Brightest Young Things

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GRINDR. It’s not only become an integral part of the gay community, but it’s also an object of intense fascination for the straight community. My girlfriends squeal with excitement upon discovering how it works. “Wait, you can do what? How close is he? Hit him up, see if he’ll send you a picture!” I swear even some of my straight boys are more GRINDR literate than I am – which isn’t that hard considering you just have to think like a man. So, the following should come as no surprise. A couple weeks ago, while cooking dinner with one of my friends and his wife, he abruptly stopped chopping onions, looked up at me, and said, “What if you started interviewing guys off GRINDR?” Oh lord. We had been bouncing around ideas for the last couple days for a new column and this is where it had gotten us. “Really? I don’t know, it sounds kind of ridiculous.” Needless to say, they both though it was a fantastic idea. “You know, it could be a really great way of highlighting guys in the District. ‘Get to know your community’ type of thing.” Ok, so this was starting to sound more interesting.

Now in theory this sounded like a good idea, but the actual reality of it was a lot more awkward...

“Hey”

“Hey stud, you’re cute.”

“Yeah thanks. Listen, do you want to meet up….I’d like to interview you.”

There was just no way to be smooth about this. Thankfully, in person, I’m incredibly awkward – I literally revel in awkward. Now, with any hopes of ‘looking cool’ firmly put to rest, it was a matter of going out and making it happen. For whatever reason, I decided this was most appropriate to do on my first visit to the National Zoo. What immediately surprised me was how many guys were close by. Really? Who knew the zoo was such a hot bed of activity?

Turns out it was much easier than I thought, and two day later “Jamesson” and I met at Jolt ‘N Bolt for my first official interview. For the next hour and a half, we covered everything from music to politics to relationships. As a 29 year old Christian Republican African-American, “Jamesson” proved to be quite interesting…and by that, I mean wildly outrageous. The following is an excerpt of what took place:

Alexander: Alright, let’s get this started. First question, if you where stuck on a desert island and could only have one cocktail for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Jamesson: Oooooo…it would probably be a mudslide because if I was stuck there by myself, I wouldn't be worried about  my weight because I wouldn't be drinking with skinny bitches like I normally do. So it would be a mudslide because I could weigh 900 pounds and not have a care in world.

Alexander: Right there with you.  Now since you are not on an island by yourself, what would you say your best dating tip is?
Jamesson: Be yourself. You don't want to be 6 months into a relationship with somebody and you've been putting on this farce, and suddenly they find out they don't really like who you are. Just be yourself. It's the only way you can truly get to know somebody and get them to know you. You have to be comfortable with yourself. That's what people are drawn to, confidence, and you can't be confident if you're being somebody else.

Alexander: I think there’s a lot to be said for that. So spill, what was your most awkward first date?

Jamesson: This one time I had too many drinks and my date dared me to moon the waiter at the restaurant, and I actually did it. I don't think he thought I was crazy enough to go through with it. After I did, there was a definite change in the tone of the date because he was like 'Wow, this dude is absurd!' It got pretty awkward after that to say the least. So yeah, mooning the waiter on a first date is not a good look on anybody so…well, you live and you learn.

Alexander: [stifling my giggles] Now in terms of music, what's your song du jour? What song can you just not get enough of at the moment?
Jamesson: Easy, it's Nick Minaj's 'Stupid Hoe' [cackles]. I just love it! She's almost a parody of herself at this point. I just like how ridiculous it is, she's mocking the industry. It's got a nasty baseline, and a nasty beat. You can shake your ass to it. Every time I hear it I become a hoodrat ghetto bitch that can't pop it hard enough.

Alexander: Amen! Now finish this sentence for me, “In 2012, I'd like to see…”
Jamesson: I would like to see Obama not reelected. I would like to see Chanel's spring line from the front row. I would like to see gas go lower than 3 dollars, a better more fit me, our congress being able to actually get things passed, and I would like to see a low carb pizza that actually tastes good.

Alexander: Who would you rather, Demi Moore in rehab (supposedly - wink wink) or Anna Nicole Smith in rehab?
Jamesson: Oh gosh, so it's like old or fat.  Well I guess I would rather be Demi Moore because, at least, she was sleeping with Ashton Kutcher and who would turn that down? She doesn't weigh 900 lbs, she doesn't have an annoying voice, and she actually had a legit career. So if it's between the two, I'm going with Demi because that bitch used to eat & serve, and serve & eat in her day.

Alexander: Speaking of eating and serving, what would you consider the best bite in DC?
Jamesson: Pica Taco. It's the best bite because it's authentic, it's cheap as hell, and it's good greasy hangover food. You can go in with $9 and eat for two days. They know what time it is when you walk in the door. They serve you up some delicious treats. It's not Zatinya, it's not Oyamel, but bitch for $9 you can go in there and get your damn life. Oh, that and Yum's! I forgot Yum's. Go in there and get wings fried hard with some mumbo sauce. You got two answers for the price of one. Boom, there you go.

Alexander: Who inspires you?
Jamesson: Whoopi Goldberg [erupts in laughter]. Seriously though, Ghandi because I love a humanist. Somebody who's trying to help people and make everyone's experience on this rock we call earth better. Who's making a change and a difference. Who's picking up people up by their bootstraps, giving them a kick in the ass, and saying 'You can do better. You can be better.' Like he said, 'Be the change you want to see.' I'm all over that.

What would be your ideal vacation?
Jamesson: I really want to go burn down Tokyo. I know most people love sandy beaches, but I'm a metropolitan bitch. The fact that that many people can live in that small of a space and not kill each other is just amazing to me. Their culture, their fashion, and their aesthetic is ultimately so appealing. It's something that I want to experience up close and personal.

Alexander: What was your last good read?
Jamesson: "My last good read was this bitch at the club who was laughing and mocking me and my group of friends. I called her out on it, got in her face, cursed her out from here to Tuscaloosa and back, and then sent her home crying.  She could not even pull herself together enough to go back in the club. She had to go home and cry it out. But, if you mean books, well…I don't read.

I left Jolt ‘N Bolt in high spirits – I had tons of material, and my cheeks were sore from laughing so much. ‘This, is going to be fun” I thought with a smirk. Considering how effortlessly my first interview had gone, I couldn’t help but wonder where ensuing interviews were going to take me. My mind started populating the list of possible characters I might encounter and I started laughing to myself. This was going to be very interesting. Suddenly this city seemed a lot bigger, the possibilities seemed endless.

So, here’s a word to the wise boys, watch out, you never know who you might end up talking to on GRINDR. See you guys out there, who knows where I’ll log on next.