We weren’t, luckily, but could very well have been.

…

Sculpture Garden Hours
Monday–Saturday,10:00a.m.–5:00p.m.
Sunday, 11:00 a.m.–6:00 p.m.

Pavilion Café Hours
Monday–Thursday,10:00a.m.–7:00p.m.
Friday-Saturday,10:00a.m.–9:00p.m.
Sunday, 11:00 a.m.–7:00 p.m.

Ice Skating Rink Hours
Monday–Thursday,10:00a.m.–9:00p.m.
Friday-Saturday,10:00a.m.–11:00p.m.
Sunday, 11:00 a.m.–9:00 p.m.

For more 15 min fun: Check out Jeff and Brock Tackle Artomatic Here and stay tuned for more….

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