Brightest Young Things

If you haven't gotten disappointed yet this season, just wait. Much like you were disappointed by the actual toys you received as a child, as well as the first viewing of the Barry Levinson 1992 commercial flop Toys, much like that, you will be bummed out soon or usually immediately after getting some mediocre presents and eating too much pie.

Good thing you have this list to tell you where to escape to party your ass sensible. As a bonus I will throw in a few of my favorite dive bar's bartenders names so you will know who you're rambling at for 6 hours as you gather your spirits to go back home and face it.

Thursday:

It's Christmas eve. I recommend the Tune Inn, where Chris will take pity on you and give you shots of Makers Mark. Or if you're back home in Silver Spring, the Quarry house is dark and deep in the basement so that will help.

Friday:

Throw your sweaters and All In The Family Season 3 DVDs into the trunk and come back to the city to funk at Black Cat and Rager at RnR Hotel.

Or go to Townhouse Tavern and get hit on by that one lanky gay bartender with giant syrupy eyes and they have tropical lights everywhere and you can pretend you're on vacation. From being straight. Just kidding. Or am I?

Saturday:

Nothing says Holidays like seven radical activists in the late 70s gathering together in a cabin to reminisce about the 60s and inspire the Big Chill. Seriously this is a great movie about being disappointed.

Later there is Bliss, which is only ever disappointing when that girl with the skimpy dress and the charming theories about graphology turns out to be 19. Or you could sit in Kitty O'Sheas out in Arlington and ask Heather why it's so bright in there while you pound cheese poppers. Excitement is over-rated.

Sunday:

Wye Oak is relaxing but this is risky because they might not have as luxurious beards as you may be hoping. But you know who does have an amazing beard? No not Chad America, Santa Claus! You do realize after the Big Day Mr. C heads down to The Pug to sling Irish Coffee for a few weeks right? This really happens.

Anyway, don't be discouraged. You're doing fine. It's just another year, and at least you made your mother happy when you gave her that teapot. Well, she looked happy, and that's what counts. Cheers!

Bonus toys: