In honor of the one night only May 15th showing of First Blood in theaters (TONIGHT!), I decided to have my own personal man night. I stocked up on beers, beef jerky, and playboys, rented the first 3 Rambo films and wrote the following blog. Here it is, blow-by-blow, beer-for-beer.

Beer 1:
FIRST BLOOD
Time in 0 minutes

I totally forgot David Caruso was in this movie. I hope he wears sunglasses and has awesome one-liners.

Stallone also had a hand in the screenplay, which makes me wonder why he never writes much of anything anymore. Maybe too many shots to the head.

The name of the town is either Hope or Holidayland. It’s like an amusement park, except with deranged Vietnam veterans.

FUCKING Brian Dennehy! This movie already totally rules just because of that. And he hates hippies! Don’t want them in his town! Especially ones that look like Sly.

“Why you pushin’ me?” You don’t want to push John Rambo, Dennehy. bad idea.

Rambo totally used to be anti-establishment. I bet if they knew how he was going to kill commies later on in life, they wouldn’t hassle him so much.

Stallone has a ferocious mustache in the Vietnam flashbacks. It’s a good look, and I think he missed a tremendous opportunity to make it part of the Rambo look.

“Can’t you see this guy’s crazy?”
“Can’t you see I don’t give a shit?” writing just doesn’t get better than that.

16 minutes in Rambo snaps. Doesn’t like to get shaved, evidently. It was probably the fact that they wanted to shave him dry. That’s just not right, don’t blame him at all.

Beer 2:
FIRST BLOOD
Time in: 17 minutes

Sly kind of looks like that dude from Heroes who can gain everyone else’s powers. I hope the cheerleader chick shows up somewhere in this movie, but I suspect there will be a significant lack of hot chicks in any of these films. Although Dennehy does have great boobs, so I suppose I’ll have to make do with that.

Rambo Lesson 1: don’t try to drive up a mountain in a shitty cop car, you might flip it.

I just realized that Rambo is a lot like Bear Grylls, except a lot cooler. And crazier. I think that Man vs. Wild would be a whole helluva lot better if there were a bunch of redneck cops chasing Bear up the side of the mountain every week. Or even better, if those cops were American Gladiators.

woops. crazy sadistic cop dude just fell out of a helicopter. Now he’s good and dead-like. Rambo is really good at throwing rocks. He told you not to push him.

“Those green berets, they’re real baddasses.” so true, so true.

“I’m gonna get that sonofabitch and i’m gonna pin that congressional medal of honor to his liver.” That seems like a bit of an invasive procedure to me. And why his liver? Why not his heart? that seems like a worse fate, metaphorically at least.

Rambo just killed a dog. If he eats it, then we know Vietnam really got in his blood. Body count: 1 man, 2 dogs.

Beer 3:
FIRST BLOOD
Time in: 37 minutes

DAM! Caruso just got stabbed in the fucking leg. Now he’s screaming like his movie career was over before it started? Anyone remember Jade?

Stallone is really into “not pushing it”. I wonder what would happen if Salt’N'Pepa came by and sang their chart topping hit, “Push It.” Well, I shouldn’t wonder, because I believe Spinderella would get a fucking 10 inch hunting knife right in her upper thigh.

“He was trained to eat things that would make a billygoat puke.” I didn’t know that green beret training involved a three episode appearance on Fear Factor(RIP). I also think the dude who plays Colonel Troutman went to the Bill Shatner school of acting. The awkward pauses mean it’s emotional. Just like how the tingle mean Selson Blue is working.

Beer 4:
FIRST BLOOD
time in: 50 minutes.

He finally put on the goddam headband. This is the Rambo I know and love. The Rambo that looks like a DC hipster, minus the PBR.

I think that’s about the 17th time in the movie that Dennehy tells people not to shoot Rambo and nobody listens. Now the people in the Army aren’t following orders either. Here’s to military discipline! Not an Army of One, an Army Of Me, if you will. Minus the song about coming down to DC.

“It will read on his tombstone: Killed for vagrancy in Jerkwater, USA.” The best town ever. That’s actually where I was born and raised. Not Jerkwater, but Manassas, so same fucking difference.

Dennehy’s character’s name is Will Teasle. Which sounds like it should be a Ween song, but it ain’t.

Beer 5:
FIRST BLOOD
time in: 1hour 11 minutes

YES! finally some fucking explosions. Take that gas station! You can take your 4 dollar a gallon gas and CRAM it. I didn’t know that cars blew up immediately after they caught on fire. It sounds like the mythbusters should investigate. Can you tell I watch a lot of discovery channel? I’ll give you even odds on the next reference being Mike Rowe or Deadliest Catch.

Sly’s crying now and it’s surprisingly moving. Maybe its the fact that I’ve had about 5 beers and I’m on my menses, but this was actually a really good movie.

My Reaction: Awesome (3.5 out of 5)

I’m watching the alternate ending now…Well, he got shot. Not really surprising. Good thing he didn’t really die in the real version, other wise I’d be watching something else the rest of the night.

Now for the “Humorous Ending”. I hope this means a lot of clowns and possibly an appearance by Howie Mandel…That was more like a foul-up bleep and blunder. oh well. At least I laughed.

Beer 6:
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
time in: 0 minutes

I have never actually seen this movie before, so I’m looking forward to the cinematic treat this should be.

Nice - begins with an explosion. I already like this movie.

They’re not fucking around with this movie, they’re already explained the entire premise in the first 2 minutes. Although I didn’t know how easy it was to get a fugitive out of jail just to go kill some fucking gooks (sorry, I’m using the Rambo vernacular).

“Do we get to win this time?” This has to be under the rule of Reagan now. I mean the ultimate republican wet dream, to go back to Vietnam and be able to “win”. I can only imagine that Rambo will reappear in the year 2035 in a movie about going back and being able to “win” in Iraq.

HOLY SHIT! The Cobra Kai sensei is in this movie! Sweep the leg, Johnny Rambo.

So we’ve come to the point, 12 minutes in to the second Rambo film, where Rambo ceases to be a real character, and has morphed into an action hero. He’s not fighting white good ol boy popos anymore, he’s going to kill some brown people. It’s like when your favorite indie band signs to a major label and turns into a corporate rock juggernaut. Y’know, like what happened with Fall Out Boy and Clay Aiken.

Beer 7
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
time in: 18 minutes

I have a distinct feeling that we won’t see Rambo crying this film. Which is a pity, seeing as I love to watch men cry.

AHA! the weapons supplied to the bad guys are from RUSSIA! The dirty goddam commies are behind everything evil, like herpes, hollywood and the gays.

man i have to pee so bad right now. I have the bladder of a 10 year old girl. Plus my kidneys hurt.

The girl from Vietnam in this movie speaks like Yoda or Tonto. I like how her accent is perfectly Americanized, but she lacks the ability to use words like “the” or “a”, and can’t add “s” to the end of words. That’s how you know she’s from another land. “What bring you good luck?”

“Cycle girl whore from village.” I’m gonna write a song about that. soon.

FUCK YEAH! he’s got the bow and arrow finally. and our first dead body. BRAINED!!! arrow through the forehead. now its getting interesting kids, Like that ugly person your friends try to set you up on blind date with. BOOYAKASHA!

Beer 8
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
time in: 40 minutes

Y’know, I’ve stopped caring that Rambo isn’t really an interesting character anymore. now I’m just enjoying the fact that he’s a total badass who just blew up a boat with a rocket launcher and stabbed some charlie in the chest. MANTIME is upon me in full force, and I’m totally enjoying it. I think its almost time to bust out the beef jerky.

Well, we’re in Act 2 now.
“Who do you think you’re talking to? ”
“A stinking bureaucrat that’s trying to cover his ass.” take it to the man!!! The government still is keeping us down!

“You’re the one who’s making the mistake.”
“OH yeah, what?”
“Rambo.”
YES!!! Those lines are amazing, and I have no idea if they even really mean anything! Is Rambo the mistake?

48 minutes in; “Damn Russian bastards.” finally, at least we know now who the real enemy is.

fuckin’ a. Everyone is so goddam sweaty in this movie. I can’t stand it. Same thing with Die Hard. I just wished that they had a rag and wiped themselves off. Like your mom the other night. BAM! wicked burn.

Beer 9
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
time in: 55 minutes

I like that I can still remember a little bit of Russian, even though the last time i studied it, I was in high school. Ocheyn Harosho, indeed.

I always find it amazing that whoever shoots at Rambo has no ability to aim whatsoever. But I also find it amazing that when you put milk on Rice Krispies the cereal talks to you. I guess what Im saying is that I’m retarded.

FUCK yes. Rambo is gettin’ some action now. i frankly prefer it when he just kills people. The sight of Stallone making out gives we the wiggins somethin’ fierce, like when I see clowns or Maria Shriver.

oh fuck no. the girl Rambo just made out with literally seconds ago just got fucking killed. LMFAO. What’s the lesson? Make out with Rambo, your ass is grass. Make out with some rando at a bar, you’re probably only going to have to use valtrex for the rest of your life, but so what? Robin Williams uses it, so should you. Anything that’s good enough for Mrs. Doubtfire is good enough for me.

I’ve noticed that Rambo is less like an action hero and more like the Predator. Which isn’t bad, except for the outerspace dreadlocks. and the fact that Van Damme originally played the predator but got canned.

fuck this noise jack, i’m hungry. and I’m going to Taco Bell.

Beer 10
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II
time in: 1 hour 12 minutes

back now. fuck you blog. i’m eating a chalupa.

I just realized that I have no idea what’s going on plot-wise in this movie. I also realized that it doesn’t make any difference whatsoever. Rambo just blew up a dude with an arrow. and there you fuckin’ are.

Rambo part II seems to be the epitome of hyper-masculine 80s action fare. Always saving the skinny faggoty little POWs from the russians, and killing everything in sight whilst flexing. he’s the man i want to be and the man my non-existant girlfriend would gladly bang. in other words, he is exactly the kind of man i’d elect for governor. Oh wait, Rambo isn’t Arnold. such a pity, indeed-ee-o-doo.

Rambo is now shooting a bunch of computers. Fuck you computers! you’re only built for nerds And bureaucrats. god help you if you ever cross rambo!

this movie made my drunken soul happy for some reason. Not up to the real emotional standard of the first film, and nowhere near as outlandish as the recently released fourth episode, though it still holds a place in the trash action canon.

my reaction: Ok (2.5 out of 5)

Epilgoue: What the fuck is this song over the credits? it’s like if Peter Cetera was singing a song written by Toby Keith, only if he were more retarded.

i’m transcribing the lyrics here for your enjoyment.

we gave our hearts
we gave it all
flame in the fire
burns forever more
sorrow and believin’
armor and truth
race by us blindly
wrapped around our YOO-OOO-UTH!

CHORUS:

Peace in our life
remember the call
OH OH OH
a tear for my brothers
think of them all
home of the brave
will never fall
the strength of our nation
belongs to us all

time is the healin’
of souls laid to rest
pieces of virtue
never forget
tomorrow’s an angel
that watches us all
tellin’ the people
she wraps around our HEEEARRRTS!!!

CHORUS

(key change) CHORUS etc, etc….

What the hell is that song supposed to mean anywise? It’s the perfect spewage of meaningless patritotic claptrap. LUV IT.

Beer 11
RAMBO III
time in: 0 minutes

I’m still recovering from that amazing song. i’m also wondering what i’m going to do when I run out of beer. Which will be VERY soon. I have to piss again.

FUCK YES!! the dad on That 70s Show is in this one! I love that guy, especially in Robocop. I can only speculate that he’s a villian.

Rambo’s a cage fighter now? maybe there was a rambo video game. i can’t remember it specifically.

it’s a Movie Rule. if the good guy has the chance to kill someone else in a fight to the death, he will not, and instead let his baser opponent live.

RUSSIANS!!! again. Goddammit. Why can’t we find a new enemy as good as the Russians. I mean, the Germans were pretty good, but the Russians were always the 80s enemy. The Enemy we couldn’t ever actually EVER fight. But do you know who can fight them? FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING JOHN FUCKING RAM-FUCKING -BO.

I’m wondering if Troutman EVER wears anything else beside that stupid friggin beret and uniform? If so, that’s a pity. I mean, all I can imagine him wearing other than that is chaps, red cowboy boots, and a smile.

it seems that in Vietnam, they have a lot of muscle oil. y’know, just to show the definition. and make pad thai.

Beer 12
RAMBO III
time in: 15 minutes

My roommate just came home and asked me what I was doing.
I said, “I’m watching ALL of the Rambo movies.”
he said, “That sounds like a blast.”
I don’t think he meant it, though.

rambo is supplied with glowsticks. which i guess would be good if they were going to a rave, but I’m not sure that there were many raves in 1980s afghanistan. well, at least good raves.

I’m wondering if there were any 80s russian-made action films about how americans were evil. I’m sure there has to be. Maybe they had there own version of Rambo. Maybe he’s called Yakov Shmirnov. “In communist Russia Rambo kills you!”

holy crap. Troutman just laid out the exact reason why we can’t win in Iraq to the soviet general:
“You expect sympathy? You started this damn war, now you have to deal with it. you know there won’t be a victory, Everyday, your war machines lose ground to a bunch of poorly armed, poorly equipped freedom fighters. The fact is, you underestimated your competition. If you’d studied your history you’d know that these people haven’t ever given up to anyone. They’d rather die than be slaves to an invading army. You can’t defeat a people like that. We tried. We already had our Vietnam!” yes, we did, Troutman. Now we have something much, MUCH worse. No longer comparable to Vietnam, frankly.

i’m not even watching this anymore. i’ve taken to my usual nightly task of stalking people online. I’m also officially out of beer now. boo fucking hoo.

Vodka/sprite 1
RAMBO III
time in: 46 minutes

wow that’s strong. i can’t even pretend to know what i’m doing anymore. I think i should probably go to sleep. I’ve had too much Rambo and too much alcohol to even coherently relay my opinions on the actual movies. All I know i that i’ve seen Rambo blow up half a gillion brown people. It’s going to be great when I sleep.

OK I’m done with Rambo now. i’m going to watch the daily show now. i need to laugh.

my reaction: incomplete (n/a out of 5)

EPILOGUE:
Man I’m hungover. Maybe this wasn’t exactly the best idea for a schoolnight. But duty calls. I hope this is actually as rambling and incoherent and I imagine it to be. It certainly helps if you know the movies or watch and read along at the same time. In fact, I recommend all of you recreate this experience beer-for-beer. If you don’t have fun, at least you’ll get drunk and see Stallone kill a bunch of people. I’m going to go take some advil and have a nap. Jason OUT!

BONUS
Upon informing Cale about Jason writing this article he was kind enough to send this link.
NOW YOU ARE READY

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