Brightest Young Things

all photos:Dakota Fine
all words & imaginary interviews: Jeff Jetton

SEE THIS BIIIIG (way better, we promise)

It's been almost nine years since the September 11th attack on American soil, and we're guessing that many folks haven't figured out their plans to mark the occasion this coming weekend.  Our suggestion: spring for a couple of tickets to see the new great American pastime that is stock car racing.  September 11th falls on a Saturday this year and that means one thing: a night race at Richmond International Raceway.  What better way to celebrate nine years of terror-free living on American soil than with some old-fashioned NASCAR?

BYT recently had a chance to get the inside scoop on why NASCAR is the largest spectator sport in the world and what makes the fans and the drivers tick.  Oh yeah, and also we had ten bucks riding on whether we could get a brightestyoungthings decal on the side of a NASCAR.

You might recall the first in our two part series, where we were unfortunately rained out down in Martinsville.  Undeterred, we made our way up to Dover International Raceway for a second attempt at giving you the NASCAR jones.  The track at Dover is exactly one mile long; technically this means that it is neither a superspeedway nor a short track. The speedway surface is concrete; most NASCAR track surfaces are asphalt (Dover was at one time an asphalt track, however; it wasn't until the mid-1990s that the asphalt surface was replaced with concrete).

At the last NASCAR event we were fortunate enough to catch up with Max Papis, and this time the racing Gods were again on our side.  It just so happened that Joey Logano, the wunderkind of stock car, was milling about his No. 20 Home Depot ride, chatting with his crew.  He took a few minutes out of his pre-race schedule to speak with us.***

BYT: Joey, being this young and this successful has to, how can I put this lightly, fuck you up.  I am going to go out on a limb and say it, man, that most people at your age just aren't ready for the trials and tribulations of fame and fortune.  Macaulay Culkin, Kobe Bryant, Freddy Adu, Corey Haim, the Olsen twins.  The list is long and frightening of those who've lived too fast, too young.  What's going to set you apart?  How do you plan on keeping yourself grounded.

Joey Logano: I've really tried to model my career after, you know... you see what Billy Ray has done with Miley [Cyrus], just raising her in the right environment, giving her that loving relationship and really being there every step of the way.  That's the way I want to be handled.  You're right, I don't know everything there is to know and I'm not claiming to.  I will be the first to admit that I benefit greatly from the gentle caress of a father figure.

Joey Logano: I think family is so important and mine is there every step of the way, guiding my career, keeping watch to make sure things don't get out of hand.  Sometimes it's a little too much, I mean, I come from a really close-knit Italian American family and my mother and I have a really close relationship.  There are some folks who say it's a little too close, but you can't live your life according to what the naysayers think.

BYT: Let's talk for a moment about the struggles you've faced as the first openly homosexual NASCAR driver (++++).  What 'drove' the decision for you to come out of the closet?

Joey Logano: I know where this question is leading.  What you're looking to hear is that moving to North Carolina from Middletown, Connecticut was a shock.  A real eye-opener for my family and me.  You want to hear that the fans and the drivers are a bunch of hillbilly, philistine hate-mongers.  You want that my experience moving to North Carolina wasn’t unlike when Miley Cyrus first moved to L.A. and just wanted to go back to her hometown of Nashville because everything was so terrifying and surreal and uncomfortable:

The truth, though, is most certainly stranger than fiction.  I just haven't come across the rampant homophobia that I was expecting to find in the South and in NASCAR.  It's actually been quite a smooth process.  The other drivers have been pretty welcoming and the fans, they could care less who I'm sleeping with.

Joey Logano: I mean look at the statistics, I've only had one win in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series since turning pro in 2008 and I'm a fan favorite every year.  You think that's because they love Home Depot?  I don't.  NASCAR fans honestly don't have a problem with an openly gay driver.  Much to the chagrin of the media, trust me.  You guys want a big 'triumph under adversity' story like you see during the Olympics.  It's just basically a non-issue.  In fact, if you consider that roughly nine percent of the general population is gay, you gotta figure there are others among the professional motorsport ranks that are gay, too.  I wouldn't be surprised to see the floodgates really open in the next one to two years and several guys follow my lead.

Joey Logano: Now if you're asking the specifics of how I came out, it's a pretty typical story.  I was introduced to one of the guys on Michael Waltrip's pitcrew through a mutual friend.  We'd seen each other at a few qualifying events, I mean, it's not a huge circle of people that are in the inner workings of stock car racing.  I'd seen this guy and thought he was pretty cute.  We ended up at a bbq at Clint Bowyer's lakehouse in Kansas and just completely hit it off.  We both are into Hannah Montana and The Brak Show, anything Adult Swim or Cartoon Network really.  And obviously we both love racing of any kind.

Joey Logano: So we just started hanging out more and more often, you know how it goes.  I think what drew me to that particular relationship, though, was the excitement and thrill of possibly being caught.  Does that make sense?  It was almost as if I wanted to be outed in a dramatic fashion.  It's funny, we had these codes that we'd use when we were around one another.  Just our little secret sign language that nobody else knew besides the two of us.  I'd be warming up, getting ready for my race or sometimes it was during the National Anthem, something like that, and he'd be communicating to me with his hands behind his back (see below).

Joey Logano: Somebody over at the blog Gaytona.com got wind that something was going on, I still don't know how they found out.  Maybe they figured our down-low codes or something or maybe somebody told them.  They approched my PR folks with a story that they were about to go to print with.  You know how there are those transcendant moments in life that you'll forever remember where you were and what you were doing?  Like when the planes hit the twin towers or when JFK was shot or when Miley Cyrus did that stripper pole dance at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards.  It was one of those moments.  I was at home, reading US Weekly's Stars: They're Just Like Us [ed. note: they really are just like us.] and I got a text from Heather Kincel over at Home Depot that just said 'Joey, cat's out of the bag!' and I instantaneously knew.  This wave of relief settled over me, I wasn't worried or angry, just relieved.  That proverbial cat really wanted out of that proverbial bag.

BYT: Let's talk about Dover.  Last year you were the center of a horrific wreck here.  Is that weighing heavily on your mind today?

Joey Logano: Not at all.  What the average person doesn't understand is that those crashes are coordinated by the big NASCAR bosses upstairs.  Every time you witness a, what did you call it, a 'horrific' wreck, months of preparation went into crash coreography.  As spectators, you only witness the tip of the iceberg.  They've been juryrigging those bustups since Bill [France Sr.] started NASCAR in the 40's.

Joey Logano: It's like pro wrestling: why do you think they call it 'sports entertainment'? Nobody would watch WWE if it were just two oiled-up guys in Speedos pinning each other to the mat.  I mean, I would, but your average fan wouldn't.  All of those high-flying, dare-devil stunts and moves that you see on television take hundreds of hours to perfect so that nobody gets hurt.  NASCAR is no different.  You think it's just coincidence that there is a spectacular wreck in almost every race, yet people rarely get hurt?

BYT: But what about Dale [Earnhardt Sr.]?

Joey Logano: I'm not saying it's not dangerous.  But so is any sport.  Dale is a good example of... there's an old saying that goes: the best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley, which literally translates to: the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.  He took calculated risks like we all do.  The way I see it, that was the day that God called his number.  Sad, but true.

BYT: That's fascinating...

Joey Logano: Shit, look at Owen Hart of World Wrestling Entertainment.  Do you know how many times they probably practiced that stage entrance from the rafters? A lot.  And he still ended up dead. Even Olympic diving.  Remember when Greg Louganis hit his head on the springboard in '88 in Seoul?  I mean, I wasn't even born yet, but Greg is such a personal hero of mine and his accident just highlights the point that things can go wrong in any sport.  The crashes, though, those are premeditated, they add to the excitement.  We all have to do it and every once in a while it's my turn.  Last year at Dover was my draw (chuckles). So yeah, I'm fairly confident that I'll be safe from a wreck today, thanks (winks).

BYT: We usually ask this in interviews, which metal bands are the biggest pussies?

Joey Logano: Pardon me? It's kind of loud out here, please repeat the question.

BYT: Right, sorry, which metal bands are the biggest pussies?

Joey Logano: Okay, that's what I thought you said, but I wasn't sure.  Honestly, I'm not particularly qualified to answer that question.  I don't listen to metal.  Heck, all these other guys out here listen to country music and that kind of stuff, but I'll tell you what's in my ipod these days is a great deal of Arvo Part.  He's an Estonian classical composer.

Joey Logano: Cantus in Memoriam Benjamin Britten is constantly on repeat, especially when I'm driving.  Always when I'm driving.  It drives the guys nuts.  So really I have no frame of reference for metal.  If you want to know who I think the biggest pussy in classical music is, well that's simple: Phillip Glass.  Although I respect his score for the film The Fog of War.

BYT: Driver Mark Martin, who was driving for Roush at the time, called you "the real deal". When you were fifteen, Martin said "I am high on Joey Logano because I am absolutely, 100-percent positive, without a doubt that he can be one of the greatest that ever raced in NASCAR. I'm positive. There's no doubt in mind".  How do you live up to that kind of hype?

Joey Logano: Martin was crushing pretty hard, wasn't he?  I always thought it was funny that he drives for Viagra.  Look, I'm flattered, that's a very nice thing to say, but I was 15-years old at the time, only a schoolboy, I just had to ignore it and concentrate on my development.

BYT: Joey Logano, it's been a pleasure, good luck today.

And with that, right on cue, the crowd fell silent, the crews lined up...

...the National Anthem started, fighter jets roared across the sky, and 100,000 people united in patriotic harmony, adoring freedom and everything that this young Democracy stands for...

Oops, sorry, wrong pictures...

The official NASCAR chaplain was brought out and prayers were said (literally, Christian prayers; no Judaism, no Islam, not even a Buddhist chant, just good, clean Christian prayers)...

...and gentlemen did as gentleman do: started their engines.

It was loud.  Really loud.  Loud in that kind of way where it's so awesomely, amazingly loud that you need to run to the concession stand and buy some earplugs.  And when the ears are plugged it's still pretty crushingly loud in an awesomely muted kind of way.  Does that help?

And then the cars go around in a circle 400 times.  That's it.  Just a circle.  Four hundred times.  Around.  And around.  And around again.  357 more times.  You get the idea.  Occasionally they stop for a re-up on fuel and tires...

Which, admittedly, is pretty damn cool, especially when you're fifteen feet away and there are dudes all over the car pulling shit off, putting things on, yelling, and that ridiculous pneumatic drill is zip, zip, zipping away...

But that' doesn't happen very often.  Mostly it's just a bunch of cars constantly going around a circle.  Constantly. You don't want to see that.  We're not going to show you the racing, it's not really that exciting.  We'd rather turn the lens around and point it from the track outwards.  At the fans.

Because NASCAR has the. best. people-watching. EVER.

And before you know it, some guy named Kurt Busch takes the checkered flag and celebrates by pulling burnies all over the track.

And just as quickly as they came, everyone went home.  And by home we mean they sat in their cars in the parking lot for two hours of horrible congestion.  So ironic that one spends three hours watching cars drive 200 miles per hour and then spend two hours sitting stationary in a car.

But the winners don't go home.  They pop champagne or drink milk or whatever beverage is poured when NASCAR victories are had.  And then they come talk about their winnings to the press.  This particular race was won by Kyle Busch for Joe Gibbs Racing sponsored by M&M/Mars and the mysterious Mars Family.  We caught up with the entire lot of them after the race starting with former Washingtonian Joe Gibbs.**

BYT: Hello Mr. Gibbs, Jeff Jetton from Brightestyoungthings.com here, we're a publication out of Washington D.C.  Many of our readers know you from your days coaching the Washington Redskins and are probably unaware of your role as owner of a very successful racing team.  Just one quick question for you.

Joe Gibbs: Go right ahead, always happy to oblige folks from the DMV.

BYT: Has anyone ever told you that with those shades on you look a bit like the Warden from O Brother Where Art Thou?

Joe Gibbs: I get that a lot.

BYT: Thank you Joe Gibbs.

Race winnner Kyle Busch was next on the podium.*

BYT: Hello Kyle, Jeff from Brightestyoungthings.com here, you just won the Autism Speaks 400 sponsored by Hershey Milk & Milkshakes, but you're heavily sponsored by M&M/Mars Co.   Do you find that to be a conflict of interest?

Kyle Busch: Not at all.  I'm an M&M guy.  Personally, I'm pretty into the new ones with pretzels inside.  I just really like the way they taste, the savory of the pretzel really complements the sweetness of the chocolate in just the right way.  I haven't found that type of product in the Hershey line.  I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm just satisfied by what the Mars family is putting out there.

BYT: Which brings me to the next question.  Last year M&Ms put out two limited edition flavors, Coconut and Strawberried Peanut Butter.

BYT: Were you partial to either of those two?  We must admit it's nerve racking when a company puts out a delicious product for a limited time only.  Case in point being the McRib and the Shamrock Shake from McDonald's.  Are there plans to bring Coconut M&Ms to the public on a permanent basis?

Kyle Busch: Let's get one thing straight here, the Research and Development team at the Mars Corporation rivals that of any NASCAR R&D group.  Those guys are constantly cooking up new stuff that blows my mind.  Hell, I had an M&M coated in actual gold dust and filled with beluga caviar and truffle oil last week.  I tell you, that went down like greased lightning.  Basically, the boys throw a bunch of stuff against the wall and see what sticks.  If the public likes coconut M&Ms then they'll keep it on the list.  My suggestion would be to buy as many bags of them as possible.  Vote with your wallet.

BYT: You make a compelling case.  Perhaps we'll start stockpiling.  Congratulations on winning the race today.  What are you going to do to celebrate?

Kyle Busch: Aside from eating M&M’s?  I’ll probably have a glass of wine after this press conference and start memorizing the track layout of next week’s course and planning my driving strategy.  Every week we travel to a new city with a different circuit and I have to meticulously study the ins and outs to have a competitive advantage over the other drivers.  It's not unlike a defensive end studying the offensive plays of his rivals or a professional golfer watching tapes of the next course he's going to play.  It's a lot of strategy.

BYT: Wait, aren’t all NASCAR tracks circular?

Kyle Busch: Hmm, I never thought about it like that, but yes.

Kyle Busch, Joey Logano and a host of other drivers will be down in Richmond for the Air Guard 400 this Saturday evening.  You can get tickets here.  You kind of owe it to your country to be there.  In fact, if you don't go see NASCAR, the terrorists win.

+++disclaimer: all interviews are fictional. gotcha!+++++

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)