Brightest Young Things

In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket is an advice column by Andrew Bucket. If you need advice on anything in the world, email your dilemmas to Unclebucketadvice@gmail.com by Tuesday morning.

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1. ACK!

Dear Uncle Bucket,
I'm hopelessly in love with my ex. It's been five years since we broke up and I want him back (I didn't do the dumping). I feel like he's the man for me (and I've dated/slept around/etc. enough to try the other fish in the sea). I can't get him out of my head. I even stopped talking to him for a year or so but it didn't last. He called it off because he didn't like the distance (he's 500 miles away) but we talk all the time, pretty much every day. He's been telling me for years that he'll move to DC and get his shit straightened out but well he hasn't.  If he ever asked me to I'd move to his lame town, he's just never asked. I've tried to quit him cold turkey and it's never worked. I'm in love. Give it to me straight Uncle Bucket - am I a dumbass?

-never gonna give him up

p.s. I should mention he has a girlfriend. He complains about her a lot but still, he's got a gf.

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NGGHU,

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- did you just hyperlink your signature to take me to Rick Astley's 1987 music video for Never Gonna Give You Up....? I am astounded, I mean, I haven't heard that song in a REALLY long time. For you to just bring it up like that is a spontaneous combustion of hilarious referential humor.

I may have to use that if I am ever, ohh I dunno, on a message board and the topic of thread has worn moot. I could just misleadingly post that video as a segue or something.

Oooh! I have a better idea-- I could also use Rick Astley's 1987 music video for Never Gonna Give You Up as a prank for when everybody on the message board is looking for a certain hot-topic picture or video. I could dubiously link it to say its the nude picture of Larry the Cable Guy that everyone is talking about...

NUDE PICTURE OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY

but everybody on the internet will be VERY disappointed (but a little tickled) when it is only Rick Astley's 1987 music video for Never Gonna Give You Up. I'll call this little trick Astley Ack!-ing. Tell your friends about this thing I made up. It'll really be an unstoppable online prank. Make sure to explain to your victim that they've been Astley Ack!-ed.

Sorry, so you are not even enjoying the spoils of being a mistress--no NSA hook-ups, no sleazy emails, no drunk-yet-spellbinding-texty-declarations of love-- vexting? (not to be confused with drunk-and-age-innapropriate-texty-declarations of lust--- Molexting)

Babe, you're not even Kirstie Alley in Look Who's Talking-- you could be dancing with J. Travolt' on the side while waiting for the unavilable dude to leave his woman...

Forealio, one of a couple things is happening, but they both have the same remedy:

1. This guy is keeping you in his pocket because he has some future--maayybbe--plans to move to DC if he gets sacked or dumped or if his life is somehow otherwise ruined. But for right now, 500 miles is a long distance even for people who ADMIT to loving each other, so naturally he has an every-day girlfriend, and keeps you on an emotional leash as if for the long haul.

If so, you're getting played like Sega CD, see below for what to do:

but first:

2. You might just be kidding yourself. You said all you've done is "date around" and "sleep around" as if you were just snacking instead of actually making dinner. Instead of moving on to the next level of your life, you're hanging around telling yourself this guy is gonna come back eventually and you can just pick up where you left off.

But you won't! Even if he comes back, that shit is NOT gonna be the same. It's been 5 years since you BROKE UP! When did you meet like 1996? Do you know how different he probably is? How different you are, even though you don't realize prolly.

My god, 5 years ago I wanted to be a fucking poet! And I was dead-poet-society-serious about it and had plans for an MFA and all that narcissitic, academic, fart-breathing. My dream was to do a seminar with Louise Gluck.

I have about .01% of the same interest in doing that now. Only 5 years later I'm writing an advice column about David Duchovny (see below). So that means during your relationship--whatever gay little parallel lines you saw your lives moving in back then are as deviated as my septum.

THE REMEDY:

Confess all. Profess all. Digress all.

Tell him everything about how you feel, what you want, how long you've felt like this. Then ask him straight up if he feels the same way.

No altimatums, you don't really have the right to give one. But you do have the right to ask if he shares your feelings.

If he does, say now or never, and mean it. Because if he feels like you do and doesn't do something about it then he's a coward and an asshole.

If he doesn't then you can move the fuck on, and tell this chowder-hole to have a nice life getting fat wherever 500 miles from DC is.

hope it goes well,

Unc.

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2. Old Hat

Dear Uncle B,

Who should my new favorite cult actor be. I'm tired of everyone talking about Jeff Goldblum all the time. When I bring him up now, there's nothing unique about it. Everybody just fucking looooves Goldblum.

love,

Malcolm

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Dear Malcolm,

I know what you mean. I've had similar feelings of anxiety when I talk about Jeff Goldblum. Though J.G is STILL good for chatting up stupid girls, one feels a little cheap in doing so. It's kind of like saying you love Bill Murray.... only not quite as immature.

If I may submit for your approval, my latest cult actor darling:

DAVID DUCHOVNY

AND NOW....

THE LIFE AND TIMES!!!:

College:

Princeton- class of '82 with a B.A in Literature w/

--honorable mention for his poems from the American Academy of Poets, a highly prestigious award for someone who only wrote verse about the legend of Sasquatch.

--his senior thesis was titled The Schizophrenic Critique of Pure Reason in Beckett's Early Novels-- though no member of the Princeton faculty would grade the paper, citing it as "too smart, even for us."

Yale-- completed a Masters of Arts, and began a Ph.D but never finished his thesis titled Magic and Technology in Contemporary Poetry and Prose.

.......................................

Acting:

1991: TWIN PEAKS

Appears as transvestite FBI agent Deniss/Denise Bryson on the show which needs no touting-- T.P, created by D.L.

A good role for the sensitive, and unmistakably hetero Duchovny. Plays well off of Agent Cooper's bhuddist vibe of acceptance and pragmatism. One of the msot memorable characters of the series, really.

1991: The Applegate Affair

Appears as a scum-bag named Bruce in the classic Applegate romp, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

Though a minor role, Duchovny exudes the New Jersey jerk-off vibe perfectly. Also, this sleeper hit of a 90s teen comedy is exactly what you want to stumble upon. Ripe with "THAT GUY!" moments, you'll be IMDBing till the weed runs out.

The dishes are done, man!

1993: The Truth Is Out There

plays the unforgettable FBI agent Fox "Spooky" Mulder on X-Files, a cult-hit-sci-fi-show that I can assure you holds up to anything out today. Also, do you know how hot Agent Scully is?--- and it's on netflix. Sup.

2007-present: RHCP < D. Duchov'

Plays novelist/father/husband Hank Moody on the shockingly good Showtime series Californication. Overcoming a wonky title (over which they were sued by RHCP, not kidding), and a-boob-shot-a-minute skinemax-esque emplotment--- this show is thick with real, though asburd characters (supporting characters are just as good), not mentioning a pretty modern narrative about love and family that is very sweet and also compelling. The show is smart enough that you aren't entirely wasting your time, and sexy enough that you don't feel like an art-fag.

The finale of season 3 is enough to ruin your plans for the day because you will be THAT emotional.

So, I hope you enjoyed reading about one of today's best actors.

Bucket

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3. Mother

Dear Uncle Bucket,

My mother is always on my case about this or that like my job, my lovelife, the state of my apartment when she visits,  even though I'm 27. I mean, that's crazy right?

What should I say to her so she'll let me live my life without her big nose in it...

stressed

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Dear Stressed,

You shouldn't say anything. You should turn your phone off and go to the store and buy this stuff:

1 mango

(not THAT mango, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah)

2 tomatoes

1 bunch cilantro

1 container of lime juice (bottle is better)

1-2 jalepenos

1 yellow and 1 orange pepper

Because today you are going to make a delicious home-made salsa.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Because when friends come over and you serve a home-made salsa, it looks really cool. Anybody can buyyyyy a jar of salsa, but if you made it yourself you are just like , SO cool.

SO, once you buy that stuff, go home and

get a big bowl, your sharpest kitchen knife, and your cutting board:

1.

dice the tomatoes--which means chop them into wedges, and then chop them end to end in small pieces. It's ok if your tomatoes are kinds sloppy when you chop them. Take all that slop and all those pieces and

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!

2.

chop half the orange and yellow peppers into fine little bits, the smaller the better, then you

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!

3.

chop the cilantro stems as finely as possible, but tear the leaves into slightly larger pieces. They look nice when they're all floating around their in tact. Like lilly pads. So then you

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!!

4.

Ok, cutting a mango is hard and you'll waste it if you don't know what to do--

peel the mango in that swirly way that Meg Ryan does an apple in Sleepless in Seattle, which means start at the top and just peel it like a curly fry all the way to the bottom. Don't worry if you leave little green spots behind, but you want to cut as little of the meat off as possible.

Once the mango is peeled all the way, sit it standing up long ways and hack pieces off. Itll be a little hard towards the middle and thats ok, in fact thats good. Hack pieces off until it seems like theres nothing left to hack.

Now dice all those pieces up, into small lil pieces and

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!

5.

***DONT TOUCH YOUR EYES OR BALLS WHEN HANDLING PEPPERS--wash yr hands or feel the pain***

Cut the stem off your jalepeno way up at the top.

Then cut it into little circles down to the bottom.

Cut each little circle into 4-6 pieces

take the pieces of pepper, and take the seedy middle part and

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!

6.

generously coat everything in lime juice doing a few tablespoons at a time until it is to tastse. I like a lot of lime juice in there, but some people like a hint of lime.

then mix it around with spoon.

You should get something that looks like this:

You might be asking: Bucket, why didn't you put any onions in there?

Well, I'm of the opinion that onions are for cheaters. It's like so easy to make something flavorful when you use onion, but honestly its more interesting without it.

Same thing with garlic, people just load their food with garlic when they get nervous about how it tastes. Boooorrrinnngggg. Fuck garlic.

******BONUS*******

if you are really adventurous, get a half-pound of raw shrimp. Steam them till they are pink (if you dont have a steamer, put a sheet of tin foil over a pot of water and make sure theres room for the shrimp to be under the lid, then poke holes in the foil. Throw the unpeeled raw shrimp on there and put a lid on it for like 10-15 minutes or until they look pink and normal.)

peel the cooked shrimp, and chopped them up kinda small but not too small. Then throw THEM in the bowl, add some more lime juice, and you are in fucking business. But watch out cuz some people are allergic to shellfish. They could die.

*********BONUS OUT************

anyway, I hope you enjoy making this salsa and effectively telling you mother to "go fly a kite."

uncle Buckton

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Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor at BYT and would LOVE to read your questions and answer them for everyone to see, but will always keep you anonymous, and give you the care and attention that you deserve, while interspersing earnest advice with silly humor and improvisational slang.

send em on down to unclebucketadvice@gmail.com

Previously in In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket:

• 7/7: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 6/16: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column For Big Prolumns)
• 6/2: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column?)
• 5/26: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 5/19: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 5/12: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/28: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/21: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/14: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)