DC's favorite book column (yes, I said it) returns to a gentler age (after last weeks "books to namedrop to get laid" and before that "books to namedrop like a jerk at cocktail parties") with Sarah's trip down 5th grade memory lane:
By the fifth grade, at age eleven, I already knew that I desperately wanted to be cool. My father, an absent New Yorker with a thick accent and a serious swagger, was exactly what I considered "cool" to be and this led me to think, in my eleven-year old mind, that I too was intrinsically cool. Never mind all the evidence to the contrary: I didn't have any friends except for one really bossy girl who was always staring into her underwear, I was deeply and passionately in love with Doogie Howser MD (Oh how I wanted to hug him, hug him, and hug him good) and I was so oblivious to rock 'n roll (the only tape I had was Cats and I knew every single lyric) that when my friends older brother asked me whether I liked Genesis, I told him -with that kinda slow nod I see hipsters doing all the time - that I "preferred Nintendo."
ANNE OF GREEN GABLES - Lucy Maud Montgomery
Anyone who hasn't read Anne of Green Gables shouldn't be allowed to call themselves Canadian (which, contrary to what the guard at the Tijuana border told me, I actually am allowed to be despite also holding an American passport). This novel is quintessentially Canadian: slow, pastoral, and boring. One of the most exciting moments in the novel is when Anne and her best friend get drunk on sherry made from black currents. But the truth is I loved it: it has all the markings of a young adults favorite. The protagonist feels alienated, thinks of herself as an outsider, and she's something of a troublemaker (which, in Prince Edward Island in 1908 meant that she had red hair). So it's basically Harry Potter.
THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR - Jean M. Auel
After a visit to the natural history museum I somehow got my hands on this fabulously grown up novel. Or at least I thought it was very adult because it was in paperback. I devoured it, though not literally, as by age eleven I was well beyond munching on paper or glue and knew that it was a very kindergarden move to do so and therefore deeply uncool. For those of you who haven't seen the very stellar movie with knock-out Darryl Hannah in her most enchanting role to date, The Clan of the Cave Bear is the story of a young blond cavegirl who finds herself alone in the prehistoric world, eventually to be picked up by a group of well-meaning, if neanderthal (and therefore very hairy and non-blond) nomads. I distinctly remember bragging to my teacher when I was reading this book, hoping that this would somehow communicate to her what a special and clever girl I was, and saying something along the lines of "It's a very interesting book: the descriptions of the way the world used to look are very realistic", which if you think about it, is hilarious.
DEENIE - Judy Bloom
Deenie is a novel about an adolescent girl who discovers at age 13 that she has scoliosis and that she will have to wear a big ugly brace during Freshman year. I guess the stand out thing about this book was that it tackled the matter of masturbation (no pun intended) as well as menstruation. Deenie does both:
"[That week] I touched my special place practically every night. It was the only way I could fall asleep and besides, it felt good."
Deenie stands out in my memory as being one of the most terrifying novels ever because I couldn't think of anything more humiliating than having to wear a back brace .But I got my just desserts. After about a year of congratulating myself for not developing scoliosis, I got into a fight during a particularly rough game of tackle football and broke my collarbone. For something like three months, I walked around with a butterfly brace on my back. But unlike Deenie, the pain was such that I couldn't move my arms around enough to touch my "special place."
As a side note, when I went to the Wikipedia entry for Deenie, I stumbled across the best phrase I've seen all day. In the plot summary - probably written by a nine-year old - the writer describes Deenie's sister Helen as having "so-so face," which I think is probably the coolest euphemism ever, and I plan to add it to my lexicon immediately.
NEXT WEEK: PLAYWRIGHTS TO NAMEDROP NEXT TIME YOU'RE WEARING A TURTLENECK
God loves a cheerful giver.
Don't forget "Flowers in the Attic," a book every fifth grader should read.
I still haven't read Flowers In The Attic. Should I pick it up now?
I am very, very passionate about this...
The Judy Bloom novel to be listed here is "FOREVER!!!!"
Sarah: absolutely.
Nothing like reading about a group of siblings locked in an attic and humping to get the juices flowing...
To make it a true name-drop it's key to have not actually read the book, so in my life this is every Stephen King or RL Stine novel ever. I was too scared to even look at the covers but I had to pretend to like them in order to be a metalhead. Do I win the dork-race?
Someone needs to write a guy's edition, or young boy, in this case. Deenie? Anne of Green Gables? How about How to Eat Fried Worms, A Separate Peace (that's right, 5th grade) and A Wrinkle in Time...or Narnia...or the Bible. [Sigh]
you read the Bible in 5th grade?
Damn... you're one badass 5th grader
I remember holding "It" and being afraid to touch the clown's face on the cover. It was too creepy.
V.C. Andrews totally kills me. Flowers in the mother(and brother) fucking attic is a classic.
The Anne of Green Gables also was a terrific TV show (with a sequel (or was it a prequel?): The Road to Avonlea featuring a 10 yr old Sarah Polley)
I never read Judy Blume because we didn't believe in overcoming anything through books. I did however read "Fear of Flying" by Erica Jong at the age of 12 and thought I had consumed all the sexual wisdom in the world.
I definitely win the the dork race.
Psshhaw. Fear of Flying is cool. I got three words for you: Dungeons. &. Dragons. Though those books were more for name-KEEPING or perhaps name-HIDING rather than droppin'. Forgotten Realms, indeed.
Where do I pick up my medals?
Man, so many classics missing from this junk. Judy Bloom but no Beverly Cleary? wtf. "Dear Mr. Henshaw" anyone? 5th grade...hard to remember. Cant forget "Choose your own adventure" tho. Those were the bomb.
Any love for "The Cat Ate My Gymsuit" or "Just as Long as We're Together?"
So, I totally did a mental fist pump when I saw that there was a new post for this column. I literally said "Oh!" in my head and smiled.
..aaannnnnd, it doesn't disappoint. I didn't read any of these girlie books, but whatev. Personal favs: WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS (come on!), Watership Down, and My Brother Sam is Dead, scenes from which I remember vividly. I also read every Stephen King book I could get my hands on. We didn't read any pornographic attic sex novels in Hartford, Michigan.
It happens every Friday AM Jason.
Like clockwork.
We run a legit and well organized column operation here.
Get with the program.
Any shout outs to the Pizza Hut book club? Or the book catalogs on tracing paper? Read-Ins? Ok, enough.
Being as intimately familiar with the column operation as I am, "surprise" is I think to be expected. (jk! Loveyouhomepage!)
Michael, next time I see it I'll pick it up. In the meantime I'll work on sewing up one of those little book cover hiders just in case I have to take "Flowers in the Attic" on the metro.
Jason, what's the Pizza Hut Book Club?
Did somebody say D&D?
Hey ladies, my copy is signed by Larry Elmore...
oh snap I think I just got totally moded.
the medals-- they are yours.
Didn't anyone... CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE?
Or hide behind those giant Garfield comic books. The really long ones. That you usually covered in stickers. Or not.
i used to collect the Garfield books at one time
ditto on Watership Down and Where the Red Fern Grows
need to browse through my book collection from elementary school at dad's place to get more personal picks
trying to figure whether i should hang on to them
with my handwritten notes inside
or sell/donate? haven't read most in almost a decade
no time