Brightest Young Things

By Brandon Wetherbee

Brandon Wetherbee hosts the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody the first two Friday’s of the month at the Wonderland Ballroom and in Brooklyn and Chicago once a month. Subscribe to it online at youmethemeverybody.com. He’ll be at the Wonderland Ballroom on December 2 with guests Denman Anderson, stand up comedian Atif Myers and a set from Birdlips.

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

Please, if you have any sort of social conscious or respect for comedy as an art, grow a pair.

My name is Brandon Wetherbee. I host the talk show/podcast You, Me, Them, Everybody. I'm a Ferguson guy but I respect what you do. Night in and night out, you approach your talk show as an opportunity to put a smile on the face of all who tune in. You appear to have no agenda and that seems to work most of the time. But I like guys with agendas. Agendas aren't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you could take a page from peers like Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Craig Ferguson and even your own band, thelegendary Roots crew, and take a stand on something. Anything. Since the show is somewhat of an institution, all you need to do is it look to your elders

You predecessor, Conan O'Brien, wasn't known as a lightning rod of controversy, but he did occasionally stir the pot. His light skewering of politicians and pop culture figures like the thing when he put the lips over the face thing, that thing, that was pretty funny and could occasionally make a point. He was also able to do some pretty good work with  Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, the creation of Robert Smigel, because Triumph is a puppet and puppets can get away with anything. He recently re-appeared on "Conan" while the show was in New York.

That's how to do it. Everyone is fodder. If people get mad, fuck it, everyone got thrown under the bus. No one can get that upset if you're willing to shit on them too. Who cares what a bank thinks (more on that later)?

Maybe you're more like the guy that started the show: David Letterman. He's able to rip apart his interview subject without sounding like a complete dick, just somewhat dickish. It doesn't matter though because he's right (to me) and if you disagree, at least he's man enough to stick to his guns.

Maybe you don't want to get political. Ever. Maybe you want everyone to like you and continue appearing on magazine covers with Justin Timberlake. That's fine if you're willing to ban all politicians from appearing on your show. When you invite Michele Bachmann on, play an intro song that is perfect ("Lyin' Ass Bitch"), apologize for that intro song and then say it was a mistake, you're almost as bad as Leno.

Why do you care about politicians feelings? Michele Bachmann is a bitch. She's a politician that wants the nation's highest office and she's offended by the word bitch? She's a horrible politician and the nation would be better without her. You guys make one subtle joke and you're already apologizing to a bitch about using the word bitch. I get it, you offended some women's groups. Questlove feels bad. Who cares? This isn't about social groups whose job it is to get mad at entertainers. It's about one good thing you did and turning it into one shameful mistake. What's the lesson to younger comics? Never offend? Stay safe? Instantly retreat from anything that might make a statement?

Do you understand how crazy it is that The Roots have been reprimanded because they played a song that inferred a conservative white woman as being a bitch? We all see that, right? Moving on.

Bachmann is a cunt and you called her a bitch and people went "oooooohhhh" and then you guys acted like a bitch and the cunt got her way. Grow a pair. You can do it. Your writing staff is more than capable of firing back on a nightly basis. Embrace the controversy. Do you really care what conservative groups think about you? To them, you're some skinny fuck in a suit that advertises for a bank and is good at appealing to 20-40-somethings. The fact that this plan is somewhat working is sickening. Jesus, man, stop being a bitch. You're rich enough to do whatever you want on your stage. Let NBC fire you if they're not happy. You'll end up with a deal as sweet as Conan's and the freedom you obviously don't want.

Screw it, I've already gone too far and don't want to take any of it back. You're not going to hire me or put me up and I understand why so I might as well say what I've been thinking. Why isn't anyone giving you shit that you're a bank spokesman and a comedian. Do you know why comedians usually aren't spokesmen for banks? It creates a situation where you can't say anything because you work for a fucking bank. Stop doing that. Stop appearing on magazine covers that advertise to the upper class during the worst U.S. economic period since the early 80s. It's your responsibility to reflect who your audience is, not be a song and dance man from the first half of the 1900s. Times have changed for a reason. So, to sum it all up, please heed the advice of a guy that does a talk show in bars and small clubs rather than an audience of millions. Or not. Keep doing what you're doing. It's going quite well. I'm sure another bank would be more than happy to pick you up.

Previously in behind the desk:

• 5/11: Behind the Desk #46: Radio Friendly Unit Shifter
• 5/4: Behind the Desk #45: Last Show, Re-introduction
• 4/27: Behind The Desk 44: As A Guest
• 4/20: Behind the Desk #43: Sharon Needles for President
• 4/13: Behind the Desk #10- ”Soon I'll Be In The Air!”
• 4/6: Behind The Desk 42: Bros Being Bros
• 3/30: Behind The Desk 41: Why This Is A Game Show
• 3/26: Behind The Desk 40: Before This is A Game Show
• 3/16: Behind The Desk 39: Everything is Terrible!
• 3/9: Behind The Desk 38: Poke The Bear