Brightest Young Things

I used to think that my parents were crazy because they never let my sister and I watch more than an hour of television a day. Some/most of my friends had no limit to the amount (or quality) of TV they watched. In retrospect, I definitely think my parents did me a huge favor, but a subconscious part of my mind believes that I am making up for lost time at night and sometimes at work, pillaging through episodes of Out of This World, the Secret World of Alex Mack, and funny clips of puppies falling down stairs. These days, I try and syphon it for the greater good; namely, for you people to enjoy with me. So without further ado....

1. Power Top: Viagra Beer?

Finally, someone has solved the age old whiskey-dick problem - they've put VIAGRA in beer! Well, its herbal viagra, and its to commemorate Prince William's marriage to Kate Middleton (this overblown, hyped up excuse for a royal wedding is an instant boner-killer in my book [I couldn't bring myself to pick up the Express this morning because Kate's pasty face was plastered all over it]. However, I'm interested to hear the reviews - I'm willing to shuck out £10 for a boner-inducing good time. You know how I roll.

According to the website, "The beer is a 7.5% ABV India Pale Ale and has been brewed at BrewDog’s brewery in Fraserburgh." Sounds delicious! Move over Four Loko, there's a new player in town.

2. Top: The New "Old Spice" Guy

I still like the first Old Spice guy better, but this guy isn't half bad - what do you think? The only problem I have with these ads is they escalate the action and silliness so quickly, they're going to hit a plateau soon and not be able to do anything more outrageous. I say that plateau is only about three commercials away.

This ad has, however, coined a new phrase I'm going to say as often as I can: "You smell like you look amazing." Maybe when I'm drunk in a bar and hitting on some unsuspecting twink sometime soon, I'll slur out, "You look like you smell amazing" to see if I can catch a whiff.

3. Vers: WTF

This creepy little clip popped up in my feed this week, and although it may be the creepiest thing on the Internet ever, it also is my favorite thing to watch at 3am when I can't pass out. That cute little tune puts me to sleep the same way Anthony Hopkin's hissing used to before I discovered this.

Halloween costume discovered! If this guy isn't making you want to boogie tonight, or if you need some extra credit dance moves, try some of this guy's - he looks like knows what he's doing.

4. Bottom: Carrot Top's New Hair

That hot ginger sitting on that couch? Yeah, I'd do her.

Here is Carrot Top, plastic surgery disaster and collect-call enthusiast, looking like less of a hot mess than usual. The picture comes from a photo shoot for Las Vegas Magazine, and in the article, even he seems surprised at how good he looks. And by "how good he looks" we all mean he still looks like shit but he's not making any babies cry or magically turning vaginas into steel bear traps anymore. Good for you, Carrot Top!

That reminds me of my favorite Carrot Top joke, as told by the lovely Lisa Lampanelli: “I always thought they called you Carrot Top because of your hair. Now I know it’s because everybody wants to see you buried up to your forehead in dirt.” Here, here, Lisa.

5. Power Bottom: Who IS This And Why Is He "Singing?"

This train wreck is Simon von Kempen, one of the many awful people who are featured on one of those awful shows on that awful network, Bravo. I am aware that trashiness is my bread and butter a-la Ke$ha. I am aware that most of what I find awesome and amazing can also be seen as trashy and hopeless to others. But this - what is it about reality "celebrities" who think that a camera being in their face for a few months a year makes them good singers? Auto-tune isn't THAT good just yet, people - we can still tell you sound like shit.

I'd love to see Angelina Pivarnick, Countess LuAnn, Danielle Staub and Kim Zolciak on some kind of tour together. Anyone down for renting an armored car with me and running these hot messes off the road? Shoot me an email.

That's all, folks - have a weekend better than this guy:

And TRY and have a better weekend than Rebecca Black, but I doubt you will:

Previously in Tops and Bottoms:

• 5/18: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 5/11: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 4/20: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 4/13: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 3/30: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 3/23: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 3/16: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 3/9: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 3/2: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance
• 2/24: Tops and Bottoms: This Week in Pop Culture Dominance