All Words: Jeff Jetton
All Photos: The Cobrasnake
It's pornweek on brightestyoungthings.xxx and you're probably feeling a little bit, how should we say, under-endowed these days. Judging by the current crop of female sex toys on the market (we judged), it seems as though the standard for male genitalia size has been grossly inflated by the toy industry over the past 10-15 years. Nay, you say? It's possible that we're wrong. But take exhibit A., this collection of pretty ordinary dildos on display at the Adult Novelty Expo, sister convention to the Adult Entertainment Expo.
Yay, we say, when compared to this rather ordinary looking bunch of bananas that our friends at the 3D porn site Funky Monkey Movies were using for promotion.
Pretty freakin' small in comparison. But don't worry, guys. Dr. Joel Kaplan has the cure for what ails ya (if what ails ya is a small banana). We happened across Dr. Kaplan hawking his wares at the novelty expo and had to stop to put him through the ringer. We've always been skeptical of male enhancement tools, so we gave him a chance to set the record straight.
BYT: How long have you been in the, umm, vacuum pump industry?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: Sixteen years.
BYT: What do you call them, penis pumps or vacuum pumps?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: Medical FDA-approved vacuum pumps.
BYT: FDA Medical approved vacuum pumps, commonly known as a penis pump, right?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: They are used for penis enlargement and erectile dysfunction. When used safely and correctly, you will enlarge, you will get longer and thicker, permanently and safely. It's like bodybuilding for the penis. Two-thirds of the penis is muscle. You work out your penis, it gets stronger, harder and bigger.
BYT: Do you use it?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: Yeah I’ve used the pump; I’ve gotten very big with the pump.
BYT: You’ve gotten big with the penis pumper?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: Yeah.
BYT: You are saying its something like bodybuilding; if you don’t keep body building you lose it.
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: There is some muscle memory in the penis so if you don’t keep using it you will get some shrinkage, but all you’ve got to do is keep using it, and if you stop all you have to do is keep using it a few more times and you are back to where you started.
BYT: How long do you have to pump for?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: About twenty minutes to a half hour, about three to four times a week. You will see results immediately, you will become firm in about six weeks.
Mark the Cobrasnake: Does it also make you ejaculate when you're pumping?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: You can ejaculate if you want, but the purpose is not to ejaculate.
BYT: Is it dishwasher safe if you do?
Penis Pump guy: Yeah, you can put it in the dishwasher if you do.
BYT: So, what about the pills? Tell me about the pills
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: The pills are a stimulant. The active ingredient is johimbe, and we do also have it without the stimulant, so it wont raise the blood pressure.
BYT: Are these also FDA-approved?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: They are herbal, but the pump is FDA-approved. The herbal [pills] are not. When you use the pills with the pump together, you will get a better result.
BYT: So lets do a quick run-through of all the different kinds of pumps:
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: We have an electric pump, it is easier to operate, it feels better and the results are quicker. You plug it in, you sit back and it literally enlarges your penis without your hands. Than hand pump system is a good system, but than again you have to keep pumping, and you can get a little bit tired. You will get a more efficient and better pump session out of the electric pump system but both products are excellent devices.
BYT: But you would recommend the motorized system?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: Oh, yeah definitely it’s a lot easier to operate.
BYT: Wait so how many have you said you’ve sold?
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: I’ve been doing this for 16 years.
BYT: Sixteen years, so thousands and thousands of penises enlarged.
Dr. Joel Kaplan, Ph.D.: Yeah.
BYT: That’s awesome, alright cool.
Jeff (to Mark the Cobrasnake as they walk away): What a fucking scamming conman.
If you can stomach it, watch this ridiculous video...
Previously in BYT interviews:
- 5/18: INTERVIEW: Jasmine Solano
- 5/18: Interview: Richard Linklater
- 5/17: Interview: Penguin Prison
- 5/16: Interview: Brian Regan
- 5/15: Richard Davies (Cardinal) Interviewed by Archie Moore
- 5/11: Interview: Horse Feathers' Justin Ringle
- 5/10: Reflections on a Conversation with Mickey Avalon
- 5/9: Inside the STYLELINER
- 5/8: The Politics of Mastodon
- 5/4: Preview: Mucca Pazza @ The Kennedy Center's "Look Both Ways" Festival
God loves a cheerful giver.
well done sirs