Brightest Young Things

1. Home of the Goodburger

dear uncle bucket

Ok, so I've seen you post stuff about recipes on here before and I was wondering if you knew of something I could make for my vegetarian girlfriend. I like to grill a lot and I hate her having to eat potato salad all day.

best
meat mouth

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Dear Meat Mouth,

At least she isn't a vegan. What an annoying bunch that is. Not because of their politics or philosophies--antiquated as they are-- but try going to a restaurant with one of these sand-pits. They'll order some appetizer salad and when questioned on why they haven't ordered something else they say "oh I can't eat anything here."

Well of course they could eat something there, but fortunately or unfortunately (depends for who) they choose to follow a food religion. For the same reasons priests can't have sex, this morose dinner-goer can't order an entree. Too bad there's no string cheese for them to molest in the men's room, so unlike the priest their plight goes without even a secret respite.

In any case, the vegetarian is a much more flexible person to have dinner with, so good work in your choice of a girlfriend. Now, to help you with your BBQ situation:

The Black Bean Burger w/ chipotle mayo

This one is easier than Glass Joe and is good enough that you may want to make one for yourself.

ingredients:
*two cans of frijoles negros
*one chode size can of Korn
*one bunch of cilantro*
*a lime
*salt N peppa
*one bottle chipotle tabasco**

*You can go to Whole Foods if you want, but if you are interested in saving MOOLAH you should be buying any latin-food related products from a latin market on 14th street called Pan-Am, located across the street from Pho-Viet. This market sells bunches of cilantro for $.65, limes 5 for $1, and about 30 jalepeno peppers for about $2.

**If you aren't stealing this from Chipotle, you need to get a clue Shakespeare.

Ok here goes the instructions. Lucky for you, this is a "throw it in the bowl!" kind of thing.

BEANS:
Take one can of the frijoles negros and strain them. Then wash them in the strainer with that squirty hose on your sink.

THROW EM IN THE BOWL.

Then mash those bad little beans up into a mashy mush. Get in there and get all beany and dirty.

BEANS #2:
Take the second can of frijoles and wash/strain them....BUT WAIT, dont mash em.

THROW EM IN THE BOWL!

Then mix the wholebeans into the beanmash so you have a big mush with a bunch of floaters mixed into it.

KORN:
Hopefully you got that little chode sized korn that has the pop-top. Strain the korn of all that korn water and then

THROW IT THE BOWL!

Mix it all in there so it looks like a bunch of dandylions in a mud pit.

CILANTRO:
Take about 12 sprigs of cilantro and chop the stems very finely, but tear the leaves a little larger.

throw em....in the bowl.

LIME:
Squeeze soma dat lime juice in dere.

in where?

IN THE BOWL!

SALT N PEPPA:

THE BURGER ITSELF:
ok, so lay out some wax paper onto a cookie sheet and sprinkle some corn meal on there. If you don't have corn meal, you can use tortilla chips that you crush up really well (smart huh?) If you use hint of lime Tostitos you get some bonus points, but don't go over board.
Then make patties with the bean mush and get a nice coat of corn meal on both sides. Then you're gonna want to refridgerate those bad little patties for about an hour or so.

CHIPOTLE MAYO:
While your burgers are bustin' a chill, you're gonna make some spicy mayo to put on those thangz.
but ok look, if you are able find chipotle peppers that are NOT dried up, then use those and just chop them very finely and mix em up with some mayonaze. But otherwise, just take some chipotle Tabasco and mix that up with some mayo-- to taste. Spread it on that kaiser roll i forgot to tell you to buy.

FROM CHILLIN >> GRILLIN:

Take those burgers out of the fridge, they're cool already you freak.

But look man, if you just throw these things on the grill, theyre gonna fall apart and then your vegetarded girlfriend is going to be really ticked off. T.O'd. Razzled. Chagrined. Pantaloons in a bundle. Ninnies in a twist. Fussy. Crabby. Pissy. Coppin' a tude. Raising a row. All that shit.

So do yourself a favor and make a little holy mat of tin foil-- you want to poke holes in it because you want a little char on there, know whatta mean Vern?

your uncle

<~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~>

2. Will

dear uncle bucket,

my question for you is this: my grandmother has a ring, an emerald, and i have loved it always. i used to always try it on when I went to her house.

Is there any way to politely approach the subject of her leaving it to me....you know, in her will.... without implying that I want her to die ASAP.

eeeep!

Where Theres a Will...

<~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~>~<~>

Dear W,

Well look, the short and boring answer is to just fawn over the ring all the time. Ask to borrow it for special occasions and always return it right away. She'll get the idea.

But continue reading because there is more to it than that. There are two more ways to handle this kind of dialogue-- This Way, and The Other Way.

1. This Way

You can say to your grandmother:

"I really think you should leave this ring to me, because if you leave it to my sister she'll become desitute and pawn it off to pay her cell phone bill."

"You should leave me this ring because it's green and we were going to bury you in blue..."

"I'll tell you what gran, when you become so weak with old age that you can't bathe youself, I'll give you one sponging off for every carat in this emerald."

"Gran, I've peeled the labels off of your medicine bottles. If you'd like to know which is which, please leave me that emerald ring in your will."

"Gran, you can leave me the emerald in your will, or I can start making cats disappear."

2. The Other Way

You can help your grandmother do things in her old age and be there for her as a friend. Old people have the same problem worldwide: their friends die, all the time. The older they get, the less friends they have. Whats worse is that they are faced with the very real immediacy of death, and it scares them even if they don't show it. She is probably thinking about her will a lot more than you are, and it gets very lonely for the elderly. As a grandchild you have probably been showered with love from that old lady for most of your living memory.

So why don't you pay that back by keeping her company sometimes? An hour a week would mean the world to her I bet, and if she does not live nearby then you should write to her, or call her on the phone. If you call the same time each week, it will give her something to look forward to. Just call her up and tell her everything that is going on in your life, large and small. Ask her advice on things, and tell her you love her. Her life is probably mundane so instead of asking what she's been up to, ask her how she met your grandfather. Ask her about when you were born, and ask her about when she was a kid. You'll treasure these stories, and get to pass them on as you get older.

Do all of this, and maybe you will get that emerald ring. But more importantly you will get to be a tributary of love for someone important to you, at a time in their life that they need it the most.

not a sermon, just a nugg

uncle bucket.

<~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~>

"Andrew Bucket" is a regular contributor at BYT, and will prolly be winding this advice column down in the near future. What started as a lark quickly became the real deal and it was really fun, but certainly not a long-term idea. A person can only say so much without becoming redundant. So in short, look out for the last couple Uncle Buckets, but also look out for new columns and continued writing from me on BYT. Thanks for the great comments and support along the way also. I read every one with great interest.

if you'd like to take the last opportunities to send your questions in, please email unclebucketadvice@gmail.com, and let the good times Grohl.

Previously in In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket:

• 6/16: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column For Big Prolumns)
• 6/9: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column of Sorts)
• 6/2: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column?)
• 5/26: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 5/19: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 5/12: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/28: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/21: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)
• 4/14: In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket (An Advice Column)