Over the next week, a number of DC bands will begin winding their way down to Austin, Texas for South by Southwest. As a parting gift to my friends and fellow musicians, I am pleased to present this handy A-Z of the Rules of the Road.
Apples: A tasty and nutritious snack for long trips. Plus, you’re not really littering when you throw the cores out the window. In fact, all fruit can go out the window!
Basic Automobile Maintenance: Tune-ups, oil changes and routine maintenance should be taken care with your friendly local mechanic. Having repairs done while on the road can be a costly and time-consuming affair.
Conservative Bumper Sticker: On the way to New York for the CMJ, Ra Ra Rasputin was pulled over for doing 80 in a 65. But thanks to our strategically positioned “Hey Veteran, Thanks for my Freedom” bumper sticker, we were let off with a warning. Throwbacks like “Bush/Cheney04” and “NObama” will win you points from conservative cops across the nation. Bonus points for anything related to Ronald Reagan.
If you’re hesitant to send any overtly political messages, an American flag sticker will do.
Discuss: “Greater friend to America: Sir Winston Churchill or Neil Young?”
Echo and the Bunnymen: Can you name any other band whose first 4 albums, B-sides, limited edition EPs and bootlegs are 100% appropriate and enjoyable for road trips? I DO IT CLEAAAAAAAAAN.
Fights: On the road, disagreements will occasionally come up. Don’t let small fights escalate and get out of hand.
Gear: Always keep an updated detailed list of all your equipment. Don’t forget to include descriptions (color, distinguishing marks, etc) and serial numbers. Always perform a thorough check when loading in and loading out. It may be tedious, but it’s always worth it.
Hygiene: For the sake of you and your fellow travelers, try to maintain a basic standard of cleanliness. Shower and brush your teeth whenever possible. And don’t forget to re-apply deodorant / anti-perspirant regularly. PS That Tom’s of Maine shit is useless.
Ibuprofen:You’ll thank me in the morning.
Jim Jones: Without a doubt the most talented member of Dipset. If you don’t know any of the dude’s music, get familiar. Jim Jones / Dipset mixtapes are amazing when you’re driving in the middle of nowhere. Hours fly by when you’ve got the Capo on the radio.
Kosher and Hallal: Ahh pork. The delicious “other white meat” to some. Completely forbidden to others. Here are two restaurants to avoid if you’re trying to keep pig free.
1. Subway - Sandwich artists will not change gloves unless you specifically ask them to. I should know. As a former Subway employee, I spent good chunk of the day handling slices of bacon and ham.
2. Chipotle – The pinto beans have pork in them. And the shredded pork regularly finds its way into other condiments.
Lotion: There is nothing more unattractive than dry and ashy skin. Always make sure to have a bottle of lotion. When travelling in extremely cold or dry conditions, make sure to do a double coat with Vaseline.
Music: 1. Don’t leave home without CDs or an I-pod. Otherwise you’re stuck with Top 40 hits, “classic” rock and talk radio.
2. The driver picks the music. So if you wanna listen to “20 Jazz Funk Greats” by Throbbing Gristle, get ready to take the wheel.
NoDoz: According to the fine folks at Wikipedia NoDoz is a caffeine tablet that "restores mental alertness or wakefulness if you are experiencing fatigue or drowsiness. NoDoz is a central nervous system stimulant and it works by stimulating the brain. It contains 200 milligrams of caffeine and is advertised to have the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee in one pill or half a pill. Long term use can lead to irritability, stomach-aches and insomnia.”
Do not consume NoDoz before drinking heavily. You will black out. (Besides, Adderall is a much better stimulant).
Open containers laws, States Without: Mississippi, Arkansas, West Virginia, Rhode Island, Delaware and Missouri are the only states in America where it’s legal for passengers (key word here is PASSENGERS) to have a road beer. Sip at your own risk.
Poop: Everybody poops. Remember to take advantage of every single opportunity to take a dump. If you’re skittish about using rest-stop toilets, get over it.
Questions: Another amazing way to pass the time on the road! Here are some questions that can help you, for better or for worse, learn a little bit more about your bandmates.
1.Have you ever been in a fight?
2.Have you had a near death experience?
3. What was your best sexual experiences? The worst?
Roy Rogers: Seasoned curly fries and Gold Rush Chicken Sandwiches. All day, every day. Act like you know.
Shotgun: 1) You cannot claim shotgun until you are within a reasonable distance of the vehicle
2) When riding shotgun, remember that you’re also acting as navigator. So be ready to keep an eye on upcoming exits or merges. If you want to take a nap, move to the back.
Tolls: Make sure to have enough bills and coinage to pay for tolls. An unnecessary delay in the toll lane usually leads to gridlock. If you’re using EZ pass, make sure that the unit is affixed to the windshield so that it can be read by the sensor.
Underwear and Socks: You will need more than you think.
Vegetarians and Vegans: The American heartland can be rather unforgiving to those who don’t eat animals. Supermarkets are a great place to pick up fresh fruits and vegetables. Don’t forget stock up on dietary supplements.
Wal-Mart: You can sleep in the parking lot at night and use their bathrooms in the morning.
Xanax: A prescription anti-anxiety agent that should not be taken before operating heavy machinery (e.g. driving) or performing.
Zzzzzs: Remember to get plenty of rest. Sleep deprivation can lead to crabbiness, stomach aches, a compromised immune system and hallucinations.
Previously in Misc/Awesome:
- 4/19: HAPPY National High Five Day!
- 4/17: Hangin' Tough with The D.C. Rollergirls
- 2/24: BYT Archives: Geek It Out
- 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
- 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
- 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
- 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
- 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
- 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
- 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
God loves a cheerful giver.
There's no letter Y. Y? I have no idea...
Youth: They buy merch
you forgot the most important type of question "would you rather"
also, we traditionally have the shotgun-rider DJ the ipod to the driver's tastes, results in a little better music variety
roy rogers? was this rules of the road written for driving to NYC or Austin? sounds like dudes never been out of the northeast.
States currently with Roy Rogers Restaurants
* Connecticut
* Maryland
* Massachusetts
* New Jersey
* New York
* Ohio
* Pennsylvania
* Virginia
* West Virginia
Do your homework before you hate, player. Also not everyone is leaving directly from DC and going to Austin. Some are taking the long way west and then winding south. Others are coming from further north....
Do not forget the glorious temple of gastronomy that is The Cracker Barrel.
The ABCs of the road, as declared by the State Department:
Alcohol
Bitches
Coke
Banana peels are not safe to chuck. Remember what happened to the O'Doyle family.
When I was about 7 I threw a Baby Ruth wrapper out of the window. A few minutes later my dad asked me what I did with it. I told him I threw it out the window. He turned the car around and went back and made me get out and walk up and down the side of the interstate looking for the wrapper. I complained that he threw a banana peel out and he explained that a banana was nature and it's ok to throw out nature. A Baby Ruth wrapper, however, was not.
To this day (I forget if I ever found the wapper or not) I have not thrown anything out of the window and seeing people throw garbage out of their window really pisses me off.
Fuck you, cigarette butts totally do not count.
O'Doyle rules! So does the Gold Rush sammich. Jus sayin'.
LOL @ the Throbbing Gristle road trip music comment.
PS That Tom’s of Maine shit is useless.
THANK YOU.
it may be superstitious, but it's impossible for us to have a successful road trip unless we blast wpgc 95.5 until we get out of range. usually around baltimore or fredricksburg.