Brightest Young Things

In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket is an advice column by Andrew Bucket. If you need advice on anything in the world, email your dilemmas to Unclebucketadvice@gmail.com by Tuesday morning.

1. AA, my my.

Dear Uncle Bucket,

I've been feeling like making some changes in my lifestyle, more specifically regarding my drinking. I go out to bars a lot and blacking out is not uncommon for me. I've also been spending way too much money. It just disappears!

I had been toying with the idea of going to an AA meeting and when I told my roommate about it he launched into this insane tirade about religion and what not, and he made me watch an episode of South Park about it.

I'll admit that South Park made some good points but still he was messed up for making me feel stupid about trying to change my lifestyle. He said my drinking wasn't even close to the level of the people that go there. I'm not sure what the minimum degree of alcoholism for AA is (not trying to be funny about it, but come on!)

do you think I need a 12 step thing, or is it excessive. Is my roommate out of line?

Girl likes ug-chaying

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Hey Glug,

Well, last month I read the autobiographies of Slash and Anthony Kiedis. I can tell you that (if these stories are even 70% true) there have never been two more prolific substance abusers than them. Say what you will about Bukowski or whatever. Slash wins. He also loses. I mean, he wins and loses, in a bicameral way.

It's hard to say whether he should have gone to AA or not though. He was drinking a gallon of vodka a day but played the solo on November Rain flawlessly--every time. He was the only member of the band who consistently showed up for practice and shows. He also wrote most of their songs.

Twelve step groups are not like yoga classes--you don't just dip into them on Monday afternoon when it feels like you got reverse-tama-hawk-dunked into a hoop of self-abuse--no, these groups are like joining the Army. When you walk through the door you say

"ok, the life I led before will be entirely different now because I am absolutely powerless against this beverage. If I consume this beverage my life will fall apart so I need new friends, and a daily conference with my new friends who will applaud me every single day that I don't drink this beverage...and oh, yea, we're gonna pray a lot and talk about God allllll the time."

So, is your drinking that intense? Does your life start to unravel as soon as you have a sip of hooch? Do you skip work because you're drunk or hungover? It doesn't sound like it.

My opinion is that you're a party ho, but not an alcoholic. You need to wear more sweaters and stop hanging with guys named Ryan or Brian. Also, stop drinking beer.

Also, stop going "to bars."

If you really feel bad about yourself for pounding kamikazes, or red headed sluts, or whatever your set is doing over at The Rhino--then try going to some nightlife events that aren't entirely focused on booze-houndry. Because indulging in anything, even heavily, is only bad if it fucks your life up. Sure MAYBE you could be doing something more productive, but so what. Who cares if you aren't 100% as productive as you SHOULD be (according to who, dad?) I mean, you have to walk around in your own skin, listening to your own stupid ideas all day-- so if you need to get knackered to deal with all that, then go for it, and forget about appearances.

But if it makes you feel like a loser, or like you are just wasting your life--then yeah make some changes.

That doesn't mean you have to QUIT DRINKING AND ADMIT YOU'RE AND ADDICT!!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!,

it just means: try drinking differently.

Substances are most destructive when they OCCUPY your time instead of FORTIFYING it. They can be an exclamation point, but shouldn't be an ellipses. They can be italics, but shouldn't be a whole font change. Same goes for wellness-- it doesn't have to be a huge overhaul.

**about your roommate's lament on God and AA:

There's not really much of a moral argument regarding the religious stuff. I feel like if people are so helpless with their drinking and have all this self-hate wrapped up inside, then if anybody needs to get into to religion it is probably them---because while modern post-theistic thought is both freeing and intellectually fulfilling, without being self-assured you can easily get into one of those funks of anxiety/fear/loneliness because you don't believe in Grandma's jingo-jango anymore.

Sure, Christopher Hitchens is smarter than basically everyone but imagine being a wastoid, pathetic drunk and having him say to you "oh grow up! there's nobody out there who cares!" Or worse, that these so called moments of clarity, or reception of a divine message to get sober are just delirious misapprehensions.

Also, IN REALITY, I have been to AA meetings and NA meetings before (I just needed a place I could finally be anonymous) and I can tell you this:

we are talking about the most cursory, surface version of Christianity possible. It is literally reduced to an opening/closing prayer which are merely bookends for the most vile, lewd, upsetting, and wholly amazing stories about the descent into addiction. It' like The Autobiography of Slash: The Live Show!

AA is to Christianity as Yes! Organic is to environmentalism. It's a good shtick and it suits their demographic. But its just a bunch of words on a sign.

Your roommate is right to notice that you probably don't need a 12 step program. However, he's obnoxious and sophomoric for launching into one of these "eye h8 god" kind of speeches.

What it sounds like is your body is telling you to chill out. Instead of a 12 step group, ya know, a constant bummer--- you should join a different kind of organization that has nothing to do with boozing or partying and will lend you some happiness without making feel like you were born with the original sin of addiction.

There are obviously a bazillion dumb things to do (fucking book clubs, fucking pottery class, blaaaahhh) but it doesn't matter what you do as long as there a sense of commitment attached to it.

keep coming back,

Uncle Bucket

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2. Snoot At Moot

Bucket,

My brother is obsessed with World of Warcraft. I think he needs help. What can a sista do?

SISTA SISTA

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Sista,

No I think you're trying to be funny by talking about Warcraft. But that's old news and nobody cares about it anymore. Yeah yeah yeah, lots of nerds do it. Some people do it too much. Who cares.

14 other moot things no one smart cares about that boring people bring up to sound thoughtful:

1.LARPing (its like Warcraft but funnier, guys)

2. The Internet (guys, viral vids! wow! what does it say about america!?)

3. The Effects of the Internet (guys, how will kids be different?!)

4. Buying Locally (farmers markets > whole foods, guys)

5. Being Gay (the new being Black, guys.)

6. Obama (guys, is he good? is he bad? WE DONT KNOW!)

7. Why Soy is Bad (its really processed guys)

8. Hipsters (sociology of, guys)

9. BYT (as in: " guys what do you think of BYT? I mean...looks like it's gonna be here a while")

10. Sociology (I just love people watching guys.)

11. Good Beer (guys, why buy lots of beer for the party when you can buy a six pack?)

12. The Old Times (remember guys?)

13. The Universe (its not so cool to be Christian guys, but I'm still afraid of hell, so I'll say "I'm spiritual" and just be Christian later)

14. Fame (I'm gonna live forever, guys.)

<3,

Bucket

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3. Human Meat.

my name is mr james

i am a black american based in nigeria. i have been a cannibal gent for the past 4 years. i transport blacks from africa to every country with assurance. <

i have so many people who  are tired of life so all i have to do is just  advise them to be cannibalised  and they alway agree.
all  so all you have to do is just for you to send there money for visa which is very little and all you jut have to do is just wait and recieve them with honor

thanks regards

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Dear Mr James,

Thanks for your email.

I guess the real root of your dilemma is how on earth the people will be able to get to me after they have been cannibalized.

As you know, if they are eaten by other people (by you?) in an act of cannibalism, then they will most likely suffer injuries, if not death, that will prevent them from making to our shores-- that is, after having traveled through the treacherous underground of human trafficking.

I'm not sure that even the little money you think it requires to get them here will be able to stave off the sheer deathy-ness of an encounter with cannibals. As you may have gathered in your exploits, cannibalism is the act of one human eating another human. Unless the eating is one while the victim is alive, there is no way for a person to really survive that kind of an affair.

Furthermore, if they are tired of life and have agreed to be cannibalized, they probably don't have much of an interest in obtaining a Visa.

Just food for thought. OOPS did I say food? NOT HUMANSS!!! :)

yours

uncle bucket

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4. QUICKFIRE!

1. Dear Uncle Bucket,

How do I teach my kid to fight without him wanting to try it out right away?

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You don't teach him to fight, you teach him to win when attacked. Teach him to duck and counter with blows until attacker is down. Then leave.

*************

2. Uncle Bucket,

What's the best Dad poem ever? I want to read it on father's day.

**************

Don't read a dad poem, they're all tormented and dubiously layered with Dad hate. You'll never notice it until the words are leaving your mouth and everyone expression changes to sour and confused.

Give a toast recalling something heroic or noble your dad did when you were young.

**************

3. Dear Uncle Bucket,

I compulsively stole an amethyst when I was drunk at a friend's party. I don't even want the thing! How can I sneak it back in and not raise suspicion.

***************

Next time you're over, stuff it in the couch cushion. They'll find it way after the fact and no suspicion will be aroused since your visit will be untimely with them finding it.

***************

THANKS EVERYONE!

Uncle Bucket

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Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor at BYT, and would love to field your questions in a timely manner. Send them in to unclebucketadvice@gmail.com

and thanks everyone for your comments. each comment i receive is one dollar that Tony Cord will donate to Gavin Holland's Cologne Fund.

Previously in In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket:

• 7/7: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 6/9: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column of Sorts)
• 6/2: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column?)
• 5/26: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 5/19: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 5/12: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/28: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/21: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/14: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)