Dude Christmas is sooo overrated. I mean, every year it’s inevitably full of major let downs. Like the time when my I asked for an iPod and my mom bought me a Zune. Or last Christmas when my aunt bought me The High School Musical Soundtrack. She was all, “You’re in high school, and you love music! I just know you’re going to love this!”
My dad thinks she gave it to me cause the whole family thinks I’m gay cause I wear girl pants and eyeliner. I was like fuck you dad, go listen to Barry Manilow and complain about the water bill, or some other lame adult shit. Let me live my life.
The one good thing about Christmas is that all my favorite bands use it as an opportunity to show their softer side and release seasonal Holiday themed music. Unfortunately, most of these bands are flash in the pan one trick ponies who’s record sales are directly proportional to the preposterousness of their emo comb over hair cuts - and their Christmas songs inevitably end up sucking.
David Melillo – All I Want For Christmas
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/davidmelillo
Dave Melillo is on Drive Thru Records. Drive Thru in 2002 was fucking awesome (Starting Line, Midtown, The Movielife, Something Corporate, etc…). Drive Thru in 2007 is irrelevant and awful. Exibit A – Dave Melillo. Exhibit B – this corny ass cover of All I Want For Christmas.
Also the dude looks like a fucking model from 18th and Ocean - that show about south beach models on MTV. Someone this pretty could never be emo. AND he dresses like he’s straight out of the American Eagle catalogue. Fuck me, his music actually sounds like what you hear in American Eagle.
Gatsbys American Dream – Christmas Time Is Here
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/gatsbysamericandream
Gatsby’s American Dream should NOT be confused with Baltimore emo outfit Gatsby Gets the Green Light. I never knew 9th grade English was so emo. I’m starting a new band based entirely on my experiences in my 9th grade English class called Romeo Cant Live Without Juliet (or RMCLWJ). Or maybe one called The Alienation of Holden Caufield.
Fucking Romeo and Holden Caufield were sooo much more emo than Gatsby. Well, not that I’d fucking know, I just read the Spark Notes and cheated off of this chick Anne who’s really into literature and studying. WTF is studying? As far as I’m concerned, Studying is the shit I tell my mom I’m doing when I’m in my room on the internet looking at porn.
Friday Night Boys - Chrismukkah
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/thefridaynightboys
Dude any song named after a term coined by Seth Cohen gets double emo cred. Seth Cohen and Jason Schwartzman pretty much helped the whole modern emo attitude go mainstream. BTW did you know Fueled By Ramen (Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco) just signed Phantom Planet? No you didn’t, cause it doesn’t matter, cause Jason Schwartzman isn’t in the band anymore. I wonder if he’d join The Alienation of Holden Caufield. My friend Ryan said he’d play bass.
Most Emo Moment: “On Hannukah I hope you think of me, and on Christmas eve you know just where I’ll be. I’ll be here waiting for you, here alone in my room. Just try to make sure that you call me when this holiday is over.”
The Maine – Ho Ho Hopefully
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/themaine
Definitely the most emo of all the original Christmas songs this year. The Maine was recently signed to Fearless Records and just put out an EP that could be described as “functional.” Why functional? Well, mostly cause it sucks, but it contains every element necessary to get 15 year old chicks to buy into it. No, I’m not jealous of these guys at all.
Most Emo Moment: “Ho, Ho, Ho-pefully this holiday will make us believe that we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be.”
Every Avenue – This Christmas
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/everyavenue
Like The Maine, Every Avenue is also on Fearless Records. This label must have an original holiday song clause in their record contracts, with a stipulation that the song must also blow. Heart felt piano break-down? A sing along key change? This is about as emo as Bryan Adams.
Most Emo Moment: “This Christmas I’m worried to death, so bring me some good news cause its all I’ve got left.”
As Tall As Lions – Oh Holy Night
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/astallaslions
I found out about these guys from my friend Sara in an email titled “bands you HAVE to be in to 2k7.” I swear to god I tried to like these guys, but I’m pretty sure the only reason these dudes write music is to bang chicks. Fuck that, emo is about not being able to bang chicks. Or like emo can be about shit like wanting to get to know a girl for who she is, and taking things slow, only to find out she’s banging some dude named Todd on the baseball team behind your back.
Anyways, this is a half-way decent Christmas song. My mom caught me listening to it and said she liked it. I just told her to get out of my room and to stay out of my life.
Anberlin – Baby Please Come Home ge
mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/anberlin
This is an original song by Anberlin, a “Christian punk” band that swears they aren’t Christian. BUT they just so happen to be on Christian rock label Tooth & Nail. Being Christian and all, I suppose they are the most suited to sing about the birth of Christ.
Honestly though, the dudes in Anberlin look like Christian youth group counselors that are trying their hardest to look “cool.” Dude, those Christian youth groups suck sooo bad. They lure you in with like skateboarding, and music, and like BMX on Friday nights, and then they lock the doors and talk about God and your feelings. It’s such bullshit.
Surrogate Party - Christmas
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/surrogateparty
Surrogate Party is also on Tooth & Nail records. I guess they must be Christian as well. Oh well, I liked this song better when Alvin and the Chipmunks sang it.
When I was 8 I thought that the one chipmunk Brittany from the Chippettes was hot. It used to piss me off that Dave Seville was always C-Blocking Alvin when he was trying to get his man. Much like how my dad C-Blocked me with this chick I met on MySpace. It’s fucking bullshit he wouldn’t buy me a plane ticket to Orlando so I could meet her in person.
The Fold – Oh Holy Night
get mp3 here
http://www.myspace.com/thefold
Another Christmas song from a Tooth & Nail artist? No, I swear Tooth & Nail isn’t a Christian label, Anberlin. Dude, there is NOTHING emo about Christian rock. This song is about as emo as Mike Huckabee’s Christmas campaign commercial.
