Brightest Young Things

By Brandon Wetherbee

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Subscribe to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom on Friday, February 3 with guests Marcus Dowling, Andy Kline and Soft Punch.

When I say I'll be home or at the bar or restaurant or party by 11, I mean that. It rarely happens.

An hour long talk show tends to last five hours. I don't want it to last this long, it's just what seems to happen. Not counting the booking, promotion, writing and rehearsal before the show, the entire production begins 90 minutes before the listed start time. I'll attempt to drink three cups of coffee (usually successfully), smoke three cigarettes (always successfully), order two alcoholic drinks (one is halfway consumed before the show, the other is for the next two hours), set up recording gear, sound check (rarely successfully), run through the monologue alone, run through the monologue with the producer or sound man or whoever I can corner that is willing and able to say I suck, run through guest questions, greet the guests, load the band on stage, try to sound check the band (never, never, never successfully), say hello to all the people I know that came to see the show, be way too brief with all the people I know that came to see the show because they know me and I can get away with being flippant because they know I'm nervous or angry or giddy or generally unstable, stall because a guest/band member/producer/sound engineer/someone is always late and get upset over things I can't control.

Then the show happens. It's fun. I usually get loud and sometimes make fart noises. I sincerely thank everyone.

Once the show ends I frantically run to the sound board to put on the post show music because no soundtrack after a show is weird and makes me uncomfortable. Then I find my way back to the stage and begin to tear down. Sometimes like there's a fire, sometimes like I'm a hippy and time is just a thing, ya know? I pack up my mics, stands, lights, whatever else I brought to make the show sound better than if I just used the house equipment. The friends that were kind enough to see the show are always the first to leave. This sucks. The folks I want to see the most exit quickest. This is probably because they've heard me get loud and make fart noises longer than everyone else.

The friends are gone and now I get to meet the really nice folks that came to see the guest and wasn't the guest just great and gee, that was really funny when that accidentally sexist/racist/pedophilia joke happened that I don't remember. That happens five more times. It's cool but since I'm not that good at reading people, I can't tell if they like me or hate me or want to hate fuck me. I usually go with hate, but not enough to do anything about it.

The show has been over for an hour. The show ran for an hour. I've spent an hour and a half before all that doing other stuff. In theory, I should be packed up and ready to head home. I usually am. This is not the case for a new friend, be it guest or audience member, a stand up, band member, bar staff, someone, that wants to talk about what they were thinking when I was talking about that thing hey do want a shot? You sure? Let's do a shot? Come on!

I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not complaining. I love, love, love when I meet someone who has never seen the show and they want to come back. It's amazing. I'm shocked and honored and by this point in the evening, trying to figure out how I'm going to get home and if I have enough money to keep drinking and if I should keep drinking and why didn't I eat before the show? I tend to end up staying at the bar or venue, keep drinking, get more hungry and get louder and make more fart noises with my mouth. I've wasted all the good will I've acquired and have now made a new not-friend and angered the friends that are waiting for me somewhere else, the friends that could give a shit about all this but like me as a person.

So I'm late because the people that come to see the show and perform on the show are great and I want to be friends with everyone and let's all do a shot! Sorry about that. I want to say I'll be home or at the other bar or restaurant or party on time next time, but it probably won't happen.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night.

Previously in behind the desk:

• 2/14: Behind The Desk 36 (#VDay Edition): HELP ME, IGGY
• 2/10: Behind The Desk 35: Spotting THE Crazy In the Arts (Vol. 2)
• 2/3: Behind The Desk 34: The Influence Takes Over
• 1/20: Behind The Desk 32: Eddie Brill Is Common
• 1/13: Behind The Desk 31: J'ai Une Ame Solitaire
• 1/6: Behind The Desk 30: Behind The Bar
• 12/29: Behind The Desk 29: TOP 5 FOR 2011
• 12/19: Behind the Desk 28: How To Enjoy Holiday Music
• 12/8: Behind The Desk 27: Uh Oh #Tebowing
• 12/2: Behind the Desk 26: Dear Fallon, Grow a Pair