Brightest Young Things

By Brandon Wetherbee

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Listen to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom on July 1 with guests Ryan Holladay from Bluebrain, stand up Evan Valentine and music from Adrian Hardkor.

I just got back from Chicago. After a 12-hour marathon podcast on Saturday, a Sunday night show at a dark and classy speakeasy and a Monday evening YMTE back on home turf at the Hungry Brain, I was looking forward to coming back to D.C. The first You, Me, Them, Everybody at the Wonderland Ballroom is on Friday and I want it to be a success. I had come back with some new posters for the new venue. While on the plane I began to write out the pre-show playlist. I had some new sets of photographs to use for the video intro. Things we’re moving forward.

Did you know it’s difficult to make posters without Photoshop? Did you know it’s impossible to use Photoshop without a computer? Did you know playlists for iPods are made in a music program named iTunes and iTunes is on a computer? Did you know it’s good to edit photographs and videos in programs like Final Cut and iMovie and that these programs are only useful if they’re on a computer? I knew all of these things. I’m not sure if the person that stole the computer from my apartment knew these things.

I have been robbed in the last three places I’ve lived. A scooter was stolen and later recovered across the street. Two computers were stolen when an air conditioner was kicked in. Two weeks later another computer was stolen but this time security bars were kicked in. (I’d to point out that two of the three computers were not mine but replacements some kind friends of mine no longer used.) A bike was stolen outside the Smithsonian Portrait Gallery (Hi, pointless security guards! You guys sure do like to text and not look up). Last night, a computer I use to make posters, work on the site, write this column, make pre-show playlists, edit audio and video and watch “The Larry Sanders Show” on Netflix was stolen. Oddly, I am not angry.

Please don’t tell me I’m lucky that my fiance was not harmed and my cat did not run away. It’s not lucky to have things that aren’t ever supposed to happen not happen. You know what’s lucky, if all of my stolen items appeared outside my door in better shape than they were in. Or some rich guy dies and leaves me oil tycoon money. I am grateful my fiance and cat are O.K., but I was more grateful for their well being while I still had that computer.

This is not my fault. Don’t tell me that I was asking for it by having a window partially open. You know who says things like that? Rapists. Don’t talk like a rapist. Or do and I’ll know where you stand on most issues.

The computer is not going to be recovered. I have come to accept this fact from the last time I was robbed. It’s gone. Fuck it. It’s why I use Google Docs and save everything on external hard drives. Thankfully, people that break into apartments aren’t too tech savvy and have no idea what the boxes attached to my (former) computer are for. I like to imagine they think they’re decorative boxes that only nerds would find attractive.

I hope that the kid (it’s probably a kid) that has my (former) computer becomes a subscriber to the podcast. When they come of age, maybe they can come to the live show and we’ll have a drink. Hopefully they’ll notice this site in my (former) bookmarks and they’ll read this piece and become a BYT loyalist. I hope all of that happens, but it’s much more likely the kid has realized that the battery on the six year old computer is dead, the charger is an Apple knockoff and had sold something I used on daily basis for $30 to a pawn show. Which brings me to my final point: steal from stores, not people. Stores are insured and the product you get is new. People sometimes don’t have insurance because what they own is not valuable enough to warrant insurance because they’re trying to get by with old things they take off. Also, can I have your old computer? Or some money? Here’s the You, Me, Them, Everybody Paypal link. Computers aren’t cheap.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.

Previously in behind the desk:

• 5/11: Behind the Desk #46: Radio Friendly Unit Shifter
• 5/4: Behind the Desk #45: Last Show, Re-introduction
• 4/27: Behind The Desk 44: As A Guest
• 4/20: Behind the Desk #43: Sharon Needles for President
• 4/13: Behind the Desk #10- ”Soon I'll Be In The Air!”
• 4/6: Behind The Desk 42: Bros Being Bros
• 3/30: Behind The Desk 41: Why This Is A Game Show
• 3/26: Behind The Desk 40: Before This is A Game Show
• 3/16: Behind The Desk 39: Everything is Terrible!
• 3/9: Behind The Desk 38: Poke The Bear