Brightest Young Things

By Brandon Wetherbee

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Subscribe to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom on December 9 with guests The Runcible Spoon zinesters, stand up comedian Martin Plant and a set from Christylez Bacon.

My last column about Jimmy Fallon and Michele Bachmann and the Legendary Roots Crew and the bank that signs Mr. Fallon's checks and 'What's in your wallet?' was read by a few more people than usual. Sadly, it wasn't for reasons I wanted. I didn't write the column to rile up folks that I believe are on my side, the side that lives in urban centers, votes pro-science and doesn't watch "Whitney." I wrote it to point out two things that shouldn't happen:

1. Comics should stand for something/anything and after saying what they stand for, defend it.

2. Comics should not shill for banks.

That's it. Because of two words that I liberally used to describe a United States presidential candidate, the majority of people I've heard from did not mention either of those points. I screwed up. I'm disappointed in myself. If I wanted to offend, I would've offended from the first sentence, not five paragraphs in. Anyways, I've been thinking about this whole no-one-will-remember-in-a-week anyway debacle but just couldn't let it go. I've written a few drafts of this column, alternating from an Al Bundy No Ma'am stance to an apologetic to all position. Neither fit. I couldn't explain my position until I listened to the most recent <a href=

"Here's the Thing" with Alec Baldwin. The well known liberal actor interviewed the well know liberal comedian Chris Rock and they spoke about gender for a few minutes. Here's the transcript that pretty much says what I wanted to...

The two had been talking about their parents relationships.

Chris Rock: I don't know. I mean, first of all, I mean, guys from that era did not view women as their equals. They didn't.

Alec Baldwin: That’s right –  right.

CR: And they were loving and blah-blah-blah-blah- blah, but they did not view women as their equals. Therefore, they could actually deal with the woman's emotional, whatever, swings way easier than a guy my age, 'cause I view a woman as my equal.

AB: Right.

CR: So if I'm with a woman and she starts cryin’, I look at her like I'm with you when you start crying. [LAUGHS]

AB: Yeah. I say to women but don't go female on me.

CR: [LAUGHS] I'm like somethin' — I look at her like I would look at a guy that gets emotional.

AB: Yeah, I thought if we're equal then you can't play that card.

CR: Right.

AB: Don't play the female card.

CR: So I'll just say my father and my grandfathers, both of 'em, were really delicate [LAUGHS] with their wives, you know. Not a child, but close to a child. [LAUGHS]

AB: How is it different for you?

CR: I - my wife's my equal. And, you know — you know, any butting of heads is because –

AB: Right.

CR: - I, I want — I'm dealing with you the same way I would deal with myself or I’d deal with any guy. And - we're both wrong.

So that's it. That's exactly how I feel about the use of words, they're all on the table. If that makes me a misogynistic, I'm a misogynistic. At least that's how I felt on Monday during the day.

I hosted 8x8 on Monday evening at the Looking Glass Lounge. I heard eight performers different views of the world. One of those views opened my eyes. Adam Friedland taught me about the wonderful lack of belief system known as nihilism. Rather than copy a friend, I have decided to become a devout, football loving Christian.

For the non-football fans out there, there's this long running program called "Monday Night Football." It's broadcast on this cable network called ESPN. During the half time of each game (that's when the players rest in the middle of the game), the network, ESPN, has 'commentators' 'commentate' on that weeks games. This is where I found out about the best quarterback of all time, Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow is a quarterback for the Denver Broncos, a professional sports (in this case, football) team. He's pretty young, only in his second year, but he sure is making a name for himself! In fact, if the left got their way, he might not even have a name! Get this guys, Tim Tebow's mom was almost pressured into an abortion! Yeah! Tim was a stillborn and the doctors wanted to protect the mom's life so they pretty much, nearly murdered her into getting an abortion! Can you believe that! Well, thankfully, this one botched abortion made it all the way to the National Football League (NFL, most people just write and say NFL)! He also made it all the way into a commercial that's pro-life!

Thank god for Tim Tebow! Did you guys know he has his own hashtag on Twitter/thing people do! He does! It's #tebowing! It's when an athlete or not athlete (you know, common people like you and me) decides to get down on one knee and pray at completely inappropriate times, they're #tebowing! Let's all #tebowing now! Praise Tebow! He makes me want to get down on both knees!

OR

I am not mocking Tim Tebow. I respect a quarterback that can have an under 50% passing rating yet win most games. It's almost like a certain someone is coaching from a high place in sky...

Thanks to Tim Tebow, I no longer believe that men and women are entitled to the same rights. In fact, I think that women don't need nearly as many rights as the fellas. Tim Tebow has opened my eyes and I'll be forever grateful. Until I leave this mortal coil and toss the pigskin around with Tim and Jesus, I'll be here doing the things Mr. Tebow would want. Lucky for me, those are the same things United States Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann wants!

Thanks to Tim Tebow, I am now a Michele Bachmann supporter. I'm sorry I said bad things about her. Just like Tim Tebow, I will never say bad things about anyone ever again. I'll just pray for you. I'm praying for all of you. And I forgive you. You are all forgiven.

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night. Forgiven.

Previously in behind the desk:

• 5/11: Behind the Desk #46: Radio Friendly Unit Shifter
• 5/4: Behind the Desk #45: Last Show, Re-introduction
• 4/27: Behind The Desk 44: As A Guest
• 4/20: Behind the Desk #43: Sharon Needles for President
• 4/13: Behind the Desk #10- ”Soon I'll Be In The Air!”
• 4/6: Behind The Desk 42: Bros Being Bros
• 3/30: Behind The Desk 41: Why This Is A Game Show
• 3/26: Behind The Desk 40: Before This is A Game Show
• 3/16: Behind The Desk 39: Everything is Terrible!
• 3/9: Behind The Desk 38: Poke The Bear