words by Jeffrey, pictures by Rachel Eisley and Dakota
modelling by: Brock Boss (of Ra Ra Rasputin, Lode Runner and The Regiment) and Jeff Jetton
We ran this story exactly a year and 3 days a go (remember last decade?). It is 100% still relevant this winter, so we're rerunning it. DEAL.-ED.
You are busy, BYT reader. We know this. You’re busy listening to your leaked copy of that new Animal Collective album LINK. You’re busy posting an ad on craigslist, trying to rent your group house in Ledroit Park (a short walk from Big Bear café and a metro ride from history!) for the inauguration for $14,000 a week. You’re busy catching that Swedish vampire movie while it’s still in the theaters (if you subtract all the hype, it really was kind of crappy, but better than Twilight!). Regardless of what you’re doing, you’re busy. Yet, don’t you get the feeling that with all of this time that you spend out and about in this city, something is missing? When was the last time you took time out of that hectic schedule to drop by the sculpture garden? Friday night Jazz? That is so summer ‘08. A new day is dawning, kids and that day is called the National Gallery of Art Sculpture Garden in the wintertime.
Now we realize that you don’t have a full day to spend on the mall like you used to. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t chip away at it in small increments. Hell, if Brock and Jeff can do the Sculpture Garden in 15 minutes, then you can do 20 minutes and still have time to hit the café for for a hot buttered rum or some hot cocoa.
Make sure to warm up and stretch beforehand. Ice skating is not for the out of shape and/or morbidly obese. If you opt to hit the rink during prime skating times, be prepared for a wait. We suggest going during off-peak hours, like when it opens (10 am Mon-Sat, 11 am Sun), or in the evenings (nice place to bring a date: Mon-Thurs, Sun you can skate until 9 pm, Fri-Sat till 11 pm) or if you’re really crafty you can slip the rink manager a fifty to get a private skate session in right after he resurfaces the ice with the Zamboni. Okay, that never really happened. Neither Brock nor Jeff would spend fifty dollars on something like that; the rink manager was kind enough to let them spend a few minutes on the ice alone after resurfacing for purposes of this photo essay.
And he took them for a ride on the Zamboni, fulfilling a lifelong dream of both Brock AND Jeff. Other places charge up to $100 for a Zamboni ride…
Note: you will want to skate at full speed in a clockwise direction against the grain of the other skaters, weaving in and out of traffic.
Do not do this. The rink is manned with several ‘rink guards’ that, much like lifeguards at a swimming pool, have the ability to remove you from the ice if you’re acting up. You will be embarrassed. Brock was.
After five minutes of skating at full speed and hopefully not knocking down any children, you should be sufficiently warmed up to do a jogging tour of the garden’s myriad sculptures.
Take 5 minutes or so to jog around the sculpture garden and enjoy the sculptures. Maybe 1 minute per sculpture? Don’t linger. You’ve got a lot to see. Then check out the funny bunny, otherwise known as the British artist Barry Flanagan’s Thinker on a Rock, (1997) followed by, as Jeff describes it, “the giant pizza cutter” which is correctly known as American artists Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen’s Typewriter Eraser, Scale X, (1999 )and what can only be described as something very vaginal and bird-like by Miro (Gothic Personage, Bird-Flash from 1974).
Side Note: there is a sculpture of a house by American artist Roy Lichtenstein, titled House I from 1996-8. It is awesome. You will want to make timely jokes about mortgage-backed securities, the housing crisis and foreclosure listings. You may even be urged to discuss this with fashionable hipsters that happen to be basking in the warm sunlight on a bench nearby. Feel free to do this, but realize that if you make a creepy face at the girl, she might start slowly edging away from you.
Next check out the concrete block pyramid sculpture by American artist Sol LeWitt titled Four-Sided Pyramid (1999) which looks particularly impressive in the late afternoon light. You may wonder what it would be like to climb to the top and proclaim that you are king of the sculpture garden. Do not do this. It is most certainly not allowed, and we (literally) got the whistle blown at us just for thinking about doing it. The security guards have whistles at the Sculpture Garden. Loud whistles. You will be embarrassed. We were.
Next, it’s time to hit the East wing of the National Gallery. Don’t bother with the West Wing. You don’t have time, remember? Save that for another day. Besides, the best thing about the West Wing is taking thirty seconds to slide down the handrail on the front steps on your way to the East Wing.
That leaves a good four minutes and thirty seconds to enjoy Multiverse, the incredible LED installation that extends above the people mover between the East and West wings beneath the museum by American artist Leo Villareal who ran 41,000 LED computer-programmed LED nodes along the channels of the 200-foot-long space, in installation since September, 2008. We suggest riding the ‘mover’ at least three to four times to get the full effect. It’s like a disco, wrapped inside of a daft punk video, with a chewy center of that computer screen from the Matrix. Or something. It’s trippy. If you have an iPod, put this track on when you get on the people mover…
Here’s a video of Brock and Jeff acting like idiots:
BYT - Sculpture Garden in 15 Minutes (Washington, DC) from Dakota Fine on Vimeo.
Okay, you’re done. In the time you spent reading this photo essay, you could have actually gone out and seen all this yourself. Go… (!)
Postscript: there are a variety of glass pyramids (1978) designed by Japanese architect I.M. Pei that hover over the concourse area outside between the West and East buildings. They are awesome. You will want to peer down into the cafeteria and watch people eat their Gelato and partake of the wonderful food that they have for sale. HOWEVER. Be careful when peering through, or posing near these pyramids, because just like all the art and sculptures at the National Gallery of Art, they are NOT meant to be leaned on or touched. The security guards just might blow their whistle at you a second and even louder time.
You will be embarrassed. We weren’t, luckily, but could very well have been.
...
Sculpture Garden Hours
Monday–Saturday,10:00a.m.–5:00p.m.
Sunday, 11:00 a.m.–6:00 p.m.
Pavilion Café Hours
Monday–Thursday,10:00a.m.–7:00p.m.
Friday-Saturday,10:00a.m.–9:00p.m.
Sunday, 11:00 a.m.–7:00 p.m.
Ice Skating Rink Hours
Monday–Thursday,10:00a.m.–9:00p.m.
Friday-Saturday,10:00a.m.–11:00p.m.
Sunday, 11:00 a.m.–9:00 p.m.
For more 15 min fun: Check out Jeff and Brock Tackle Artomatic Here and stay tuned for more....
Previously in I Heart DC:
- 2/9: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/8: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/8: Perfect Date Outfits + Outings
- 2/7: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 2/6: DC News You Can Maybe Use:
- 2/2: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
- 2/1: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use:
- 1/31: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 1/30: DC News You Can (Maybe) Use
- 1/30: Capital City Diner: Up All Night
God loves a cheerful giver.
You guys are really good dancers.
I am mainly looking forward to all the awesome hats Jeff will wear since we're planning to do this as a monthly feature.
Awesome job everyone.
wicked set!
Brock!!! I can tell you are a rock star from this:
http://www.brightestyoungthings.com/photos/photo/3174571327/DF0913Sculpture15-39.html
those are some nasty smooth hats
you guys are like a prime time version of the Gallagher brothers.
NICE !!! I see your using the HD movie capability on your new cam.
Also, see my pics of the Villareal exhibit here: www.irfankhalil.com/dc
great minds....
@irfan
shameless, self-promotion, i'm calling you out.
nevertheless, i like your shots very much. now, as penance for your undeniable narcissism go out and take pictures of alleyways and send them to me. pronto!
first, dakota/rachel - amazing photos!
next, jeffrey - you are cute.
finally - i really liked 'let the right one in' (the swedish movie you mention). i thought had it been an american film, it would've been cheesy and ridiculous as fuck. but, being swedish (or really any scandinavian country/director could've pulled it off i bet...), it ended up feeling quite dire, creepy and bleak, though not necessarily scary - not to mention there were a few plot twists i didn't see coming.
in fact, i will go as far to say that had ingmar bergman been a fan of creepy fantasy (hello seventh seal) or even horror films, he probably would've liked this. the director certainly got the tone, sound and color right.
i thought the kid who played oskar did a brilliant job. sure, he was a 12 year old who made some silly decisions, but i felt for him. and eli the vampiress was, well, really creepy and awesome.
anyway, i liked it. a lot.
haha. damn! you're on to me. lol.
PS: that's actually a hidden gallery though.
Alleyways with rats, dirty whores, and drunken bums, coming up.
This was awesome, and the last time I went to the garden it was jazz night and it was effing raining.
hott you guys.
@victoryrose, if you think jeffrey's cute I'm sure he can incorporate you into his rotation! easy is as easy does.
That was totally awesome. And my man Jeff scored yet another Zamboni ride! Woohoo!
As an aside I found Let the Right One In to be a feminist retelling of Peter Pan. Think about it. It's all about a little girl who would never become an adult, could lead you into a magical world, and rescue you from even the most dire of circumstances (like your father that you are obliged to see on the weekends with his creepy live-in friend).
dear yfan,
don't you dare shit-talk my friend jeff. he has been a dear, dear friend for almost 5 years. i love and adore him.
thanks,
victoryrose
i heart brock
not in a gay way just in a hey mate i wanted to say that you're looking okay mate
also...nice sweater, is that ralph lauren?
ironic: you know, you are totally right. (yous so smaat!)
another reason to love it i think. and there certainly was not a shortage of creepy family scenarios....
that IS a ralph lauren sweater. filene's basement special. $29
it looks better on brock than it does on me, though.
Ironic (and VR) Seriously? What's so magical about the world where you become a handmaiden for a blood-thirsty vampire chick? She used that kid, just like she used the old man (her "father") in the beginning. That kid is going to become that old man whose neck she sucked on. That kid is going to be that old man going out and killing people and draining their blood for her to drink. That's what the story showed and it was incredibly sad - out of the frying pan (poor childhood, bullies, etc) and into the fire (becoming a murderer for love for an ageless vampire until you're too old to be useful and you're killed yourself).
Did we see the same movie? Chick was 400+ years old. She went through a ton of little Oskars in her lifetime. She preyed on them. Hell she focused on kids in dire circumstances because they're more easily led astray to do her bidding.
uhh. michael. i don't disagree with you at all. it was bleak...dire...creepy (see my earlier post) for all the reasons you just talked about. as a movie, i thought it was great.
yeah, the little guy is fucked. oh well.
Someone write a review on it. It was okay. Didn't live up to the hype.
but jeff, we would rather muddy up your amazing sculpture garden write-up with nonsense about this movie...
sorry about that.
p.s. you're cute.
She fed on the old guy to put him out of his misery, and because she knew that he loved her and therefore wanted her to use his blood to keep living. There was nothing that could be done to save him after being severely burned by those chemicals.
And yes, Oskar and her are going to be doing lots of terrible things to people over the next several decades, but in the context of the misanthropic world-view of the film, we simply don't care because all of those to-be-determined victims are just like the bullies at school--not worthy of pity.
But I think you are taking the whole thing far too literally, Michael. It's really the Peter Pan fairy tale retold from the perspective of a female Peter Pan and a male Wendy.
Will Oskar live out a sad and bleak existence? Well, it is set in Sweden, after all.
Those pics are gorgeous! I especially like the moving walkways ones. And I think your camera may have captured the soul of that skate-selling kid. I may be slightly in love. (Hope he's over 18!)
dakoTA did you get a d90?
this is hilarious...you guys are ridiculously famous for wearing cool outfits, basically. and getting zamboni privileges.
I am very jealous of Brock's sweater. and Jeff's dance moves. and thanks for that video...i can't start my new year without riding the mover now (but only with that same song playing)
Just out of curiosity, did the two of you ever have a Blades of Glory moment out on the ice in which you realized that you had much more in common with each other than you had, at first, realized?
who's the guy in the rainbow hat? dapper.
I give it a Gahhhh and 2 Jeeeezzz! But really entertaining...
v. v. hilarious!
the sculpture garden might just have to recruit some more fashionable hipsters to bask in sunlight.
everyone's going to want to talk to one now!
v. interesting. v.
adorable. I have a crush on your dance moves.
Jeff, I think your wearing my hat. Mom
*you're, mom, not your. <3
When did you become such a great Model Jeff..? Your almost as good looking as Butts, just not as buff..!
I don’t mind the sight of Skating Rink in the Sculpture Garden in wintertime at all but I ain’t going to have dorky hipsters on the foreground. And the music number is downright atrocious. v. badly done.
I resent the hipster remark, Ernest. I'm way too old to be called a hipster. I challenge you to a duel. Or a slapfight. Your choice. But I'd win the slapfight. Just warning you.
Gee, this is awkward... I was merely joking, hehehe. No need to get offended, mister. Thing is I called you hipster by mistake. I made the error of calling you a hipster. Of course, you are not a hipster. It must be something I ate. Forget it, eh?
it's cool. the hat throws some people off. damn, i sure do love hats.
Which hat do you have in mind, sir? Is it the really cool fur hat or the farout looking other one?
Did I mention you are NOT a hipster? eddie is, of the wrong kind. Cale is the right one.
i'm far from being a hipster of any kind, ernesto. trust me.
It's the devil in you, eddie. El diablo, the unholy one. That's why you frequently post falsehoods.
whatever happened to the no hipster comments allowed, henceforth all comments with hipster will be deleted, which kills about half this post.
Still amazing.